By Matthew Wood

Tonight marks another rite of passage in the PG-13 world of Cypress-Rhodes students: Casey’s getting lavaliered!

Yes, her D-bag boyfriend Evan finally took the next step and gave her his Omega Chi letters as a show of commitment and his love for her. It was a touching ceremony, as the Zeta sisters did a little passing of the candle thing and the Omega boys serenaded outside the house.

My, how times have changed. When I was a brother, we celebrated a lavaliering by taking the poor bastard out back, tying him to a tree and pouring condiments all over him while the rest of us threw cans of Beast Lite at each other.
But that was the real world, and not the fantasy land of the Omegas and Zetas. Ahh, what a world it is, with everyone planning for their future and such.

Personally, I would much rather live in the world of Cappie and the Kappa Taus, where you live for today and assume everything will work out. Unfortunately, so does Casey – and  Cappie does his best to capitalize on the situation by arranging to be her partner for an upcoming mid-term paper.

You know that somewhere down the line Cappie spent a year or three as a psychology major. He definitely knows the ladies, and how to push their buttons. And it actually works, as he gets some serious make-out action before Casey comes to her senses and goes back to Evan.

Oh Casey, you’ll never learn. But at least you can teach little bro Rusty how to play the system – even if it means not actually learning the answers. So the impressionable lad takes the easy route and cheats on the big test.


Normally, I would wholeheartedly give the kid a pat on the back for learning how to cheat and be done with it. But Rusty has to find his morals and actually learn all the material after the test. Whatever, kid. Why must you continually make us all look bad -- with your “studying for exams” and “waiting for the right girl to have sex” and all?

Of course, Rusty’s in the honors physics program and I had four different majors in my first two years in school. But that’s neither here nor there.


So Casey takes the sure thing (Evan) and Rusty takes the high road … well, he still cheated, but at least he did learn everything. As for Cappie – well, he didn’t get his girl (yet). But he led the Kappa boys to another semester of not flunking out. And in his little world, that’s about the biggest accomplishment you can achieve.