By Matthew Wood


Nothing separates the jocks from the dorks more than intramural sports. Our boy Rusty the pledge knows that better than anyone, and that’s why he’s so determined to become one of the former and make his Kappa Tau boys proud at the upcoming floor hockey tournament.

And, wouldn’t you know it, Rusty gets the call at the end of the semifinal game, takes the puck the length of the court, and … scores for the wrong team.
Such is life for the honors engineering major, who was riding high on his beer pong win for the Kappas just a few weeks back and really wants to relive his previous glory. So he uses his physics background to think his way to athletic prowess – and we all know how that works out.

But his game is bigger than Rusty. It’s the Kappas vs. the Omegas. It’s Cappie vs. Evan. And that means pulling out all the stops, which the Zetas (as the Omega cheer sorority house or whatever) plan to do. Rusty’s sister Casey hatches a plan to undermine the Kappas – and that pledge bitch Rebecca Logan – by getting them wasted the night before the big game.

Of course the Kappas, like all good party houses, are well versed in playing on a hangover. And let me interject some personal history in here. I don’t want to brag, but I played my best intramural softball on a raging hangover. There’s just something about getting that extra adrenaline going … and not puking. Definitely not puking.

So it is for the Kappas, who stay in the game before mounting a huge comeback to (of course) set up Rusty to score the game-tying goal. And the kid comes through in the clutch again, tying the game at 3-3 just as the buzzer sounds. Unfortunately, he loses his shorts in the ensuing celebration – exposing a lack of a jock strap, which is apparently a penalty so severe it causes the Kappas to lose the game.

But never mind that. Everyone goes to the bar for drinks. Casey makes out with Evan (that rat bastard) who gloats over his win, until Rusty reminds him it took a wardrobe malfunction to get them the win.

Oh, and Calvin tells Rusty he’s gay after his legacy father comes back to coach the house hockey team. Oh, and he was an all-state hockey player. Oh, and someone makes a queer joke to him without knowing.

I say it that way because that’s kind of the way they use the Calvin in all the episodes so far. Kinda like they wanted to have a black kid in the main story but didn’t know how to write for black people, so they made him gay. So everything’s kind of a revelation with him, only it’s not revealed very well. And really, I couldn’t care less about the whole plot thread.

But I had so much fun rooting for the Kappas, I’ll let that slide. It’s kind of scary how much this house reminds me of my fraternity days, only I’m not really sure that’s such a good thing. But at least we were able to keep our jocks on until after the game.