By Buzz Byrne

I know SURVIVOR can get monotonous. I know the ratings are down. But I can’t help but be enthralled by a mullet wearing lunch lady from New Hampshire, stripped down to her undies, trying desperately to throw an Asian American jewelry maker into swamp water to win a blanket and a lantern. I would call my tastes, “Exotic.”

The strategizing and boneheaded game-play starts right at the top of this episode. Zhan Hu tribe leader Dave, having barely escaped the previous night’s Tribal Council, woke up early to annoy his tribe mates. He nearly popped a blood vessel when his chief lieutenant and nagger Peih-Gee told him to take it easy and relax so he would be rested for the next challenge.

Meanwhile at Fei Long, Jean-Robert was trying to keep warm at night by being the creepy meat in a Courtney and Amanda sandwich. I don’t know why they bristled at the clinging and rubbing of a swarthy, flabby poker player, but evidently these chicks don’t know what a man looks like these days. This is it honeys, might as well give over to the sexual harassment and night farts.


Speaking of sexual assault, tonight’s reward challenge got interesting. It was basically who could throw who into the water bestest. Men faced men and women faced women. In the first men’s heat, Dave decided to do this wrestling challenge naked. I guess he figured this would make it tougher for the other guys to tackle him because he would get his “Areas” all over his opponents. Fei Long leader Aaron took Dave on first. They hovered around each other, then BAM! They were on each other in an instant. And Dave’s testicles wound up all on Aaron’s head.

I don’t think I could add much to that to make it funnier.

Dave and his testicles, well, their team won. Finally. They kidnapped Leslie and got lots of blankets and a tarp. Leslie gave the Zhan Hu tribe all the dirt on her tribe. Christian spirit of generosity I guess. Maybe the spirit moved her. Maybe she’s just a great big dummy.

Still reeling from losing the reward challenge to Dave and his “boys,” Fei Long went on to lose the immunity challenge as well, thanks in large part to seventy pound doofus Courtney who could barely heft a machete in a chopping competition. Bad play, bad planning and off to Tribal Council they went for the first time.


Courtney, creepy-Robert and Leslie were all discussed as targets. In the end the tribe kept Jean-Reptile and feeble Courtney. Leslie was sent packing. I guess the cherry on top of this dessert was the hoity lecture Jeff Propst delivered after the torch snuffing. Basically he asks the tribe what’s wrong and ten minutes later parrots what they said back to them as a little scolding.

I enjoy this to such a degree that I may seek professional help.