By Michelle Lerner
When most people say “I’ll get to the bottom of that,” they simply mean that they will — using proper investigative techniques — solve the mystery in question. When Amber on FOOTBALLERS WIVES says it, she means that: a) she will have her murdered husband, Conrad, cremated and turned into a honkingly huge diamond ring that she can use to communicate with him via meditation, a tacky gold Buddha and some weird makeup, and b) that she will drive the man she believes murdered him (who happens to be her lover, Bruno) nuts by pretending to haunt him; something Conrad has told her to do. How can you NOT watch this show?
In my second favorite plotline on tonight’s episode, the (amazingly, can’t-take-my-eyes-off-her) horrid Liberty sneaks away from her gorgeous, rich boyfriend, Tre, for a tryst with her vaguely Russian, female personal assistant, Svetlana. Actually, that’s not her name — it’s Urzsula — but it might as well be. I love that Liberty is supposed to be a supermodel — a sort of Naomi Campbell crossed with Kimora Lee Simmons — when she has the biggest bum known to man (in a good way). I wish designers would hire models that looked like her, instead of anorexic Croatian 16-year-olds. If all models looked like Liberty, people might actually care about fashion. Liberty is always in something like lingerie, which means when she’s on screen, you just can’t take your eyes off of her. And, her bad acting just enhances her character. (She rolls her eyes, indicates all over the place, and is American by way of Chertsey.) Screw THE SOPRANOS, this is entertainment.
And, last but not least, I can’t write this review without mentioning the lovely Shannon, who moments after promising the
wounded, Justin Timberlakish Darius that they could go on a holiday together, decides to go on a date with his hot new replacement on the team, Callum. I know for most girls a first date means not wearing a shirt of some sort under your jacket/blazer. Note to Britney Spears: the blazer means you’re classy, and the no shirt means you’re a sport; you might want to try it sometime. Also, not wearing a shirt under your jacket means that you can disrobe much easier, say, before the wine has even been uncorked.
The trick’s on Shannon, though, because
of course her new friend Callum just left the room to go get his mom. He wanted his new lady to meet his mum properly. In her bra and undies, as it turns out, which by the way, are really cute.
Yeah, there is some conspiracy about how Darius got injured, blah blah. I’d just TiVo over any scenes with just men in them, especially the football ones. They get in the way of the ridiculous drama. And, don’t be surprised if, when the show is over, you have the sort of headache a person gets from drinking too much cheap champagne. I have to go take an Advil now.