By Curt Schleier

Life offers many gifts.  Sadly, THE ULTIMATE GIFT isn’t one of them.  Bring it back to the returns department.

According to THE ULTIMATE GIFT, the most important things anyone can possess are love, family, friendship and an appreciation for hard work.  Not to minimize the value of all that, but I truly have THE ULTIMATE GIFT for you, something not even hinted at in the film: time. I will save you two hours of your life.  That may not mean much now, but ignore my advice and lying on your death bed, gasping for just a few extra moments, you will say: “I should have heeded that wise man and not bothered to rent the dumb movie.” But then it’s too late.  So listen to me now.  It’s not just that THE ULTIMATE GIFT has a cliché for a story line and matchstick thin characters.  Lots of movies have that.  It’s that THE ULTIMATE GIFT doesn’t even make an effort.  It’s a stupid film that insults your intelligence and won’t stand up to the scrutiny of a five-year old.

Then to add insult to intellectual injury, the producers use one of the DVD’s features to sell THE ULTIMATE GIFT gift set.  How mercenary can you get? THE ULTIMATE GIFT is a product of Fox Faith. That’s a new faith-based production company formed in the aftermath of The Passion of the Christ largely in the correct belief that Evangelicals go to movies and the incorrect if-you-build-it-they-will-come belief that all you have to do is mention Jesus and say you’re against abortion and you have a winning film.

Red Stevens (James Garner) dies and the family that hates him gathers for the reading of the will.  Stevens seems like a pretty decent guy.  He was honest, gave money to charity and it’s never clear why his relatives dislike him with such passion.  In attendance, too, is his grandson, Jason (Drew Fuller). We know Jason is going to be all right, because he is the only one who isn’t uptight.  Jason and Red don’t get along.  It has something to do with the death of Jason’s father that’s never satisfactorially explained.


Red leaves behind a series of taped messages, each assigning a specific task Jason must complete if he is going to get his inheritance—and each providing him with a gift.  I could provide a long list of what’s wrong with this movie, but that would be wasting both of our ULTIMATE GIFTs.  Suffice it to say, that Jason’s shallow girl friend leaves him the moment she finds out he didn’t inherit anything.  But – and this is a miracle of good timing – Jason meets young Emily (Abigail Breslin, who I am convinced is a midget) and her very attractive mother, Alexia (Ali Hills).

Although the filmmakers don’t quite put it this way, Alexia was a slut.  Emily is the product of an affair with a fellow high school student.  But she redeemed herself by keeping the child rather than partaking of another alternative.  And even though her daughter has leukemia and they have no pot to urinate in, this was the right decision.


Just to get every possible tear out of the audience, Emily doesn’t make it.  And if that’s not enough, you also have to sit through platitudes like: “When I achieved my dreams it was like going home to a place I’d never been before.”

For the record, the film is based on a book of the same name, so the way I figure it, I’ve probably saved you closer to six or seven hours.  You can thank me later.