By Buzz Byrne

Last week, Nick couldn’t help but reveal his alliance with Mike, Zach and Kail to Daniele. Four minutes into this episode, Zach called the alliance dead. Then, Kail did the same. Later, they both admitted the alliance to HOH winner, Dick. What this makes me think is that Mike is wandering around the house, silently looking at everybody else as chumps for not being in his super-secret, unbreakable alliance.
 
After turning on Evel Dick and campaigning to get him evicted, Kail was in full reverse mode. Dick was having none of it, though. He pointed out that first she betrayed him, and now she was giving up her alliance to him — essentially betraying them to save her ass. Why should he trust her ever? Good point, Dick, and, this wasn’t the first time Kail displayed her “Yeeeaah … I hadn't thought of that” expression. As slack-jawed and dense as this group is, Kail might stand out as being the worst player.
 
Dick got his HOH room, complete with a baby picture of Daniele. Amber cried.
 
Later, Dick, Nick and Zach were out in the yard, and for some reason, Nick decided to tell these two that he has a top five list. Of guys. Look, he explained, it’s not gay. It’s just a list of really hot guys; five specific ones, that if they were gay and met Nick and wanted to date, he would do it. Nick further cleared this up by stating “I say a lot of homoerotic things.”
 
Alrighty then.
 
I don’t want to dwell on this, but it is really no mystery that Nick and Mike ended up in an alliance together. They both love weight lifting. They both list Leonardo DiCaprio as a favorite actor. Mike’s favorite drink is Diet Coke and Bacardi, Nick’s is Captain Morgan and Coke. Nick says a lot of homoerotic things, and Mike’s favorite movie is GLADIATOR. I would bet that if they had a really intense workout, threw back a few rum and colas while watching LEGENDS OF THE FALL (Nick’s choice), then someone would be getting past first base.
 
The food challenge was called “Mission Inpastabowl,” and involved the HouseGuests rummaging through huge vats of pasta and sauce to find matching meatballs to win specific foods for the whole house. Everybody is eating this week, which is too bad because the slop inspired a couple of moments of brilliance in this episode. The first was Jen declaring that she didn’t feel bad for the people on slop because she’s never eaten it, so she doesn’t know how bad it is, and she sucks at feeling bad for people. “I feel something,” she said in a moment of clarity, “but I don’t know what it is.” I’m simply smitten.
 
The second slop moment came when Jameka bellied up to the counter and choked back a bowl because she was starving. Amber cried.
 
Jameka had a bit of a breakdown with Evel Dick. Being the sole minority in the house has taken its toll on her. “I’ve never lived with white people,” she said through tears. I can relate, Jameka. I’ve been living with white people for a long time and if the homoerotic talk doesn’t get to you, then someone is always playing some Dave Matthews music too loud. It takes its toll indeed.
 
America’s Doofus, Eric, got the easiest challenge so far by being told to get my girl Jen nominated for eviction. When Evel Dick was weighing his options, America’s Doofus was right there, pushing for Jen. And then he looked all smug and coy like he accomplished something. It’s also possible those facial contortions are a symptom of some seizure disorder. At one point in this episode, they showed something that will brighten the day of one of our regular rant-backers. America’s Doofus started wrestling with my girl, and she planted a foot squarely in his nads. It is spooky to read the last rant on BIG BROTHER 8 and see that this action was directly requested. Good call.
 
Dick did have a genuine moment with his daughter that was touching. It was odd to see this actual human interaction in the midst of the silliness.
 
So, while Kail asked if Batman’s Robin and Barney the purple dinosaur were both gay, Dick made his evel decision on nominations. I won’t say who got it, but I will say that these pages were pretty accurate with predictions last week.