By Kevin McCarthy

Some of you may be aware that Michael Bay and company held a contest that allowed fans of TRANFORMERS (a group known on the Internet and elsewhere as TransFans) to submit lines to be spoken by the Autobots and Decepticons in the movie. Yes, this film, derived from an ‘80s cartoon, has a die-hard fan base, and an ornery group at that. It’s become a bit cliché to ridicule such a group, especially with the Trekkies and STAR WARS fanatics crowding up cyberspace aplenty. But, it’s such a sweet moment when, as with the increasingly lame STAR WARS prequels, these dorky cash cows are treated to something truly terrible. And, as the insanely hokey one-liners spewed from Optimus Prime’s huge, vacant head, I relished in the fact that it was — in part — the TransFans’ fault. Not even the fact that they brought in the voice actor for WINNIE THE POOH’s Eeyore makes this crap comically tolerable. The two and a half hour-long CG-fest is like a miserable car commercial with dreams of becoming a real boy.

The plot of TRANSFORMERS is fitting for a Saturday morning season of cartoons — not a feature film. The Transformers once lived in peace on their own planet, where they protected a mysterious cube called the Allspark. The Allspark contains a great energy capable of bringing inanimate objects, such as electronic devices, to life. The Transformers were once the custodians of the device, and maintained a peaceful civilization. Until, of course, Megatron leads a faction of power-hungry robots intent on using the Allspark for evil. During the ensuing battle, the Transformer civilization is sent into ruins and the Allspark disappears into space, only to be discovered on Earth thousands of years later. That’s the whole plot. 

Good-guy leader, Optimus Prime, delivers the story in voice-over two seconds into the film, and there we sit for a good two hours not caring what happens, waiting only for the final battle to begin. What we do get in the meantime is Shia LaBeouf as geeky 11th grader, Sam Witwicky, who’s pursued by Transformers good and bad because he holds an artifact that will lead them to the Allspark.

LaBeouf is probably the best part of the film. His role is nothing special, but his performance is fantastic. He’s been all over the place this summer with starring roles in DISTURBIA and SURF’S UP, but I’m betting that this is the performance that will garner him the most attention. He’s no stranger to the dorky breed of comedy, but he shows a lot of growth here from his days as Louis Stevens on The Disney Channel’s EVEN STEVENS. And, I daresay, he showed a lot of on-screen charisma this time around. 

The requisite popular girl love-interest is current Maxim magazine cover girl, Megan Fox. She’s gorgeous. So gorgeous, in fact, it took me until the second act to realize that in my stupefied gawking I was showing about as much emotion as the pretty face on the screen. The girl’s vacant, but I suppose it’s no worse an offense than casting the stunted Katie Holmes in BATMAN BEGINS.  John Turturro plays the head of the secret government agency (Sector 7) in charge of studying the TRANSFORMERS. He would seem to be perfectly cast as the hot-tempered pursuer whose schemes are repeatedly dashed by the wiley Witwicky and his robotic cohorts, but his are the flattest scenes in the film. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson are two globe-trotting soldiers who are ineffectual in just about every sense of the word. Most everyone else is just as forgettable.

There are plenty of venues where Michael Bay hate-speeches are welcomed. I’ll save my effort here, because there’s really nothing new to say. I can only wonder why the guy chooses to sprint before he’s learned how to walk. Roger Ebert has whined about the lengthy computer-generated battle sequences that populate this film. I honestly wouldn’t mind a little repeated spectacle in a film about giant alien war-machines, but you sure as hell better be on-point if you’re going to pull it off. 

Bay falls woefully short of having the requisite imagination to pull off these gigantic action set-pieces. Human extras pass unharmed through tons of superimposed metal; actors stare horrified at the shoulders of Decepticons; and, most egregiously, robots go head-to-head without a moment’s notice of who’s who. I didn’t know when to cheer and when to jeer. The whole thing just came off as sloppy and plodding. 

So, if you want your kid to grow up with a decent sense of what action is, take him or her to go see LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. If your child seems destined to create his own guild on World of Warcraft and write nasty posts on message boards, well, at least this will give the little one something to squawk about. Feel free to weigh in.