By Michelle Lerner

Dear Agony Aunt,
Last night my new boyfriend’s mom saw me in my underwear. You see, I impulsively decided to get naked at his house after our first date, not knowing that she lived there too. My question is: Do you think it’s a good idea to wear a T-shirt as a dress when delivering the apology flowers? It’s my most conservative outfit, and I don’t want her calling me a slapper. I just need advice! Please help!
Best regards,
Shannon, an ex and future FOOTBALLERS WIFE

Dear Shannon,
Please feel free to wear whatever you want. I would counsel you to wear a conservative suit, or at least some trousers, but it’s just not your personality to do that. If Mum is ever to get to know you and love you, like we do, she should see you in all your semi-clothed glory. Just don’t expect diabetic Mum to like it very much. She seems as manipulative as the rest of the lot. And, her imitation of your accent is pretty funny. If I were you, I would stay away from the underage boys and ask Lucy what’s up. She might be able to lend you that fantastic T-shirt/denim skirt ensemble. I am sure Diabetic Mum would like you immediately if she saw you in that. It would remind her of her youth, in 1985, when she was a Duran Duran groupie. Especially the Nagel painting on the tee.

Or, perhaps Amber could lend you some clothes. She won’t need them in the insane asylum where she’s headed. You could borrow that lovely printed blouse, and pair it with her amazing wide-legged leather jeans. You would look like an extra from DYNASTY, which might suit you, since you do have that big blond thing going on. It would surely be a more sophisticated look for you. I think you could afford a more grown-up look, since you seem to have borrowed all of Paris Hilton’s clothes from four years ago. In her size, which, honey, is not yours. But then again, you do look like you are having fun.

Amber does too. Let’s discuss. She’s really starting to get freaky. Poor Bruno. He’s too stupid to realize it. I mean, come on, she leaves the table and he gets a phone call from Conrad? It’s the oldest trick in the book. I think I remember an episode of LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, where June tried to freak out Ward by pretending to be Eddie Haskell, while Eddie was sitting right there. Funny stuff.

Thank God for Lucy. She’s the only one with any sense. She realizes the truth about Amber in a dream, which, as any good actor knows, is where people are at their most creative. (Perhaps while you are sleeping tonight, Shannon, you could imagine yourself a new wardrobe! It’ll be right out THE SECRET, approved by Oprah herself!)

Good thing Lucy warns Bruno, before he has a chance to off himself. He’s so thick, it would be a shame to lose him.

Speaking of thick, what do you make of this whole Tre/Liberty thing? I can’t believe Tre hasn’t yet figured out that Liberty is getting the lady love from Urzula. It’s like, get a clue! Tre certainly has it all where he needs it, as we both saw tonight. I wish Liberty would give up the hausfrau and marry that man before he dumps her for Lucy. The show would be so sad without Liberty, don’t you think? I know you guys aren’t friends yet, really, but she is fierce. Get to know her. Maybe she could get you a good deal on a lingerie set. Not that you need it.

Anyway, that’s my advice. Thanks for writing, Shannon! Keep up the good work, and don’t change a thing! (But maybe wear trousers around the mum, K?)