By Su-Kim Lee

Having fallen asleep during the rape scene in the 2006 remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES, I thought I should at least give “2” a fair shake — especially after seeing the totally-wicked-awesome theatrical teaser trailer. I’d previously seen THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING with absolutely no expectations, so, I thought, how bad could this be?

Co-written by Wes and Jonathan Craven, HHE2’s cinematography manages to evoke the original HHE, THE HOUSE ON THE LEFT, TREMORS and even STARSHIP TROOPERS (military personnel that are a little too attractive).

The film stars … well, no one really, but they did at least manage to find a couple of big dudes (Michael Bailey Smith and Derek Mears) who look like they could be the offspring of the actor Michael Berryman, the monster mutant in Wes Craven’s original HHE; the pair are used to excellent effect. The rest of the cast consists of no-name, hopeful up-and-comers, which made me realize that even ALIEN VS. PREDATOR actually had some names in it (Lance Henriksen, Ewen Bremner from TRAINSPOTTING and Tommy Flanagan from GLADIATOR).

Unlike the fast-flagging trend of torture porn (aka “gorno”), this movie actually has a story! OK, in all honesty, it’s not much of a story, but it’s something. National Guard trainees are transporting supplies to scientists doing research in the ominously named — and possibly still radioactive — Sector 16 in the New Mexico desert. The destination camp is deserted; grade-school clues litter the area and pouty lipp’d and eyebrow pluck’d weekend warriors are being picked off, one by one. The trainees' companions mount a hapless rescue attempt involving malfunctioning machinery, faulty GPS devices, inoperable radios, cell phones with no signal, a dwindling supply of lip gloss and terrifyingly clumsy weapons handling. Frankly, I was waiting for someone to shoot off a toe with a stunt gun’s flash wad.

This sequel to the remake of an original with no relation to the first sequel (did that make any sense?) may not possess the same joie de morte as the Craven classics, or even the likes of HALLOWEEN or TEXAS CHAINSAW, but director Martin Weisz does manage to perfectly capture the squirmy grubbiness and heatstroke-inducing atmosphere of the shooting locations. Beautiful one moment, spooky the next; what’s that thing peering at us over that rock, and could you please not lick me with your purple, deformed Gene Simmons tongue?  Thank you. 

The Gruesome Twosome (Smith and Mears), truth be told, don’t really need much makeup. Look ‘em up on IMDB, their promotional photos are threatening enough to make girls faint and set hockey scouting agents to droolin’. The Mutants’ lair is extra grim and gooey, and the pile of discarded shoes is a nice touch. The slaughterhouse-cum-kitchen is worthy of any Ed Gein aficionado and the envy of haunted house designers the world over. 

The only funny is the film’s take on that classic horror movie message — don’t have bad sex or you’ll die.  Their message is that you should never, ever go to the bathroom.

Haven’t mentioned the acting or the dialogue or any of the actual direction much yet, have I?  As a horror devotee and a card-carrying Craven-hag, I really, really, really wanted to like this movie. Unfortunately, there’s even less to like about HHE2 than there was in HHE1. Thank goodness for the power of DVD and that fast-forward button! The acting and dialogue are below abysmal, the gratuitous bloodshed abundant and there’s yet another I-feel-like-I’m-eating-my-own-barf, gross-out, overblown rape sequence. 

There are some unintentionally portentous lines that signal clear warnings:  “I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” and “Run aweeeeeee!” And, there's my favorite: “I can’t see sh*t!” Ah, if only we, the viewers, were so fortunate.

For something touted as an all-out bloodfest, the physical effects are horrid. Totally below par. I believe the lighting department has a little to do with this, but the various severed body parts look liked they’d been unscrewed from mannequins and drenched with ketchup packets stolen from Burger King; intestines look like wet hemp rope, and could someone please explain to me why and how one would insert a wallet into someone’s scalp? 

On top of all of this mess, the movie tries to be message-y with allusions to the current war situation and the condition of our fighting forces. Dear Horror Movie Mavens:  STOP DOING THIS! I wanna watch a silly monster movie that makes me throw my popcorn in the air and clutch my date’s arm periodically. If I want a lesson on the depredations of the “Sandbox,” I’ll watch CNN and MSNBC. Horror movies are meant to be an escape, a release from reality, not a badly-scripted reminder of the crap we see splashed on the front page of the newspaper every darn day.

Special features on the disk include an interview with Craven by film school students (asking questions like “Where do you get your ideas?”), two “making of” featurettes, a lifeless gag real (no pun intended), alternate ending and outtakes.