By Curt Schleier

Ladies Home Journal runs a monthly column called “Can This Marriage Be Saved.”  That’s where the three-and-a-half-couples who are at the center of HBO’s TELL ME YOU LOVE ME belong, a brief magazine column, not a ten-episode TV series that drags on and on and on.  A few minutes examining what goes on here and you’ll quickly hit the remote for DESPERATE HOUSEWIFES, where the dysfunctional relationships are at least seasoned with a sense of humor.

Consider the therapist the other people consult on what seems an irregular basis.  And by on “an irregular basis,” I mean when it fits the plot.  Dr. May Foster (Jane Alexander) has problems of her own.  She apparently strayed in her own marriage – twice.  Now her husband Arthur (David Selby) arranges a lunch for her with her former paramour. Presumably he wants to be sure she’s over him.  Or he wants her to be sure she’s over him.  Or he just wants to drive me crazy.  I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet; maybe that will happen next week. 

Then there’s Dave (Tim DeKay) and Katie (Ally Walker), who haven’t had sex in over a year.  Dave unexpectedly shows up at Katie’s therapy session.  So Dr. Foster suggests they discuss the elephant in the room. But there really is no discussion.  She says their problem is quite common, and those who suffer from it say it is most often caused by a lack of time. 


This goes to show you how wrong I’ve been all my life. I always thought that the idea of couples therapy is to get the couples to discuss what is wrong, not to have the therapist impose a problem based upon what other people say is the problem.  Stupid me.

Foster’s solution: that they put a lock on the bedroom door – though neither time nor privacy is an issue.  Dave and Katie are skeptical, but he does it nonetheless. That evening, Katie falls asleep in front of the TV.  Rather than wake her. Dave goes into the bedroom and locks the door to keep her out.  This way he can masturbate in peace.  I know he’s masturbating because of the funny faces he makes into the camera.  So the lock turned out to at least some purpose.  Thank you very much Dr. Foster.

Still, later that night, it seems as though they are finally going to have sex.  But they stop in the middle.  “Why is it s hard,” Katie asks, when what she should be wondering is why is it so soft?

Palek (Adam Scott) and Carolyn (Sonya Walger), the couple unable to conceive, have his seed implanted in her body. The doctor is optimistic, and Carolyn starts to feel changes almost immediately.  However, there is no sense of the passage of time.  It seems like two days later and Carolyn is self-testing.  And when the first result is negative, she sends Palek out to buy a half-dozen more test kits. She tries everyone hoping for a positive that just doesn’t happen.

“I’m done,” she says finally. “”We’re done.  I don’t want kids.  I can’t do this anymore.”

This smacks more of a plot device than reality, since any couple going through reproductive procedures knows that the first time they try is not always the charm.


Meanwhile, Jamie (Michelle Borth) swears off men for about a minute and half.  Then she sees a co-worker arguing with her former beau.  The next day she hits on her co-worker’s boyfriend.  They wind up in her apartment, where they discuss their former lovers.  “We moved in together and we were happy, and then we got to know each other,” he says.

They start to do the nasty, but stop in the middle (apparently a recurring theme this episode).  She tries to hook up with him again the next morning, but he’s just not interested. And so another hour ends. 

I’ve decided the question isn’t really isn’t “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” but “Can This TV Show Be Saved?”  And as a follow-up: “Should This TV Show be Saved?”