By Buzz Byrne
AMERICAN IDOL is just plain weird. As an easy way to fame as well as infamy, it attracts the talented, the demented and the desperate. This was a prime time celebration of all of that – through music and song and never-ending promotion. Joe Perry of Aerosmith teamed with contestant and should-be-winner Sanjaya Malakar for the Kinks’ “You Really Got Me.” What, does Joe have a salsa coming out? No, it’s a hot sauce. Really. It was a Jerry Springer-tears-up-to-Bette Midler kind of weird. Overstuffed, short on depth and with an obvious ending. Somewhere, Michael Bay is saying, “Now, that’s how you put together a musical showcase!”
Finalists Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis started the night with a duet version of “I Saw Her/Him Standing There.” Once they were hustled off, the important stuff began – the musical guest stars! You didn’t really think this was going to be about the finalist, did you? Gwen Stefani pretended to interrupt her concert to perform her latest single via satellite. First IDOL winner Kelly Clarkson performed her new single live. Smokey Robinson performed a three-song medley with this year’s top six male finalists. With choreography! Seeing Chris Sligh and Phil Stacey try to glide like Miracles was akin to shin splints. Doug E. Fresh performed with Blake because the final song from the night before didn’t lend itself to beatboxing. Gladys Knight sang her three-song medley with this year’s top six female finalists and Tony Bennett performed a master class in connecting to the material by singing “For Once in My Life.”
In between all that was a crammed-in faux award-show comedy bit. Host Ryan Seacrest handed out trophies for Best Presentation, Most Original Vocals and Best Couple, highlighting the freak contingent that so amuses in the first rounds of auditions. With some sense of self-deprecation, Seacrest and Judge Simon Cowell were nominated for the last award but lost. One can’t help but applaud the AMERICAN IDOL producers who made the risky call to switch the on-air sexual tension this season from Simon/Paula to Simon/Ryan. Bravo.
And that was just the first hour.
The second hour was the showcase of past winners and a flailing attempt at social conscience, interrupted by a few moments of self-congratulations. Bebe and Cece Winans got spiritual with IDOL contender Melinda Doolittle. Past IDOL winner Carrie Underwood made me long for Chrissie Hynde with her version of “I’ll Stand by You.” This gave us a chance to hear from Clive Davis about how amazing IDOL has been for the music industry. Carrie got a giant plaque celebrating her success. This interlude made one hope for a return of the award-show bit. The African Children’s Choir and Green Day performed, separately, to make you think globally. Especially if you were feeling guilty or bloated from all the Olestra-like entertainment consumed up to this point. Past IDOL winner Taylor Hicks performed his new song, looking like car salesman. Jordin performed with past IDOL winner Ruben Studdard. Bette Midler’s performance made Jerry Springer pretend to have a soul. And, the all the past winners (save for the absent Fantasia) and this year’s top 12 contestants got together for a “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club” massac- … er, tribute.
Then, the stage was cleared, leaving Blake, Jordin, Ryan and a guy in suit who pretended to be official when he handed the envelope to Ryan. It was opened. Jordin won. She sang and cried. Did you think it would go any differently?