By Susan Lee

More like, Resident Evil: Ex-stink-tion

Okay, I do have to admit to y’all – why on earth should I have expected anything from a guy who directed a Duran Duran video?  My bad.  Sorry.

Upon viewing this pathetically apocalyptic paean to about a half dozen filmic genres, I feel obligated to paraphrase Brian the Dog from FAMILY GUY: “We’re driving, we’re driving, nothing’s happening… Something about a cure…  We’re driving, we’re driving, nothing’s happening….  We’re driving, there’s a fight with zombies with a lot of fake blood… The movie’s over, the audience looks really pissed off.”

Following the debacle in Detroit (RESIDENT EVIL 2), Alice (Milla Jovovich) has gone all ROAD WARRIOR and Spaghetti Western on an iron hog in a US of A turned into one vast desert by the T virus which apparently not only turns peeps into annoying zombies, but also affects the water, atmosphere and plant life (quite convenient).

Alice eventually stumbles across a band of survivors led by a Linda Hamilton (a la TERMINATOR 2) wannabe and they all decide to head for Alaska, because there’s a rumour the virus hasn’t reached that far … yet.  The band needs to reequip and refuel  and the only logical destination is a Las Vegas violently reclaimed by the desert.

Meanwhile, back at Umbrella Corporation’s US HQ at the earth’s core, evil Dr. Isaacs is activating clone after clone of Alice just to slice and dice her in his quest to develop a zombie cure … or so he claims.

This movie is another example of a major “couldabeen”.  All the elements have been in place for years.  Evil corporation with world domination machinations?  Check.  Innocent citizens in need of rescue/salvation?  Check.  Stinkie-gooie zombies spooing bile, chewing yards of intestines and primed for explosive annihilation?  Check.  Sexy, hot, dangerous babe packing heat, blades and killer kicks?  Check, check and double-check.


So what could possibly go wrong, one might ask? 

Please refer to paragraph one for details.

There are tons of cool aerial shots of the survivors’ convoy transversing the desert with dramatically imperative background music, but the reality is that most of the movie is filler.  There are exactly two cool fight sequences where Milla get’s to kick some serious buttocks and all the rest is frankly, not interesting in the least.

The subplot of the Doctor trying to “domesticate” the zombies with a serum derived from Alice’s clones’ watered down blood sounded pretty cool, but that winds up going nowhere and just devolves into an excuse for the deranged dude to go all H.P. LOVECRAFT "FROM BEYOND" monstrosity on us.  Yes, there is a final showdown between HE and SHE, but by the time the movie gets there you’ve either fallen asleep or found something more interesting to read in the theatre’s toilet stall.

Iain Glen as the Dr. is horribly underutilized and the writing for his character is appalling.  He’s a pathetic patsy for the finale and trotted out as an egomaniacal moron that causes even the most dimwitted viewer to point and say to their companion “he’s gonna get effed in the aaaaayyyyy.”

The last time Milla was truly having a great time was in THE FIFTH ELEMENT (with Bruce Willis).  She was able to explore pretty much every aspect of her talents: physical, acting, linguistics, silliness.  In RE:E she appears to be straining to have a good time.  It is only in her two big fights (the opening blood-puppies and the souped-up zombies in Vegas) does she truly come alive.  Her eyes flash fire, woe betide any baddie who crosses her path and Ray Park would be proud of her knife skills.

Unfortunately, as I said, there are only TWO cool action sequences.  Did no one learn anything from RE2?  That movie was nothing but wall to wall action.  This RE was like MATRIX 2 – one big excuse for one great scene.  Oh, and by the way, don’t believe the advertising which makes the movie look like a lot of it takes place in a radically abbreviated Vegas*.  It don’t.  In their bid to capture the original Alice, Umbrella corp drops a clown-car container filled with ǖber-zombies on The Strip and a very cool action sequence ensues. 


Yep, that’s it.  All the fighting takes place on the sand-covered street.  No creative broken-down interior casino scenes.  No battles on cracked baccarat tables.  No zombies thrown into the abandoned shark tank at Mandalay Bay.  Nuthin’!

Again, we have an ending that leaves room for a sequel, but if another RE is made, the filmmakers need to remember what makes this franchise work.  It’s spelled  M I L L A.  When she’s on the screen, the films sing.  When she isn’t, they stink. 

Hey, Luc Besson may be a total dork, but at least he got it right in the past – it’s all about Milla’s eyes.

P.S.  I forgot to mention that the zombie ravens was a super cool idea, just not executed all that well.

P.P.S.  In case this review doesn’t convince you to not see this film, you must ask yourself this question:  Would Romero’s zombies have been so totally retarded that they couldn’t figure out how to tear down a simple chainlink fence?  Yes, this is actually pertinent to your perception of the film as whole.

* Where's the Bellagio?  Where's the Sahara?  The Strip appears to be about 2 blocks long in the movie!