By Su-Kim Lee

Look up APOCALYPTO on IMDB.com and check out the list of plot keywords.  It reads like a FRIDAY THE 13TH sequel: Impalement, Shot Through The Mouth, Shot In The Head, Stabbed In The Arm, Stabbed In The Chest, Beaten To Death, Female Nudity, Stabbed In The Throat, Severed Head, Shaved Head, Heart Ripped Out, Topless, Testicle, Breasts, Male Nudity, Head On Stake, Bitten In The Throat.

Personally, I like how Female Nudity, Topless and Breasts are all separate categories.

Following the success of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST, allegedly reformed drunkard Mel Gibson embarked on what was touted as a groundbreaking and fascinating exploration capturing all the grandeur and gritty realism of the fall of the Mayan empire, complete with Spanish conquistadors, archaic languages, exotic locales and half-naked natives. Unfortunately, APOCALYPTO fails to deliver more than a high-speed, testosterone-fueled charge of action and bile.

APOCALYPTO is a gorgeously filmed, curiously cast and painfully pierced slice-of-life movie that follows Jaguar Paw’s (Rudy Youngblood) abduction from his tribe, delivery into the hands of the bloodthirsty Mayans and subsequent escape to retrieve his very pregnant wife and son (from the aforementioned hole).

However, the making-of featurette is more absorbing than the movie itself, with actors in full makeup, surrounded by jungle, wielding cell phones and digital cameras trained on their larger-than-life director.

All the actors deliver acceptable performances, but no one really shines because there isn’t much of a story to tell.  The movie begins with a gruesome tapir hunt wherein the spoils are handed out to the hunters and one of them is enticed to nosh on the animal’s testicles – with the claim that this will boost his sperm count.  From there we experience a lot of blood, fire, abuse, hitting, punching, screaming … see the IMDB keyword search above for more details.

When we finally get to the Mayan capital, it looks like a cross between purgatory and an Egyptian nightmare.  Heads tumble basketball-like down the steps of a steep-sided pyramid while the decadently wealthy sport the wackiest hairdos I’ve ever seen and occupy themselves with drinking, eating and slave-bidding.

Our heroes from the happy village are up for the chop when the world’s most convenient solar eclipse occurs and, for no apparent reason, the boys are set free.  The meanies who captured them ain’t too pleased, so they set them a challenge: If they can run to the corn rows at the end of a small field, they won’t be chased.  Of course, there is a catch.  As they run to freedom, sharp pointy things and hard blunt objects are hurled at them.  Even more bloodshed ensues.  During all this, the head meanie’s son is killed, so instead of letting Jaguar Paw go they chase him through the forest and … does anyone really care at this point?

I feel bad for the actors, especially Rudy Youngblood.  All are obviously passionate about the project and the light of hope in their eyes is heartbreaking – especially considering the fact that the movie tells us absolutely nothing about the Mayan empire or those who lived in its shadow.

Gibson’s BRAVEHEART was a gore-soaked Disney movie.  THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST was a feat of religious marketing genius that roped in the gullible.  APOCALYPTO is nothing more than a maggot-ridden mess in which the rich stick green rocks to their faces, paint their slaves blue, leaving the world with the impression that the Mayan empire was a joke.