By Michelle Lerner
Dear Garry Marshall,
You are so wise and talented. You have had a long, legendary career. You basically made Julia Roberts a star. I admire the fact that you want to mentor young directors, but can’t the Director’s Guild just send you some trainees? Isn’t there a golf tournament you could be playing somewhere, or a film festival over which you could preside? Because, frankly, your pearls of wisdom are wasted in the excruciating show, ON THE LOT.
The nerve of Fox! The absolute nerve! I just spent an hour of my life essentially watching a recap of last night’s episode of ON THE LOT. I know that they need time for “America” to vote, but really? It’s annoying when AMERICAN IDOL does it, but that show has earned the right. ON THE LOT has not. A whole hour of being introduced, then re-introduced to the eighteen finalists? No, you read that right. The contestants, arranged in three rows, are introduced briefly, and then introduced again when Adrianna Costa, the hostess, tells them whether they are staying or going. See what the show made me do? Now I am going all repetitive.
But not as repetitive as ON THE LOT, which in order to kill a little time, shows the top three films, again. You can see them on the Internet whenever you want, so … yeah. I guess it’s a reward of some sort. But for the audience, it feels like a punishment!
ON THE LOT is making me yearn for Tyra Banks and AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, words I never thought I would type. I thought Tyra was long-winded when dismissing finalists, but ON THE LOT makes her look like a mercy killer. I can’t imagine how painful it is for the poor contestants when they cut to a commercial after they’ve narrowed it down to two. I know it is supposed to create drama, but the show is so flat it just feels like cruelty. The look on the contestants’ faces is pure torture. As Garry might say, cut to the chase already!
What else can I say? ON THE LOT is so spectacularly misconceived that I feel bad for it. Yes, for a show! It could have
been so interesting. Sometimes having “America” vote isn’t the best way to get ratings. “America” has bad taste! Especially in movies! The experts are experts for a reason. Michael Kors, Tyra Banks, Tom Colicchio; their ability to get rid of contestants on their shows gives their opinions crucial dramatic weight. Garry has opinions too! Give them the weight they deserve! Let the judges vote the people off. Give us a bad a guy who keeps slipping through! Give us the process!
Ok, fine. Maybe I learned a thing or two. I found out that “America” is a big fan of short offensive films about mentally-challenged people. SPOILER ALERT: I learned that “America” doesn’t like directors from other countries; the three dismissed finalists hailed from Spain, Italy and England. At first, I thought they didn’t like women, because two of the three are in fact ladies, but then, when they sent the Brit home, it all made sense. And that Carrie Fisher is trying to marry off her daughter to a Canadian man, Zach Lipovsky (Garry thinks he should change his name), whose slightly entertaining film was in the top three. It involves a lab where everything goes wrong. It was filmed in one long shot, which is cool. But not that cool. I also learned that Garry's sister, Penny Marshall, is lonely, which made me sad. Maybe they’ll have her on. But her opinion is sure to be wasted.