Thursday, July 26, 2007 Rant Archive
Imagine that it’s Christmas morning. You’ve opened every present except one — the coolest one under the tree. It’s the perfect size for that gadget or knickknack you’ve always wanted, wrapped in the shiniest, slickest wrapping paper there ever was, and topped with a grand bow so gaudy it ought to have a mirror ball stapled to it. You can’t wait to open it once you lay eyes on it. Finally, after your bratty siblings and Aunt Muriel have gone through their turns, it’s time. You take the shiny box in your hands, tear the metallic blue paper off, rip open the box … and it’s a pair of long johns.
Take that feeling, add a yawn or two, and that sums up my reaction to watching RENAISSANCE, now out on DVD. Not since the high-tech pieces of crap the Wachowski brothers foisted off on viewers under the guise of MATRIX sequels has there been so much effort put into making garbage look good. Maybe it works better in French (there are a lot of things that do, after all), but after watching 90 minutes of this future noir, I wanted my money back, and I got to watch this thing for free. If you don’t get paid to watch this movie, avoid it.
Based on the wacky book by Patrick Süskind and directed by Tom Tykwer (RUN LOLA, RUN), PERFUME tells the story of a smell-less child born to and abandoned by a fish monger on the slimy streets of 18th Century Paris. Now, when I say smell-less, I don’t mean the kid can’t smell, I mean his body doesn’t emit any sort of odor whatsoever. Perhaps this is where the saying “so he thinks his shit don’t stink” comes from.
With more of a Grimm Fairytale feel than a serious drama/horror movie, Perfume takes us on a twisted ride through the oddly named Jean-Baptiste Grenouille’s* life struggles as he strives to survive and eventually discovers his true calling – as a perfumer.
Left for dead by his mum, JBG is spirited off to a lovely and benevolent orphanage a la Dickens where the children immediately attempt to smother this weird little thing.
Oh, how I have been looking forward to tonight! Ever since I developed my FOOTBALLERS WIVES addiction, Wednesday can’t come quickly enough.
Tonight I planned well. In preparation for some serious TV, I had a nice dinner and drank a bottle of something pink and fizzy, to get into the mood. I even had some chocolate cookies for dessert. So, you can imagine how disappointed I was to get a stupid Roger episode!
I thought we were done with Roger, the prissy team manager, who went blind trying to save Bruno and Lucy from Amber. I was wrong. Tonight, his lovely, normal-seeming wife, Jackie, is almost raped by the ex-glam rocker chairman of Earls Park, Garry. I can’t stand rape scenes (the one in SHOWGIRLS ruined it for me), even when they are on shows as gratuitously trashy as FOOTBALLERS WIVES. I think it is because the women on this show are oddly empowered. It is not called FOOTBALLERS, and for a very good reason. The women are what matter.
In this installment of TOP CHEF, we got to see past and present cheftestants squirm in their seats after being forced to relive some of their wilder, funnier and more juvenile on-camera moments.
Normally, I’m not the type that enjoys a reunion. If I get the urge to see old friends or family members, I’ll just pull out the old scrapbook from underneath my bed. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t love watching somebody else’s, especially a reunion of reality TV contestants. It’s entertaining to see how they feel about their experience after they’ve had the luxury of some perspective. Considering the fireworks that have exploded in the TOP CHEF kitchen over the past three seasons, it’s funny to see the chefs try to explain their behavior. Or, at least I thought it would be. Unfortunately, this one didn’t quite deliver.
The show started off with a question and answer session, which — for my money — fell flatter than a crêpe suzette. I don’t find questions from viewers such as, “Did it take the judges very long to decide which chef was going to be kicked off that week?” to be riveting TV. I was, however, very happy to see my favorite TOP CHEF title holder, first season winner, Harold, back. And, can we talk about Lee Anne? She doesn’t even look like the same person. It was also nice to see Micah get grilled about her “Americans love their ketchup” comment. We also learned that because Lee Anne is now a TOP CHEF culinary producer, we can thank her for a lot of this season’s challenges.