By Michelle Lerner

In a world where celebrities are so vetted by their handlers and publicists that they all look the same, we all love to see a little show of star madness. Britney Spears demonstrated that in spades. And Tyra Banks never fails to impress. The more successful she and her two shows, AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL and THE TYRA BANKS SHOW, get, the more completely bizarre vain things she does. Her entrance in the ninth season premiere of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL does not disappoint. The thirty-three semi-finalists are gathered at breakfast on the cruise ship the episode takes place on. All of the sudden figures appear behind a screen. Curtains up! Light the lights! It’s Tyra sing-speaking her way through a cruise ship song and dance routine, surrounded by a pack of shirtless hunks. Tyra herself is resplendent in a Vegas style feathered headdress, and some sort of corset and heels outfit. It is an awesome display of lack of talent, and pure conceit. Who thought this was a good idea? But Tyra ate it up. I loved every minute of it. AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL is probably one of the most ridiculous shows of all time. Like Tyra, it takes itself very seriously and not seriously at all.

The season premiere of TOP MODEL is always a little hard to watch since everyone kind of blends together and you don’t know who to root for yet. You don’t want to get too attached because most of them are going home tonight anyway. I always end up rooting for a girl who ends up going home before the season really starts. In tonight’s episode it was Malvita, the hard knock case from Alaska. Each of the girls is called in for an audience with Tyra, Miss J, and Jay Alexander. It’s truly wonderful that Tyra has created such idols as these two, especially Miss J., for legions of American girls. Corn fed girls from Iowa worship at his/her feet; a close to seven foot black drag queen! It’s awesome.


The hard part is always watching Tyra depose the witless young girls as they bounce into the room, trying to make an impression for dear life. Nothing gets past Tyra, or her producers, and as Malvita stands in front of her, Tyra sweetly asks “Tell me about all the rough things you’ve been through.” This is not a request, it’s a command. If you are going to make it on AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, a modeling competition, you are going to have to lay bare your soul and all your secrets. Malvita talks of being homeless, and passed around from relative to relative. She reveals that she has been molested and raped.

“How do you have the strength to stand here, right now?” Tyra asks, somewhat ridiculously. Malvita points gravely to the sky. All that, and the poor thing gets sent home. She took it pretty well actually. She didn’t collapse into a puddle or anything like that.

The other big revelation at panel tonight involved Heather, who revealed that she has Aspergers Syndrome, which is a mild form of autism. One of its main symptoms is awkward social interactions. She actually made it into the house. Not to be cynical, but I’m sure the producers thought she would make great T.V. Same with Ebony of the false bravado. I know these girls all watch the show- some of the are smart enough to even do a little research about designers and photographers- but when is the “mean” girl going to realize we can all see through her? Then again, they usually make it on. Their archetype is Melrose, of season 7, who almost made it through to the end. But usually the mean ones are the first to crumble at the sight of Tyra. I like watching Ebony. She talks kind of like Kristen Wiig in that skit on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE where she one-ups everyone.


There wasn’t much competition in tonight’s episode. The season premiere functions as more of a meet and greet then anything else. There was the usual bickering over whose hair weave was the most expensive (Ebonys, duh,) who had the most obvious eating disorder (unclear, Ebony brought it up,) and the usual sick out (the Yalie, whose name I don’t know yet, but who suffered from some seasickness and made it into the house.) There was a girl named Spontanious. When Miss J. critiqued her walk I thought he was joking, but no that’s really her name. Sublime. The cruise ship was a fancy piece of product placement, and Tyra’s assertion that it was actually a learning experience was a fancy piece of justification. Apparently once you become a TOP MODEL, you have to go to the Caribbean a lot in the winter because it’s cold in Paris and New York. Of course! The next few weeks promise to bring it on, however. I can’t wait for the tears of the makeover!