By Brandon Nolta

Graduating from college, New Year’s Eve, the season finale of FOOTBALLERS WIVES; there are some things that are never going to live up to your high expectations.

FOOTBALLERS WIVES set the bar of what was possible on a trashy soap opera so high at the beginning of the season, that in order to out do itself, it had no choice but to under whelm. Tonight’s finale was more sordid then campy, more trash then fun.

The closest the episode got to being fun was Liberty’s ridiculous racist cannibal ad. It was a bad version of the whiskey ad in LOST IN TRANSLATION, complete with a bad Japanese translator. Otherwise, I just felt bad for everyone. And pity is not fun at all.

Firstly, did I miss Lucy and Tre sleeping together? When the hell did that happen? I am sure I saw every episode this season. And I am also sure I would remember those two getting it on. But Tre has spent the past eight weeks tripping in Liberty’s wake, trying to keep hold of his woman. The only scene I remember of Tre and Lucy alone together in, was when she fit him for those wedding trousers. Can a girl get preggers by touching a guy’s thigh, through the pants he is going to wear at his own wedding (to another girl?) Sounds plausible, I guess.

The next bone I have to pick is with stupid nineteen-year-old Callum. Listen here, boy. You are never going to have a girl as good and sweet, and as curvaceous, as Shannon ever again.  And no one will dress as wonderfully for you. Shannon’s outfit was by far the best of the lot tonight. The thigh-high latex Dior boots, paired with the booty cut sequin shorts were the kicker. Well done. I think I saw the same look in Vogue, recently.

So Callum, stop treating her like crap! I wanted to take poor Shan by the shoulders and shake her. She doesn’t need his stupid insecure crap. Good on her for having a little gropey dance with Lindsay Lohan’s ex, Callum Best. I love when crazy fictional worlds collide with reality, and he’s way cuter then footballer Callum.

I am so relieved that Roger is dead and Jackie is gone. Roger was so boring. Jackie is lovely, and sensible, and stood by her man through thick and thin. She has no business on this show!

Now Tanya Turner is a whole other matter. She is good T.V. I was happy to see she was going to lock horns with the disgusting Garry. I knew she’d kick him around. She’s no pushover like Jackie. But, then, when the rug was pulled out from under her, and her estate was frozen, due to those silly corruption charges against her dead husband, well, I had a bad feeling. How could I not?

So hat in hand, she had to go back to the goat, Garry, and sell her shares, and put out. Ugh. Then Garry pulled his bitchy little trick with the stock. Low blow, mate. Tanya is way too smart to fall for something like that. But fall she did, to my chagrin. I want Tanya to be as rich and powerful as possible. It’s not like she’ll hit a plateau, and stop conniving. She can’t help herself.

Anyway, when she went to meet Garry at his “convivial” club, to get her revenge, by blackmailing him with the tape that Jackie gave her, implicating Garry in Roger’s death, like Han Solo, I had another very bad feeling. Garry’s club is hardly neutral territory. The second I saw the cocaine, I thought “there’s gonna be rat poison.” I even said it out loud. And lo! There was! But I won’t get to see what happened until next year!

However will I spend my Wednesdays until then? My boyfriend suggested a book, but after a summer of FOOTBALLERS WIVES, I’m not sure I know how to read anymore. I’ll miss you girls! Bye, darlings! See ya next year!