By Michelle Lerner

Oh, how I have been looking forward to tonight! Ever since I developed my FOOTBALLERS WIVES addiction, Wednesday can’t come quickly enough.

Tonight I planned well. In preparation for some serious TV, I had a nice dinner and drank a bottle of something pink and fizzy, to get into the mood. I even had some chocolate cookies for dessert. So, you can imagine how disappointed I was to get a stupid Roger episode!

I thought we were done with Roger, the prissy team manager, who went blind trying to save Bruno and Lucy from Amber. I was wrong. Tonight, his lovely, normal-seeming wife, Jackie, is almost raped by the ex-glam rocker chairman of Earls Park, Garry. I can’t stand rape scenes (the one in SHOWGIRLS ruined it for me), even when they are on shows as gratuitously trashy as FOOTBALLERS WIVES. I think it is because the women on this show are oddly empowered. It is not called FOOTBALLERS, and for a very good reason. The women are what matter.

Jackie’s almost-rape was one of the stranger scenes, perhaps in the history of television. This is because Garry insists that he and Jackie both don donkey masks and gives Jackie a ride around the room before attempting to mount her. I was relieved that she had the wherewithal to kick Garry in the balls and get away.

But, Garry gets his. At the very end of the show, Garry does Roger in by enticing him into an elevator, where there is none. The whole episode leads to Roger’s death, which, like Roger, is supremely boring. I found myself falling asleep! And, if I said I would miss Roger, I would be lying. I do feel bad for Jackie. She is OK.

The B story concerned Trisha’s fake cancer, and Shannon’s clever exposure of it — in the press, no less. I was over this story line last week. Callum is not good enough for Shannon, pure and simple. That girl is like the proverbial hooker with a heart of gold, with good street sense to boot. She’s wasting her time with the pale mama’s boy with the silly haircut who likes to get drunk and pick fights.

There were SOME redeeming moments in tonight’s episode. There was a scene with Liberty in just her bra and some jeans, which, understandably, led to her getting back together with Tre. Whew! I could have used more Liberty. She is my favorite character of all time. Even her drug problem is overwrought! The dramatic bloody nose was too good. Well done, Liberty!

There was also an awesome scene towards the end. Paulo catches Callum making a pass at Tanya, at the housewarming party Tanya is throwing for herself. If there was ever a woman who could take care of herself, it’s Tanya. But, as Paulo declared tonight, he is indeed a man, and he must not be disrespected, especially in his own house. So, after separating the drunk Callum from Tanya, who was innocent for a change, Paulo goes absolutely nuts. He trashes the Brazilian-themed satin banners festooning the house, and knocks down all the vases. He then grabs a vase and goes mental on a Porsche.  I think it’s supposed to be Callum’s, but that is never made clear.

At the end of the show, in front of Tanya — and a crowd of people — he smashes a taillight, tries to cut himself, and after Tre takes his cutting toy away, screams, “Mommy! Send Marcelo to his room! MOMMY! MOMMY! SEND MARCELO TO HIS ROOM!” at Tanya.

Tanya’s astonished face is almost as priceless as Paulo screaming “Mommy” at her. I think she was more shocked that someone was calling her “Mommy” (lest we forget the fate of her doomed baby during last season) than that her man is clearly bonkers. I am sure in the back of her mind, she was thinking that she must call Eva de Wolffe ASAP.

Next week is the series finale. I am willing to forgive this as a transitional episode, but I expect very big things to happen next week!