By Brandon Nolta

Imagine that it’s Christmas morning. You’ve opened every present except one — the coolest one under the tree. It’s the perfect size for that gadget or knickknack you’ve always wanted, wrapped in the shiniest, slickest wrapping paper there ever was, and topped with a grand bow so gaudy it ought to have a mirror ball stapled to it. You can’t wait to open it once you lay eyes on it. Finally, after your bratty siblings and Aunt Muriel have gone through their turns, it’s time. You take the shiny box in your hands, tear the metallic blue paper off, rip open the box … and it’s a pair of long johns.

Take that feeling, add a yawn or two, and that sums up my reaction to watching RENAISSANCE, now out on DVD. Not since the high-tech pieces of crap the Wachowski brothers foisted off on viewers under the guise of MATRIX sequels has there been so much effort put into making garbage look good. Maybe it works better in French (there are a lot of things that do, after all), but after watching 90 minutes of this future noir, I wanted my money back, and I got to watch this thing for free. If you don’t get paid to watch this movie, avoid it.

I suppose I should give you a little more information about this stinker. Dateline: Paris, 2054. A megalithic corporation called Avalon has its fingers in virtually every aspect of normal life, and one of their most promising researchers, Ilona Tasuiev (Romola Garai), has been kidnapped. Her older sister, Bislane (Catherine McCormack), whose contacts involved in her sister’s life don’t yield much info, calls in the cops, and ends up working with (and falling for) the dashingly taciturn Captain Karas (Daniel Craig). Karas digs into Ilona’s work, investigating Ilona’s shifty supervisor, Dr. Muller (Ian Holm), and the requisite corporate baddie, Avalon CEO Paul Dellenbach (Jonathan Pryce). What was Ilona investigating? What’s the meaning of the photo album that Ilona asked a bartender to steal? Who the hell is that ugly little dwarf that Karas keeps seeing in the shadows? So many questions.

They do get answered — eventually. Although, the ending is exactly the downer you’d expect from a French film noir. Actually, the ending is very well done and appropriate to the story; it’s just that the story leading up to it (except for one nice twist that sets up the ending) is a textbook example of stereotypical dialogue and poor writing. There is no cliché that the four credited writers miss, and the voice actors — despite a stellar collection of British talent — don’t help much. I’ve heard flatter line readings, but not by much. You’d never know how good an actor Daniel Craig is from this turkey, to name one flaw. Holm and Pryce must have needed a paycheck.

The only real reason to see RENAISSANCE, other than a masochistic desire to hurt yourself, is the animation. To put it bluntly, the visuals are stunning; a black-and-white mélange of rotoscoping (done a hell of a lot better than Ralph Bakshi managed in 1978 for his hideous LORD OF THE RINGS debacle), motion capture and computer animation that approaches the uncanny valley in how it portrays human movement and expression.

Some of the architectural and mechanical designs (famed car maker Citröen consulted on the car designs) approach beauty by themselves, and with the clean lines and hyper-accurate details of the animation, a strong argument can be made that RENAISSANCE, for all its narrative flaws, is modern art. That doesn’t mean you should pick up the DVD and see it; the artistic value is far outweighed by the burden of trying to watch the damn thing. Still, for people whose whole raison d’etre is visual beauty, RENAISSANCE offers a few small pleasures. If you do see it, turn off the sound and enhance your experience.