Critics Rant - Movie, DVD, and TV Show Reviews

11-Year-Old Aussie Joins THE ROAD

Critics Rant — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:52:53 GMT

By Brandon Nolta

For those of you who have too much happiness in your lives and occasionally need a depressing flick to even things out, there’s good news: The second major role of the upcoming film THE ROAD has been cast. Kodi Smit-McPhee, an 11-year-old actor from Down Under, will play the son of Viggo Mortensen’s character in the film, which tells the story of a father and son wandering across the ruins of America after an unspecified apocalyptic event. Charlize Theron also stars in the adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel.

Smit-McPhee was recently nominated for best lead actor by the Australian Film Institute for his work in ROMULUS, MY FATHER, which also starred Eric Bana and Franka Potente. Mortensen isn’t doing too shabby in his award nominations, either; he’s been nominated for a best leading actor Oscar for his role in EASTERN PROMISES.

AMERICAN IDOL -- "Atlanta Auditions"

Critics Rant — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 16:33:45 GMT

By Sabrina Cognata

Apparently Atlanta hatches stars like Britney Spears hatches fetal alcohol syndrome children, I know this because Ryan Seacrest knows this. First of all, we get to meet stupid Ryan’s parents. Guess what, I could have lived the rest of my life without having to waste time on getting to know them. Once that is out of the way, Ryan introduces us to Joshua. He works with glass and I am not sure if I care about any of this. He tells the judges that he’s going to show them something they’ve never seen before. I guess by this he means scare the crap out of them with terrible vocals since this tends to be the trend with contestants and I’m absolutely correct because he makes demonic eyes and it scares Simon. They make him turn around and sing. Simon says he’s very karaoke, but Paula and Randy say yes and that’s that. Joshua’s made it to the second round.

J.P. has auditioned before, two people behind Carrie Underwood, and now he’s sad he never kept in touch with her. He likes to think he has a star quality, but he is ugly and I bet this goes terrible. I am right and it sounds like he swallowed his own voice and is singing from a voice inside his voice. Simon mocks him and he says that he’s a singing major and the judges tell him to change his major. Paula cannot figure out how to reject J.P. and then the producers decide to put on a medley of Paula being incapable of telling terrible singers no.

Next there’s Asia. She talks about being a small town girl and I want to vomit. Sing and get it over already. While she was busy pursing her dreams of being a superstar her dad had a terrible car accident and died. She sings How Do I Live? Leanne Rhymes and dedicates it to her dead father. She’s actually pretty decent and Simon says he likes her. She gets a golden ticket and a pass to the next round. Then we have to survive through a bunch of morons that think they can sing and it’s pretty terrible starting with Brooke. She’s currently some sort of stupid pageant queen. Her big thing is to convince Simon that pageant girls can sing. I think she over sings, but what do I know? Simon says it wasn’t bad, and she gets three yes’s. After she leaves Simon says she might be the most annoying person he’s ever met. Then they have a stupid terrible singer medley and I almost fall asleep. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Producers decide to give a lot of screen time to Eva because she’s insane and in love with Simon. She says she’s the next American Idol because she has it all, then she proceeds to mangle a song and dance around until she falls on the floor. Simon says it’s apart of an act. I sure hope it is because this woman needs to be put to sleep like a really old dog. Crazy. Simon calls her on it and she swears it’s not a joke. She starts flipping out and crying and pleading that she didn’t mean to fall. She confesses her love for Simon some more but ends up getting rejected regardless. Hopefully, someone will come along that isn’t psychotic and my prayers are answered with Alexandra who sings My Funny Valentine. The judges stop her immediately to tell her she’s made it to the next round.
Now we’re faced with the Clay Aiken effect, nerds that with no pop presence, but this time absolutely no ability to sing. Then we get to see a bunch of people tell the cameraman to piss off. Nathan’s next and he’s singing the chorus of some band I have never heard of and he proceeds to have a fit while singing flatly. Simon calls it a bedroom audition and Nathan tries to be funny, but fails. It’s a tragedy and I want to die for Nathan. Amanda’s a biker and a nurse, and I hope she’s better than Nathan. She sings Mean Woman by Janis Joplin and she’s actually really good. Everyone loves her and she’s in.

It’s nearing the end of the day and the judges are actually in a decent mood. The golden tickets have been flying out of the judge’s hands and into the lucky contestants. Jossiah lives in his car and he uses this to pimp himself to AI producers saying things like he’s scared and he’s come from nothing. He sounds British when he sings and Simon wants to know why? All three judges say it’s weird. Randy wants him apart of a band and says yes. Paula says yes cause that’s the only word she knows and Simon says yes. Along with Jossiah, nineteen other contestants will make it to Hollywood.

TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES -- "Heavy Metal"

Critics Rant — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:08:24 GMT

By Kofi Outlaw

John Connor’s Terminator-bodyguard Cameron learned that Cromartie, the terminator missioned with assassinating John, had followed them through the time-portal into the future. Sarah’s first instinct was to run, however John had another idea: turn the tables by hunting the hunter.

Cameron surmised that Cromartie’s initial target would be an incoming shipment of rare metal that could be used to repair his damaged exoskeleton. Cameron, John and Sarah went a reconnaissance mission down at the docks, only to discover that a new terminator—posing as the leader of an Army squad—was after the shipment. Sarah wanted to scrub the assault, but John wouldn’t be deterred; to him, the shipment of metal was a convoy of future enemy soldiers, which needed to be destroyed before it could ever become a threat. John disobeyed orders and snuck onto the truck containing the shipment, leaving Sarah and Cameron scrambling to follow him.

Meanwhile, the real Cromartie—wearing a freshly grown, albeit deformed, skin—broke into a plastic surgery center and forced a surgeon to alter his looks to match those of an out of work actor. Agent Ellison was called in once the surgeon’s body was discovered, slathered in “blood that’s not quite blood.” After reviewing the surgeon’s security tapes, Ellison brought in the actor and questioned him; the clueless sap was deemed innocent, and released to go home—where Cromartie was waiting to take his place, permanently.

Sarah and Cameron finally located John at a nuclear fallout shelter in an old hanger bay. Apparently, this new terminator’s mission was to stockpile the necessary materials for building the killer cyborgs, and then to go on standby, safely protected in the hanger, until judgment day took place and the war began.

Inside the hanger, John watched the terminator eliminate his human lackeys and then go into “sleep mode.” After a quick call to Cameron, he surmised that after opening the bay doors he would have fifteen seconds to escape before the terminator could reboot his systems. John opened the doors, but wasn’t content to leave empty handed. He and Sarah hijacked the truck of metal alloy, while Cameron put the smackdown on the terminator, and sealed him in the hanger…for now, at least.

This episode continued to demonstrate that TSCC has a carefully plotted, pointed story arch to it. I enjoy how every episode relates to Sarah’s voice-over narration, and the themes and internal conflicts she wrestles with as mother to the future leader of humanity. John is showing some cohunes, which I appreciate, and Cameron continues to put the kind of smack down that cyborg-chick should. “Bionic Woman” take notes: this is how it’s done. Some say this show is boring, but I remind them not to compare it to the TERMINATOR films, but rather to other TV shows. Compared to this season of PRISON BREAK, TSCC deserves an Emmy.

PRISON BREAK -- "Under & Out"

Critics Rant — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 23:49:36 GMT

By Faith McQuinn

It’s been two weeks, and Fox spent a lot of money during the Superbowl to advertise the escape that was supposed to happen tonight on PRISON BREAK. Well, I waited an hour just to get a bunch of men huddled in a dirt tunnel waiting for some lights to go out. Oh well, at least I finally got a good episode out of it.

I think I can safely say tonight’s episode was the best of the season. Not as good as anything from season one, but definitely better than the crap the producers and such have been passing off as good television.

The episode starts with Michael (Wentworth Miller) hanging out with his ever-growing gang of escapees. They’re all waiting for their leader to tell them how and when they will escape. Michael and Whistler (Chris Vance) are on a time crunch. They have to be out by morning, or Lincoln’s son will be missing a head. The others, especially Lachero (Robert Wisdom), point out they have no time schedule and would just like to get out alive. Michael could care less, but no matter how he feels, he explains the plan.

The men will dig all night and escape at first light. But uh oh, things get a little wet. With a sudden downpour risking the integrity of their tunnel, Michael moves the escape to before sunrise. The men grumble, but Michael says they go then or never. At night, the guards are doubled and they do jeep patrols. More guards mean more guns, and more guns usually makes for better television.

Meanwhile, on the outside, Lincoln (Dominic Purcell) and Sucre (Amaury Nolasco) are preparing for the morning escape. Sucre meets with Susan (Jodi Lyn O’Keefe) and is pressured into telling her the truth after she returns the bomb he left in her car. He reveals that Michael is having reservations about handing Whistler over, and Susan pulls out her badass card and starts choking Sucre. Now, I know Susan is supposedly some amazing trained killer or whatever, but she always goes way over the top with her mean bitch act. It’s not even scary. Unfortunately, no one will kill her anytime soon, so I’m just going to have to deal with O’Keefe’s overacting for the next couple of weeks.

After Sucre spills all he knows to Susan, Sofia (Danay Garcia) is abducted. Susan is so worried that Michael will actually get cold feet that she decides to take a little more insurance out on the plan. Susan calls Lincoln. Lincoln arrives to find Sofia. Lincoln calls Michael to talk to Whistler, and through the best cell phone reception I’ve ever heard, Whistler hears Sofia being tortured.

What’s a man to do when his girlfriend is being threatened? He has to give The Company the information they want, right? Well, Michael doesn’t think so. He tells Whistler that he can’t give The Company what they want. Without a bargaining chip, everyone will die. In the end, Whistler listens and ends up giving Susan only half the information she requested. Susan is not happy, but admires Whistler’s newfound pair of “oysters.” She gives Michael and Whistler 24 hours to escape, or L.J., Sofia, and probably Mary Cruz will die.

Stressed beyond belief, Michael starts setting his plan in motion. First, the entire escape crew works overtime at getting the tunnel dug out. Second, Sucre cuts the gas lines to all the jeeps. Third, Lincoln has got to figure a way to cut the power to the prison, giving everyone 30 seconds of darkness before the backup generator kicks in.

Wow. If all this isn’t enough, Sucre gets called in because the head guard did a background check and found out his alias is actually a wanted man. Then, Lachero and T-Bag (Robert Knepper) stage a small coup. For some reason, they don’t trust Michael (imagine that), and they decide they want to be the first out of the hole. Michael lets them, and the episode ends with Lachero perched and waiting for the lights to go out.

I guess next week we’ll find out if all the decisions Michael was forced to make will work out for the best. The first time he planned an escape, he let out the likes of T-Bag and got a whole bunch of people very dead. This time, maybe T-Bag will end up dead and everyone who deserves to be safe (Mahone, Michael, and Whistler) will be.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Might Be Coming To The Big Screen

Critics Rant — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 23:42:52 GMT

By Sabrina Cognata

I died a little on the inside when FOX cancelled ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. I mean, buying the box set of the series is a nice consolation prize, but after a while you can act out your Job fantasies so much until you turn into a psycho-loser. Not that I have any Gob Bluth (Will Arnett) fantasies or anything. My problems might be mended sooner than I ever envisioned, Jason Batemen has told E! that he’s spoken to creators of the show (Mitch Hurwitz and Ron Howard) and is willing to be a part of the ensemble cast in an ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT movie.

Along with Batemen, Jeffrey Tambor has admitted he’s been contacted and also is in favor of bringing the Bluth family to the big screen. In addition, Hurwitz admits he doesn’t have a script yet, but has a basic understanding of what he wants the Bluth’s to go through. I’ll admit a lot of people are psyched about the SEX IN THE CITY movie reunion, but I’m not one of these boring trailer, trash whores. I’ve lived that life and you have to get it over when you’re young or you’re nothing but an old hag living in the past. However, I am absolutely ecstatic about the idea of an ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT movie. Nerds and crazy family hijinks are as timeless as the hilarity that ensues when you’re dealing with the Bluths. What do you think? Is the idea of an ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT reunion the best thing to happen to movies in 2008? Leave your opinion in the comments.

INDIANA JONES and the Lost Warehouse?

Critics Rant — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 00:37:51 GMT

By Kofi Outlaw

Hey gang, I’ve got a new photo from the set of INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL for you today. This picture is especially intriguing, as it features Dr. Jones scaling a stack of crates which look to belong to that infamous warehouse from the end of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, where “top men” cataog and stow history’s most important artifacts. What could Dr. Jones be searching for? Guess you’ll have to wait until Indy 4 hits theaters this summer to find out for sure.

For now though, take a look at the pic, and rant back to us with your best guesstimate of what Indy is after. I say he’s looking for the heart-shaped chest where that witchdoctor from TEMPLE OF DOOM used to store his hand-removed organs.

Cricital Look: SMART PEOPLE

Critics Rant — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 00:12:46 GMT

By Kofi Outlaw

Fresh off its strong reviews at Sundance, Critics Rant would like to bring you a first look at Miramax’s latest smart-family-with-issues flick, SMART PEOPLE.

The film stars Dennis Quaid as an aging intellectual professor who suffers a stroke. Sarah Jessica Parker plays the nurse who takes a shine to the socially inept prof; Thomas Hayden Church is the prof’s adopted, slacker brother and Oscar-nominee Ellen Page plays the prof’s over-achiever daughter.

SMART PEOPLE is basicaly THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS meets SIDEWAYS. And I hated both those flicks. I prefer my screwed-up intellectual flicks to be more dark and depressing a la THE SQUID AND THE WHALE. How about you? Take a look at the trailer for SMART PEOPLE and rant back to us about what you think.

RAMBO V On The Way? Stallone Says No

Critics Rant — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 00:00:00 GMT

By Kofi Outlaw

Harvey Weinstein recently spoke up about how pleased he is with the RAMBO’s success at the box office and his own desire to see further installments come to fruition down the line, hopefully one in which Rambo waged one man war on criminals running the streets of the USA.

“I like the idea of an older guy kicking ass. Maybe it’s because I’m older, too,” added Weinstein.

Granted, Weinstein is figuring on RAMBO doing $50 million domestically and $100-150 million overseas where Sly Stallone still has a huge fan base. However the droopy-faced action star recently let it slip to the “Guardian UK” newspaper that this would be the last we see of John Rambo.

“This is the last Rambo just as Rocky Balboa is the last Rocky,” Stallone told reporters. “I can’t go any further. It was a miracle that it even got done.”

Now this statement contradicts several other statements and rumors. So what does it all mean? Is that the last time we'll have seen Rambo? Only time will tell.

New IRON MAN Trailer From The Super Bowl

Critics Rant — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 22:17:39 GMT

By Kofi Outlaw

Does this movie keep looking cooler and cooler or what?

Did you check out the IRON MAN TV spot which debuted during last night’s Superbowl adtravaganza? The commercial features some previously unseen (and wickedly cool) sequences of Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) putting the pedal to the metal in the IRON MAN armor. My favorite part is where the Iron Avenger dodges a tank blast, shoots a missile up its muzzle and walks away slowly, while the tank is blown to bits. “Bonafide badass.”

Take a look at the TV spot and rant back to us if IRON MAN fever has gripped you yet.

Critical Mass: The 10 Best Chick Flicks

Critics Rant — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 17:00:00 GMT

By Faith McQuinn

According to Wikipedia, the term “chick flick” refers to movies that are stereotypically made for women. You know, things like melodramas and saccharin romantic dramas.

I’m here to share with you my favorites among the hundreds of feminine films. Even though I’m more guyish when it comes to movies—I like my fair share of explosions and space exploration—a good chick flick is always a necessity when you’re feeling like crap or you need a good night in with the girls.

1. AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr play two beautiful people who meet on a cruise. They agree to meet up again six months later at the top of the Empire State Building. Alas, horrible things happen, and they both think they’ve lost love forever. The scene when they finally see each other again is the gold standard of chick flicks. If there isn’t at least a lump in your throat when the music swells, you have no heart at all.

2. DIRTY DANCING
The dance routines, the secretive relationship, the sex, the abuse—it’s all one big soap opera in a 90 minute package. Men hate this movie. Women love it. This is my biggest guilty pleasure on the list. I don’t think Patrick Swayze’s much of a looker, but if a guy danced like that with me, I might fall for him.

3. SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE
SLEEPLESS gets a foot into this category just by mimicking AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER, but with stellar performances by Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, it stands quite well on its own. It’s a perfectly comfortable movie filled with hope and true love and a touch of magic. That sentence alone probably turned off half the guys reading this (if there are any guys reading this).

4. SAY ANYTHING…
The movie that made every girl in America fall madly in love with John Cusack is, to me, the best teen romantic comedy of the eighties. At first, I didn’t think I should include SAY ANYTHING… on the list because it’s not an truly a chick flick, but when I asked my guy friends what they think of it, they all said, “It’s just OK.” Obviously, none of them understand the power of Peter Gabriel playing on a boom box.

5. STEEL MAGNOLIAS
AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER may be the gold standard, but STEEL MAGNOLIAS broke the mold. This movie isn’t about romance; it’s about women. It’s two hours of mothers, daughters, best friends, and co-workers bonding in a beauty shop. No straight man alive would willingly sit through this, and if he would, he’d deny it until the day he died.

6. WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
Billy Crystal has never struck me as a romantic type of actor, but I became a puddle of goo when his character Harry utters, “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” Who doesn’t want to hear words like that from the love of your life?

7. THELMA & LOUISE
If a movie about two women shooting men, blowing up trucks, and sleeping with Brad Pitt isn’t a bona fide chick flick, then I don’t know what is. In 1991, Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis became the embodiment of girl power, and even though they’ve both had their fair share of crappy follow-ups, I’ll always remember that crazy leap off the side of a cliff.

8. SABRINA
I’m talking about the 1965 version with Audrey Hepburn, not the half-ass version with Julia Ormond. Watching a young woman pine after a guy, leave the country, become a different woman, and come back just to have said guy pine after her is enough to qualify as a chick flick. The icing on the cake is when the unexpected love happens. That always makes for wonderful story.

9. SENSE AND SENSIBILITY
Don’t period pieces just default to chick flicks? Well, this one does. Take one part solid adaptation and two parts strong female actors and add in the king of British romantic comedies (that would be Hugh Grant for those who can’t follow), and you get one pretty wonderful Victorian chick flick.

10. WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING
With a wacky supporting cast, this movie doesn’t make men as squeamish as some of the others, but SLEEPING is still primarily a chick flick. Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman are the perfect non-couple couple; plus I got a good lesson in what “leaning” really means.