By Su-Kim Lee

As an amateur chef and budding sociopath, I naturally gravitated to the character of Hannibal the Cannibal in 1986.  With whom else could I argue the nuances of the finer points of pancreas vs. thalamus sweetbreads, whilst eviscerating the proletariat with my Spyderco?

Alas, this love –- like a wine grape left too long on the vine –- withered away with each passing movie. Perhaps Michael Mann didn’t realize the Pandora’s box he was opening when he directed MANHUNTER.  Perhaps Brian Cox and Anthony Hopkins thought they were just having a bit of fun as Hannibal Lecter.  Or, maybe screenwriter Thomas Harris saw all that money rolling in and realized that recycling was the easiest and most profitable way to go (hey, if works for Michael Crichton it should work for anyone).

This latest installment of the Lecter series purports to reveal the storied and near-mythical origins of the most charmingly evil flesh-ripper ever. I couldn’t wait for this movie to come out. I got goose bumps when I saw pre-release stills of the young Hannibal (the quite sexy Gaspard Ulliel). Male friends were equally drooling over his aunt, the Lady Murasaki (Gong Li –- last seen as the Ice Geisha in MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA). Then, the film hit screens and displeasure ensued. What should have been a fascinating exploration into the psyche of a maniac turned out to be nothing more than a revenge tale that offered little to no insight. Perhaps if Hannibal had eaten (you know what I mean, get your brains out of the gutter) his aunt, I would have been more accepting and/or entertained. 

The impetus for Hannibal’s transformation from loving son and brother is revenge, after a band of cold and hungry opportunistic local Lithuanian partisans eat his sister.  That’s it. No deep-seated psychoses. No Ed Gein tendencies. Not even a whiff of Jeffrey Dahmer-isms. 

Oh sure, there’s other backstory stuff –- especially for Lady Murasaki –- but who cares? I figured out other reviewers hadn’t mentioned any of it because they (specifically, those who managed to a) remain awake and b) not walk out of the theater in disgust) realized no one would care!  It takes 47 minutes and 31 seconds before we get the slightest glimpse of what our liver-licking fiend’s future holds.  He becomes an aesthete and a doctor because … why? I don’t know why –- I got distracted by the hockey and baseball games.

At the end, Hannibal avenges his sister, Lady Murasaki’s honor is tenuously upheld and we resolute movie masochists are finally rewarded with one good shot of Ulliel sporting an unspeakably fiendish and blood-drenched grin.

GOOD MORNING AMERICA's Joel Siegel says, "If you can keep your eyes open, you’re going to get scared." Unfortunately, it’s not fear that causes one’s eyelids to stutter, its sheer boredom and a sad sort of ennui.  If you hold the brain-sautéing and tauntingly malicious-delicious doctor in high regard, stop now and do not see this movie.  Instead, may I suggest a repeat viewing of AMERICAN PSYCHO, or perhaps THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING?

DVD extras include rated and unrated versions of the film, commentary with director Peter Webber and producer Dino De Laurentiis, plus the featurette “Allan Starski, Designing Horror and Elegance.” Starski is quite evidently gleeful and more than happy to guide us through the rich and detailed world he has created. It always makes me sad when people pour so much of their soul into a project whose end product is less than impressive.

(And, in case anyone is wondering, the Ducks took Game Two of the Stanley Cup Finals and the Dodgers beat the Nationals again.)