Thursday, June 28, 2007 Rant Archive
Well, there’s no easy way to put it, and we might as well get the spoiler out of the way. Episode 3 of RESCUE ME ends tragically, as the Chief — fresh off the news that his heart is too weak to stay in the house — takes a revolver and puts a bullet through his head.
And, it’s a shame, because it’s quite the downer of an ending to an otherwise lighthearted episode. After attacking Colleen’s live-in boyfriend, Tommy decides the only way to get his daughter to come home is to take a dive against the big bad beau and get some sympathy points from her. Of course, this plan fails miserably as he gets his ass kicked, yet doesn’t get any closer to his daughter. Moral of that story: Don’t ever, under any circumstances, let your daughter’s boyfriend beat you up. It sets a bad precedent, and the last thing you want is the kid thinking he’s even more of a badass than he already does.
Meanwhile, the rest of the boys are dealing with their various sexual problems: Lou with his pervert ex-nun girlfriend, Sean with his porn-loving wife, and even Franco’s retarded soon-to-be brother-in-law went on a date with his wheelchair-bound girlfriend with the “hot ass.” (Note to self: Don’t take a chick in a wheelchair on a bowling date) Yes, it’s quite a dysfunctional house, and now it has lost its leader.
Wasn’t that Michah in the promos saying, “If you can’t stand the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen?” Well, on this episode of TOP CHEF, it appears she was forced to eat those words. Just three episodes in, Michah was the latest chef to be sent packing. While she definitely had a consistency problem — up one challenge and down the next — I think her attitude played a part in her departure as well; it’s not good to offend the American judges with comments that insinuate their palates are lacking. That said, Michah isn’t an awful chef; in fact, none of the contestants this season are. And, it was beginning to look like that could be a problem, because — let’s face it — there’s a part of all of us that loves to see other people fail. Luckily, the evil Hung we were promised early on emerged to save the day. In my view, every reality show needs a good villain. Time will tell if Hung can hold that title, or if Joey steals his thunder.
In this installment of TOP CHEF, the contestants have to fish for their own fresh seafood out of a tank and cook it up for professional chef and guest judge, Alfred Portale. Each contestant is given 30 seconds to scoop up as much as they can, and when Hung plows in like he’s digging for gold, we know the real competition has begun. Although, I felt a little bad for the poor crawfish that became his victim. Although, when it came down to it, Brian won yet again. Therefore, he had immunity in the elimination round, which had the chefs putting their own spin on traditional family favorites. One caveat: they had to make these high-fat, high-cholesterol foods in a healthier way for the Elks Club members they were serving. Note to self: look up these recipes on the TOP CHEF website.
Oh, what dizzying heights have been reached in television history! This week on FOOTBALLERS WIVES, I was offended on behalf of Indians, cancer patients, lesbians and the color pink. That’s a lot of plot!
Amber finally lost her last screw, after Bruno burnt down her “meditation room”/shrine to Conrad. The dynamic between her and Bruno was nice and tense as he tried his best to parry every one of her insane thrusts. First, she bought him a beautiful straight razor — you know, so he can get a closer shave — all while trying to get him to take a bath. It’s like the story of the Revolutionary Marat and the assassin, Charlotte Corday, only without all the French people.
Bruno takes a clever tact by insisting on doing the opposite of what Amber says. She offers him wine, probably poisoned; he intelligently opts for a beer. The showdown occurs over a lovely curry, into which Amber has dumped insecticide; he tries to get her to eat it. She is the worst poisoner of all time. Only dose the dish of your intended victim, not your own, you silly woman. Jeez. She obviously hasn’t seen THE PRINCESS BRIDE, or read “I, Claudius.”