By David Valdes
   
I realized something while watching the Atlanta auditions on Thursday’s SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, and it had nothing to do with the dancers: Mary Murphy is a human nutcracker doll. Her jaw drops and rises as she speaks (or lets out a Crazy Mary scream), while the rest of her face stays entirely motionless. Tell me you have noticed this. Should we be concerned?

My Mary revelation is probably indicative of how uneventful the Atlanta auditions were. For a city with the nickname “Hotlanta,” the talent just wasn’t all that hot. There were some standout dancers, but very few impressed the judges enough to make it straight through to Vegas. Rather, they were sent to SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE audition purgatory, better known as the choreography round. 

The first dancer of the night, 18-year-old Caitlin Cucchiara, performs a lyrical piece that actually does send her straight through to Vegas. Call me selfish, but here’s hoping she doesn’t make it into the top 20 — "Cucchiara" is a bitch to spell.

Next up is a schoolteacher who admits to being obsessed with *NSYNC and having a shrine to Justin Timberlake in his bedroom.If that’s not sufficiently creepy, his audition piece definitely is. Dressed in the archetypal nerd outfit of too-short slacks and a short-sleeved business shirt, the guy does a contemporary routine that looks like a mixture of tai chi and calisthenics, according to Mary.

Guest judge Shane “You Got Served” Sparks hits it off with contestant Anthony “Tony” Velez after his break-dancing audition.Shane gushes over the guy so much that Nigel, of all people, accuses the two of wanting to “hook up.” On the one hand, it’s cringe-worthy watching Nigel’s attempts at humor and coolness, but on the other, he is right. Shane goes on to tell Tony that theirs is an A and B conversation and the other two judges should “C” their way out of there. This is followed by my favorite moment of the night, when Shane sits in the middle chair and lets out his very own Crazy Mary scream! Would it be too much to ask that someone let out at least one of these per episode?

Nigel has kind words for 22-year-old clogger (it’s like tapping except the shoes have some extra jangle) Brandon Norris. “I don’t think we’ve ever, ever put a clogger through,” says Nigel. So warm and reassuring, that Nigel! Brandon makes it through to the choreography round and, later on in the show, to Vegas. Good for him, except those shoes were awfully noisy.

The next contestant up, 20-year-old Bryan Gaynor, steals all three of the judges’ hearts. Bryan is a small guy in some not-so-trendy clothes,but his pop-locking robot dance routine is quite a showstopper. Nigel, who clearly feels affection for the guy, stumbles through his praise for Bryan. He calls his audition “sensational,” but he prefaces that by calling attention to Bryan's size and physical appearance. And then, in reference to Bryan’s scoliosis, Nigel asks, “Tell me, what do you suffer from?” Real smooth, Nigel!
 
And then there is Myles Johnson, 20, who was a football star for much of life, until he started dancing eight months ago.  In fact, he only joined ballet to improve his footwork on the football field.  His pre-audition video features his none-too-thrilled father who says, “I had the all-American quarterback of the football team, dating the cheerleader.  I had everything.  I had it all.”  Actually, Myles’ dad, you had little more than your own psychological issues if you are seriously confusing your son’s life with your own.  The judges give Myles a hard time about not being ready for the competition, but ultimately put him through to Vegas.  Take that, Myles’ dad.

What do you all think of the judges’ collective gushing over 18-year-old Ashley Simpson (not Jessica’s sister)?She sails straight through to Vegas and I am left wondering why. Maybe she has that something special in person, because her lyrical audition was no better than a lot of the dancers who were cut. Or maybe the judges just favor pretty people. How do you like that theory?

Shane and Nigel prove that the SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE judges have no social graces with their commentary,following a ridiculous audition by 27-year-old Kippery Rigsby. She is bad, yes, but harmless. Shane cuts her down to size with a remark about her being overweight. Nigel tries to remedy the situation with a snappy, “Stay healthy.”  Mary is mean, too, but in a funny way, and that is always more acceptable. During Kippery’s audition, Mary whispers, “Oh, she’s sucking the life force out of me.”  Which makes me wonder, exactly how much life force does one have to lose before they actually become a wooden nutcracker doll?

What did you all think of tonight’s auditions? More importantly, what do you think of the judges? I don’t know about any of you, but I could watch a whole hour of painfully awkward Nigel moments and Crazy Mary screams. Rant back in the comments section and come back next Wednesday for the Vegas round of eliminations.