Thursday, July 12, 2007 Rant Archive
In a way, it’s too bad the Harry Potter films are hewing so close to the book titles. Although the latest, HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX, has a nice enough title, it might be better to borrow a line from the Bard and call it “Something Wicked This Way Comes.” I know it’s already been done, but watch that Disney oddity sometime and tell me it couldn’t stand for some improvement.
But, I digress. It’s fifth year at Hogwarts, and Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) is still dealing with the stress of losing a friend to Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) at the end of the previous year. As the semester begins, Harry and his friends Hermione (Emma Watson) and Ron (Rupert Grint) are beset by an increasingly distant Dumbledore (Michael Gambon), a public at large that doesn’t believe that “He Who Must Not Be Named” is back, and a Ministry of Magic that wants it to stay that way. Harry begins to suspect that his mood swings are a little more than teen angst, and when the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor (Imelda Staunton) appears with a mind-bogglingly cute collection of kitty plates and a desire to enforce conformity at all costs, it becomes clear to the teenage wizard that he needs to take action.
Throw in a love interest for Harry and one hell of a magic battle at the end, and you get a recipe for billions, as J.K. Rowling has discovered.
There’s much to like in this adaptation, but the overwhelming impression this reviewer got was of streamlining. The fifth book is — so far — the meatiest in the series, and there’s no way in hell anyone could get most of it in without a bucket of grease and a miniseries slot on HBO. The fact that Michael Goldenberg managed to write a coherent, intelligent screenplay that takes less than three hours ought to have earned him a bonus, but by necessity, much of the novel was sublimated and/or excised altogether. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but purists will scream.
School bus accidents are more fun than this show. I’ve been to the fourth level of Hell, and it’s on Fox and hosted by Wayne Brady.
There was a time not so long ago — in fact it was earlier this evening — when I truly enjoyed television. I was killing a half hour before my assignment to watch DON’T FORGET THE LYRICS!, and I happened across a repeat of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL. In it, I saw a grown man called “Ms. J” coaching wannabe models on how to walk on cobblestones with high heels while wearing a mask. He was wearing a satin maroon babydoll cocktail dress. And nobody mentioned it. That was great TV. This show, DON’T FORGET THE LYRICS!, is not. Imagine karaoke without the beer. Imagine WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE, only off-key. Imagine earning double my annual salary based on a freaking Bangles lyric.
Wayne Brady, struggling to stay in showbiz, is the perky host. I remember a Wayne Brady from WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY that was quite an amusing entertainer. I’m positive this is some other Wayne Brady. Wayne invites a guest to center stage where the contestant must choose from nine (NINE!?) music categories (1980s, Girl Bands, Pop, Classic Rock, Divas, Rhythm and Blues, Country, Rock, Rolling Stones.) Then, the contestant sings for what seems like an eternity to a song in the chosen category. The words stop and s/he must supply the next few lyrics. The more correct answers, the more money earned, with the potential to win a million bucks. Answer wrong and you get the boot. You can stop after any correct answer, or as Wayne says, “Stay and play or take the money and run!” I’d like to run, Wayne, right out my third-floor window.
Marriage advice from Tommy Gavin? Bad idea.
Here’s the list of things you need to know about marriage, according to Tommy Gavin: Listening, hugging, buying furniture, spooning. That’s it. That’s the list.
At least, that’s what he tells Franco, who is thinking of popping the question to his beloved Natalie (the poor bastard). Well, Franco, I’ve got some advice for you: Don’t listen to Tommy Gavin.
Yes, this is the same Tommy Gavin who is currently living with his ex-wife Janet — well, sleeping on the floor — to help bring up a son that may or may not be his. He’s also the same guy who is trying to get back with said ex, even though they have more baggage than O’Hare on Christmas Eve. He’s the same guy who has twice been out with the crazy man-chick who allegedly saved his life. And yes, he’s the same guy who can’t get it up for either of them.
Advice from this guy? Good luck with that one.
In this episode of TOP CHEF, we got to see tantrums, sweat and tears; there was even some food thrown into the mix.
The mayhem began with a Quickfire Challenge that had the chefs pairing appetizers with gin-based cocktails. Guest judge, Jamie Walker — the global master mixologist for Bombay Sapphire Gin — prepared a variety of exotic mixed drinks for each contestant. The challenge was to come up with an appetizer that would blend well with the flavors of the drink.
Now, after watching every season of TOP CHEF, I believe myself to be somewhat of an expert on food, and I thought the chefs were all very creative and thoughtful in their choices of what to make. Of course, in reality, I can barely boil an egg, but that’s the beauty of a show like this; it really does make you feel as if you know what you’re talking about, even when you don’t. Perhaps the biggest shocker of the challenge was the fact that Casey won it. Not that Casey is a bad chef, but then again, who knows whether she is or isn’t since the previous three episodes have been mostly devoted to the men.