By Buzz Byrne
So it’s the Donatos.
I did what I could but it didn’t matter. It is those two in “The Final Two.” And tonight I had to sit and watch these two knuckleheads reminisce about the highs and lows of the whole summer. They got to bounce off each other how smart and clever and superior they are to rest of the dismissed houseguests.
We got to see Amber cry. And Jameka cry. And Daniele cry. And Jen cry. And Dustin and Eric cry (on the inside). They were all crying because of something Dick said to them at one time or another. Picking apart the morality and intellect of twenty-something reality show contestants is neither profound nor jocund when handled by a bitter old fart, desperately, and with no self-awareness, clinging to his wasted youth. It is in fact rather sad. It is about as sad as watching the “Just For Men” black dye drip from the painfully inappropriate soul patch during his second to last battle with Zach.
We got to revisit the “Showmances.” The first, between Nick and Daniele, where Nick tried repeatedly to give her the key to his heart. He said to her no less than 17 times, “Put your hand oooooot.” That’s “out” to most people who speak English but this was Nick and Nick is HOT so who cares if he sounds like a Fargo hillbilly. And the second showmance between Jessica and (shudder) Eric. It wasn’t Eric’s rodent-like features that bothered me so much, nor was it his wildly bad decision to get the two - TWO - nipple rings, nor was it his profoundly unfunny tee shirts (the one that said, “Never Forget” and had a picture of a dinosaur was particularly irksome- that phrase is commonly associated with POWs, 9-11 and the Holocaust, so of course some smarmy little weasel should make a joke out of it. The offensive part isn’t that it’s a joke made, but that it is a bad one). No, it turns out Eric’s voice is what truly led me to despise him. Whining, cracking…that voice is the cure for confidence. And he’s a Jets fan. Egads. Good luck in Kansas. Jessica is from there and she thought you didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving because you are Jewish. And Jessica might be the smartest person from Kansas. Ever.
We know the highlights from the season and yet we had to be beaten about the face and head with them instead of seeing something we haven’t before. Do you think there might have been one or two storylines not fleshed out along the way? If you are going to have a second to the last show be nothing but filler, why not have some of it be something that was amusing but not particularly germane? I mean, CBS, you filmed these people around the clock! I know they are vapid, empty-headed narcissus but something must have been somewhat more interesting than watching Zach streak for the four hundredth time.
My last hope, for just the slightest bit of comeuppance is that Dick takes the top prize and not Daniele. I actually have a reason for this but I have got to save something for the season finale on Tuesday. I see the finish line, people, and I am in a dead sprint.