By David Valdes
Whatever they’re paying Seacrest, I want it doubled and given to Cat Deeley. The playful British host begins Wednesday’s episode of SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE on the streets of Los Angeleeze (her phonetics, not mine) at 7-freaking-a.m., commiserating with the contestants waiting in line to audition. We learn that Season Two winner Benji Schwimmer will appear later when he assists his little sister with her audition. Benji fans across the nation roar in excitement; Travis Wall (Season Two runner-up) fans die a little inside.
Along with Nigel Lythgoe and Crazy Mary Murphy, Wade Robson is the night’s first guest judge. Robson made a name for himself working with the likes of Michael Jackson and Britney at her prime, but he made an even bigger splash with his Season Two “Ramalama” routine. If you have not seen it, I suggest you YouTube it now.
The night’s first contestant, 18-year-old Lauren “Misha” Gottlieb, is kind of a spaz. It works, though, because her audition is a masterful demonstration of controlled chaos. Who else dug the quick cut to Wade’s intense stares of concentration as she writhed and pulsated on the floor? The judges all love it -– straight to Vegas she goes! Misha kisses Nigel, Mary and Wade after receiving her plane ticket and I’m thinking, “Is this OK? Can all contestants do this? Security?”
Twenty-four-year-old Jessi Peralta rubs baby oil all over her torso midway through her audition. Hot? Yes. But where the hell did that come from? Hers is an awfully gimmicky audition, considering the dancers only have a good minute to shine. But what do I know? The judges send her straight to Vegas! I like Mary’s loopy expression as she inquires about the steamy dance number, “What were you thinking about when you made that one up?”
Along comes Ernie “EJ” Sierra, a 28-year-old hairdresser in a way-too-small black T-shirt, tights and ballet shoes. I, like Nigel, made up my mind about this portly mess before he had even begun his routine. Turns out he can dance and his lyrical audition piece, while definitely effeminate, shows some real skill. Nigel’s commentary is just plain cold as he stifles the crowd’s applause and repeatedly tells EJ they are only cheering “because you are fat.” Wade’s “You’re dancing like a girl” comment, while accurate, only rubs salt on the wound.
The judges should have saved their wrath for Colin Wheeler, who tells the cameras -- with no shame whatsoever -- that the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith talks to him and is the inspiration for his audition piece. He is gangly and does body rolls. Next.
Olivia Usey is one of those contestants this show loves to tout. Her sob story includes liver problems, high cholesterol (what?) and cancer in the family; I’m surprised they even make her audition. Her dance is a little too style-over-substance for my taste, but her personality shines. Think Season Two contestant Natalie Fotopoulos, but even Greeker.
Bryde Cleverly (cool last name, no?) stands out in the crowd with his gold-colored Mexican wrestling mask. I know fools
like this make for good TV, but honestly, who is this guy kidding? For his audition, he stomps his way through what looks like round one of Dance Dance Revolution. Oh nevermind -– he informs the judges and America that he has just danced “jump style,” which originated in Belgium. My bad. This guy actually makes it to the choreography round. Are the judges high?
The world’s most wholesome and completely eccentric dance partnership is up next, with a ballroom number as competent as all of the ballroom numbers usually are on this show. Really, has SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE ever shown us a crummy ballroom audition? These people come bedazzled and ready to impress the sect of America that actually finds this kind of warmed-over cheese amusing. (Rant back and argue with me!) The kicker here is that the female half, Dia Beck, winks almost gratuitously throughout her entire audition. And the dude, Kurt Meyers -– well, he has had the hiccups for the past seven years. This sends Crazy Mary into a full-on cackle. I’m not kidding, people. It is a 15-second-long, guttural cackle. I rewound my DVR three times to watch the Mary meltdown.
Fans of Season Two will remember Hawk, the exceptional break-dancer who got the boot after lying about having a worker’s visa to stay in the states. He's back with what he insists is a real worker’s visa (it’s going to take a while for me to trust you again, Hawk) and an exciting hip-hop/break-dance routine. Wade called it “badass.” Indeed it was.
Benji’s sister and Heidi’s cousin -– whose name I have chosen not to learn unless she makes it into the top 20 -– dances a fun ballroom number with her older brother. It is chock-full of tricks, like that heel-slide move Benji always did, and that two-person cartwheel Benji and Heidi used to do. Nigel tells Benji’s sister and Heidi’s cousin that she ought to lose the wacky facial expressions because wacky expressions don’t suit a girl’s face. I love it.
The episode’s final two contestants both have prosthetic limbs. The first, Janet Bombard, is fairly good, but decidedly less special than most of the other dancers who made the cut dancing in the same style. I did not notice her prosthetic arm and hand until Nigel mentioned it afterward. She makes it through. The second dancer, Jon “Quincy” Vereen, is more focused on his impairment than on his dancing, which is a nonevent after all of the buildup of his dramatic pre-audition video. Nigel puts him through to the choreography round for the “experience” of it all. Okay then.
I’m interested to hear what you all thought of this two-hour audition extravaganza. Which city had the better dancers, Los Angeleeze or Chicago? Was Nigel too lenient on the dancers with prosthetic limbs? Can we really trust Hawk? And how amazing was the Crazy Mary cackle following the hiccupping Kurt’s audition?