By Buzz Byrne

KA-BOOM!

America directed its’ player to blow up the game and the little weasel did it. Good for you, Eric. I wish Jessica did show you her fake rack as a sort of thank you for a job well done!

Dustin volunteered to go up on the block against Evel Dick out of pure hubris and Dustin got his bags packed and thrown right out of the house. If you’ll excuse me, I have to take a little break to do a celebratory dance…(Buzz dances…) Okay! So how did we get here?

"Evel" Dick took full command of his fate when Jessica nominated him and his daughter Daniele. He decided to make Dustin and Jameka and Amber hate him so much they would have no choice but to evict him and thereby keep his daughter safe. In one of the fiercest Power of Veto competitions ever, Evel Dick out croquet-ed Dustin in dramatic fashion, winning on the very last ball, scoring the highest he could and winning by one. He used the veto to take Daniele off the block and with one well placed rumor by my girl Jen, HOH Jessica panicked and took Dustin up on his offer to face off against the Evel One.

Sensing the moment to control the game, America directed her player, Eric, to go after Dustin. Ah sweet justice. Dustin has taken an unappealing glee in calling people “Bitch” after they are evicted. Well this week the strongest nation on Earth made you her bitch, Bitch!

Dustin explained that he wanted to face off against Dick so he could say he, Dustin, was the courtesy flush before the house finally expelled the pile of feces known as Evel Dick. When it came time for this moment tonight Dustin wimped right out and didn’t go with that speech. Too bad, it would have made it all that much sweeter.


Nonetheless, the live votes were cast and the only bad play Eric made was tipping his hand that he had pulled off Dustin’s eviction before all the votes were in. He doesn’t work well under pressure or when he thinks Jessica is taking her top off. America’s player is not quick on his feet and he may not have gone through puberty completely. In the middle of the live votes, Jessica had to do a one-on-one interview with Julie Chen and her enormous hair. Julie and the hair asked if Jessica had any romantic feelings towards America’s player. Unfortunately, she likes our player as a friend. I can’t blame her but that doesn’t mean I’m not writing a letter to Dick Cheney to see if he can explore military options to correct this policy decision.

When the vote was handed down, Dustin was floored. Jameka felt the sting that comes when you know your God has truly forsaken you. Amber said nothing but her eyes screamed, “ZOLOFT NOW!!!” And Dustin was off to be the first member of the jury. He handed Julie and her hair cliché after cliché about his ouster but right at the end he had an “Amber” moment. His voice quivered, his calm demeanor cracked and he realized he had been outplayed. It was almost sad.

I don’t hate Dustin. Really. I do like Daniele as a player and I enjoy Evel Dick playing mean and smart. So I had to root against Dustin and it proved to be easy. He showed a true selfish streak a few weeks ago in the Art Gallery Veto competition and his smug  control of the game is never a good trait in any player. It wasn’t when Dick was HOH and it wasn’t when Dustin felt he was in command. On the plus side, early in the game I was able to crank out about twenty or thirty paragraphs focusing on gonorrhea thanks to Dustin. So there’s that.

When Julie and her hair finished with the questions, she had Dustin take a look at the goodbye videos from the remaining houseguests. I only bring this up because my Jenius started hers, “Hey Dustin…It’s Jen.” My delightful dummy was a little shaky on the concept of video apparently. God above, am I smitten with that brain dead kitten.

The HOH competition involved a “little person,” a Johnny Depp impostor on stilts, a barber shop quartet and bunnies. I had to double check that I wasn’t still working on David Lynch’s INLAND EMPIRE. I knew I wasn’t because there was actual light on this set.


After the new HOH was crowned Julie and her wicked hair (I believe the hair is a physical manifestation of her Id and tells her to do wicked, wicked things like date Les Moonves and listen in on the houseguest), they struck one last time. Still reeling from her future in the game being blown to smithereens and before the Parnate kicked in, Amber was asked what it felt like to have her best friend evicted.

And then Amber cried…(Buzz dances again…) This was really mean. As she started to get into her feelings, Julie cut in with a, “Thanks Amber! So with a new head of household,” Blah blah blah. They clearly went back to Amber and asked her that just to make her cry.

I. Love. This. Stupid. Show. (Buzz dances again and again.)