By Matthew Wood

As we move further into the fourth season of RESCUE ME, the plotlines are quickly falling into two distinct categories: worthwhile drama that’s at the peak of quality television, and crap I couldn’t care less about.

Example: Poor Tommy getting exploited by crazy Sheila into incorrectly admitting he couldn’t, um, please her as a reason for the beach house fire at the end of last season (and subsequent $2 million insurance policy that’s on the line). That’s an interesting story — if for no other reason than we don’t want our dear protagonist going out like that.

But, there’s a whole lot that I fear won’t be able to hold our attention for much longer this season — such as Teddy getting out of jail and quickly leaving his little lady by ditching her at a coffee shop. Yeah, that’ll work out. Is he just gonna skip out of town and hope she never looks for him? (Come on. I’ve tried to ditch plenty of chicks in my day, and I’ll tell you for sure that the ol’ climb-out-the-bathroom-window plan never works. Just trust me on this one.)

Or the whole Mike and his dying mother thing. Yeah, not gonna care about that one. I mean, she asked you to put her out of her misery, Mikey. Here’s a pillow. Make it happen and quit wasting our time.

OK, I know that seems a bit harsh. But, I’ve got no time for that. I mean, forgive me if I’m curt, but Tommy’s daughter has run away, he faces possible jail time, and Lou is so close to getting that black guy for the house basketball team. We don’t have time to talk about Sean’s “spank bank” with his wife.

And while we’re on the subject, Tatum O’Neal, we’ve gotta talk. You better start coming strong, because you’re bringing nothing to the table here. Either do something interesting, or take that big box of “porno” and hit the road. And speaking of, nobody calls it “porno.” It’s “porn.” Get with the times, old lady. I know it seems like yesterday that you were showing off those prepubescent shoulders in THE BAD NEWS BEARS, but that was a long, long time ago. Time to start acting a bit, baby.

OK, I’m done venting about the unnecessary fluff. Let’s get back to Tommy. As we left him, he’s taking the crew — in the fire truck, sirens blasting — to find Colleen, who has run off with her lead singer boyfriend. If, God forbid, I’m ever the father of a teenage daughter, and if, by some chance, she runs away with her deadbeat beau, I’m definitely finding myself a fire truck and I’m going after that sonofabitch. Now, that’s how you put a scare into a scumbag boyfriend.

Unfortunately, even if he does get Colleen back, he’s still got that whole insurance fraud case to deal with. Sheila has him in the palm of her hand, making him believe she wasn’t at fault for drugging him and starting the infamous beach house fire. Hopefully, the investigators will fall for it too. Otherwise, it’s gonna be one in and one out of jail for the Gavin family.