By Michelle Lerner
FOOTBALLERS WIVES is as fizzy, sweet and decadent as a Bellini. It is so over-the-top and ridiculous that I am still on a sugar high. Not since the heyday of DYNASTY, FALCON CREST, and DALLAS has a prime-time soap opera so reveled in the crazy, nasty and crazy nasty behavior of the fabulously, newly super-rich. It is the perfect summer show.
Do you ever notice that we Americans like to make our pleasures guilty? On DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and THE O.C., there is/was a constant wink at the audience, as though the producers needed to let us know that not only were they in on the joke, but so were the characters. Seth Cohen practically existed to deconstruct the outrageous antics of his friends and relatives.
FOOTBALLERS WIVES feels no need to wink, which is what makes it so fun. It revels — no,
bathes — in its outrageousness and profligacy. I’m not one for recounting plots, but I will here, because I almost can’t believe what I just saw.
Amber, the wife of the recently slain Conrad, has had him cremated and “carbonized,” which means he has been turned into a honking large diamond ring. Intent on finding out the truth of how Conrad died, Amber goes to see a psychic, who hypnotizes her, in order to help Amber communicate with the restless soul of her husband. She sees images of her husband’s best friend, the lying captain of the Earls Park soccer (“football”) team, Bruno. By the end of the show, they have moved in together, because Amber believes this is the best way to avenge her husband’s death. No, actually, she knows it is right, because Conrad not only told her to seduce Bruno, but he somehow conjures up a metal detector, that she finds while meditating. She can use it find the gun Bruno used to kill him, which is buried on the grounds of the estate. Yeah. And, that’s the B-story!
It doesn’t matter that the acting is just OK, and you kind of know what’s going to happen (though the metal detector did throw me for a loop.) The show works because it isn’t afraid to be a garish, bling-ridden treat. There is no guilt here! The clothes demonstrate this perfectly — they are short, tight and very revealing — on men as well as women, no matter what the shape.
Which brings me to another high point — the wedding scene. The whole show would be worth watching just for this scene.
It looks like what would happen if Pamela Anderson threw a costume ball, with a PRIDE AND PREJUDICE theme — full of fake boobs, bad tans and ludicrously expensive and skimpy attire. New midfielder, Tremaine Gidigbi, has joined the team after serving time in jail for responding violently to a racial remark made to his girlfriend. He is angry, and shows up to Bruno’s wedding/vow renewal ceremony (to Lucy, which actually doesn’t happen; she finds out their original marriage was a sham) in his usual over-the-top style. You see, while everyone is in his or her 17th century finest (by way of an ‘80s- era Madonna video), Tremaine and his girlfriend, Liberty, decide to dress as slaves. His outfit includes a furry vest and no shirt, and hers is so low-cut, well, it’s just really, really low-cut. Oh joy! Oh bliss! I can’t do justice to how perfectly silly it is.
And, I haven’t even delved into the wonderful insults and brilliant cat fights. What might give you a hint of the antics to come is the fact that Joan Collins is joining the cast, and her character is called Eva de Wolffe! Set your DVRs now! Summer just got hot. (I can’t believe I just said that, but, then again, that’s FOOTBALLERS WIVES!)