By Buzz Byrne
Reality TV works best when it can explore human nature through real people either excelling at the artful and the fantastic (PROJECT RUNWAY, THE AMAZING RACE) or sacrificing integrity and sense of self for fame and fortune (BIG BROTHER, NANNY 911). TV executives screw this all up when they salivate over the bad taste elements and try and make up for that with slapping some quick-fix guru into the mix and calling the whole event “empowering.” And that is exactly what ABC’s EX-WIVES CLUB is billed as, “An empowering new reality series.”
The concept is to feature two people, destroyed by a recent divorce and change their empty, bitter, self-loathing lives. This is dream TV for anyone on the “couples chart” that falls between “Totally in love” and “Not considering divorce at the moment.” Is there any better way to feel good about one’s existence than to compare it to the bombed-out emotional wreckage that is most recent divorcées? And who better to host this than a middle-aged Powerpuff Girl collection of super exes: Marla Maples, Angie Everhart and Shar Jackson. Better known as the XWC team.
The first of this five-episode series introduces us to freshly-divorced Kevin and Rebecca. They aren’t divorced from each other, no, but that would be the real makeover series. If this show is at all successful, look for that idea on Fox next fall. Kevin’s wife was unfaithful and Rebecca was emotionally abused in her marriage (“He called me a bitch … on our honeymoon!”). The two explain what they want out of this experience: Rebecca wants to jump-start her writing career, and it seems Kevin wants to not be poor and to stop weeping openly in front of his kids.
Step one: send pale-shadows-of-former-life-filled beings off to a divorce guru’s center. There could be no better way to
restore the human dignity of someone who has spent years emotionally bankrupt than with a two -- yes that says TWO -- day seminar. Day one, first thing in the morning is “Anger.” Why start this day any differently than the last couple thousand? Everyone gets blindfolded and is directed to release all the anger they carry from the divorce. They have this so down pat at the center, you don’t even notice them removing the glassware and furniture from the room. Day one also includes “Whispering,” “Finding the gifts” and the “Unconcealing Project.” Day two must be when the goat’s blood is drunk, because the only thing shown from that day was the “Bonfire Purge” to cap off the seminar.
Now that the emotional life has been rebuilt, it is time for some revenge and makeovers! The two divorcées get new clothes and a new look. This is the one segment where Kevin didn’t cry, even when they shaved off his soul patch. Meanwhile, Rebecca (“He said I shouldn’t wear skirts because I have ugly legs”) also got a computer (“I was finishing my Masters Thesis and he was downloading porn onto my laptop and wiped out the whole hard drive and he didn’t even care!”). The XWC team also got hold of Rebecca’s chief nemesis from the marriage: a 1970 Oldsmobile Cutlass. They dropped it out of a plane at 10,000 feet. Shar Jackson explained, “This is extreme, but compare it to years on a therapist’s couch.” Thank you Shar, it’s all better now. Except you obviously had to pay Rebecca’s ex a ton of dough to get him to part with his darling car (“It had a carpet in the garage. He would introduce people to the car and not me!”).
To wrap it up, Kevin got a promotional party for his business put together by Marla -- and this is surprising -- but he cried. What better way to build your self-esteem and generate a true sense of purpose than working in Florida real estate? Rebecca got to go on a blind date (“If I lined up all your ex-girlfriends, what would they say about you?”) that went about as well as could be expected. By the way Rebecca, the answer is “He’ll do anything to be on TV.”
Is there anything more important than that? This isn’t empowering, it’s tacky voyeurism and not even tacky enough to be good and sinful. Wait for Fox’s version.