Wednesday, October 10, 2007 Rant Archive
OK, I thought Sam (Bret Harrison) was having a crappy time at the beginning of the last episode, but this week’s episode trumps that one by far. It’s another fine workday for Sam and his buds, except that every time Sam tries to put something in his mouth—food, toothpaste, gum—it ends up covered with bugs. Jumpin’ Jesus, that’s nasty. To further complicate things, Andi (Missy Peregrym), the hottie of his dreams, asks him to go with her to … a college lecture on primates, tripping his insecurity alert, and he gets offered the last thing he wants at work: a promotion to management. Of the plumbing department, no less, offering Sam the opportunity to become king of the porcelain thrones. I refer you to my “Jumpin’ Jesus” remark earlier in the review.
Anyway, the terrible trio of Sam, Sock (Tyler Labine) and Ben (Rick Gonzalez) go bug-hunting and track the source of all the insectoid shenanigans to one Harold Bunsen (guest star Robert Foxworth), chief suspect in his wife’s murder more than 30 years before … who was devoured by bugs in a compost heap. Icky. Of course, being themselves, they pooch their reconnaissance and tip off Mr. Bunsen and the diabolical swarm. Hilarity and many disgusting infestations ensue. Will Sam manage to tame the wild swarm and recapture the lost soul behind it all? Will he manage to make a date with Andi? Will he take the promotion to assistant manager of the plumbing department? And what the hell is up with the toaster?
Taking a cue from critics like yours truly perhaps, CANE thankfully kept it all in the family this week.
Alex bestowed the formal position of driver/bodyguard upon hired-thug Santo, a move that had his family furrowing their brows. Answering some long-standing questions of his own, Alex happened upon brother-in-law Frank making out in the sugar-cane fields with secret lover (and family nemesis) Ellis Samuels. When Alex tried to go to Pancho for guidance, the old patriarch told Alex that a good CEO knew everyone else’s secrets while protecting his own. Alex took the advice to heart and used Frank’s loose lips to spread disinformation amongst the Samuels, leading them to make a foolish business deal while Alex poised himself to make larger profits down the line.
Club-owner Henry came (literally) to an agreement (with the world’s hottest architect) about plans for an exclusive V.I.P. room for his club. All he needed was $500 thousand to build it. Henry approached Alex, who was too unsure about the investment to allot company funds for it. Henry then complained to Frank, who told him to “grow a set” and secure some outside funding. Henry did just that, though his new partners were of the shady “How much you need? That much? No problem.” type. When Alex offered to have these new partners checked out, Henry foolishly refused, seeing the offer as an insult to his competence.
Something was in the air this week on THE UNIT and it definitely wasn’t love. More like a canister of toxic nerve agent that a small band of terrorists fastened to a small plane and sent flying towards the Unit’s home base, threatening their friends and family.
To stop the advance of the deadly aircraft Bob jumped in a second plane and flew of in pursuit. On the ground Grey and Hector had their hands full guiding Jonas (who spent most of the episode in a bio-hazard suit) through a booby-trapped hanger in the hope of finding clues that could help them down the deadly plane in time. Mack and Col. Ryan tried best they could to coordinate the operation from their dismantled command center, taking intermittent turns screaming at the team’s tech geek for not being able to complete days and days’ worth of work in half an hour.
On the home front, Bob’s wife Kim approached the base’s radio DJ with a solid proposal for a radio forum aimed at allowing military families to discuss and vent their concerns. To earn her spot, the DJ left Kim to run the station for a day—unfortunate timing, as Kim was forced to broadcast the emergency bulletin urging all base residents to seek shelter (though they’re told it’s only to avoid “severe weather.”) Erstwhile, Molly and Tiffy tried to console Mack’s daughters about their dad having been ordered to move away from home—the result of too many domestic disputes with his wife.
On the previous episode of DAMAGES, Ellen Parsons (Rose Byrne) managed to get fired by Patty Hewes (Glenn Close), which seemed like it would be a life-saver for Ellen. Of course, thanks to the dual timelines, we know that’s not the end of it for either of them. As this week’s installment opens, we see Ellen hitting up Hollis Nye (Phillip Bosco) for a job, while in the present timeline, Patty stops at a gas station long enough to clean a spot of blood off her shoes. At this point, the timelines are little more than a week apart, so things are coming to a head quickly.
But, that’s not the meat of the plot. Things are heating up now, as Patty decides to use the information Ellen dug up on George Moore (Peter Riegert), the former SEC investigator and current badass running around putting pressure on everybody, to force Arthur Frobisher (Ted Danson) to settle the massive stock fraud suit against him. Meanwhile, Ray Fiske (Zeljko Ivanek) is accelerating his emotional breakdown with reminiscences of Gregory Malina (Peter Facinelli), the deceased witness with whom Fiske had some kind of relationship in calmer days. Just so the fiancé isn’t left out, David (Noah Bean) discovers creepy invaders in his apartment, and doesn’t discover the creepy stalker chick who’s gotten a lot more surreptitious about following the good doctor.
Up to now, the game has mostly been about threats and menace, subtle maneuvers and backroom deals. But, it’s end game, so the players are stepping up, and what better way to do so than to start whacking the pieces? That’s the conclusion Ellen reaches when she goes to meet Mr. Moore and finds he’s been the recipient of some high-velocity lead poisoning. What does she do? Rifles his pockets and wipes down the car, that’s what. I’ll have to ask my wife what year of law school that procedure is taught. Anyway, the pressure’s mounting all around, and to say that things look really bad for all involved would be practicing one’s understatement skills. To steal the title from an upcoming Daniel Day-Lewis film, there will be blood, and soon.
I’m going to skip right past the crime scene in the week’s episode because I have a serious issue with maggots. Just thinking about the maggots is making me a bit squeamish; so let’s definitely talk about something else.
Fetish horseplay anyone?
Yeah. That’s much better.
This week on BONES, Brennan and Booth (Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz) investigate the murder of a man who liked to be a pony. His semi-ritualistic killing appeared to be like the slaughter of a horse, and it turns out he was really into the S&M pony thing. Oh, and the guy’s name was Ed.
When the duo sets off to check out the hotel he was staying in, they are bombarded by a whole room of role players. Booth, in his very straight-laced way, can’t get past the fetish. All these people who are riders or ponies just weird him out a little too much. It makes for some great chuckles (did I just say chuckles?) to watch him never back down from throwing insults at everyone he interviews at the ranch.
Also funny? To see how cool Brennan is around all of the role-playing. Obviously, no amount of fantasy sexual weirdness will faze this woman. She sees everything from a strictly anthropological stance. It bugs Booth to no end, and also brings a bizarre air to this episode. It’s all about sex.
Now that Denny (William Shatner) has a suspicion that the new guy Carl (John Larroquette) is bedding his beloved Shirley (Candice Bergen), he’s on a mission to prove he’s the bigger and better man. And when a cockfighting case finds its way to Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Denny figures it is the perfect opportunity to put his money where his mouth is. Seriously, a cockfighting case; there couldn’t be any better analogy of what’s going on between these two than that. I thought men outgrew that stuff by the time they were 50-years-old. I guess as long as there is any trace of testosterone left in their bodies, they remain a slave to it. But it isn’t all fun and games at BOSTON LEGAL this week, because Alan (James Spader) and his hot to trot coworker Lorraine (Saffron Burrows) had to represent a teenage girl, who is HIV-positive, against her school. And Katie (Tara Summers) and Jerry (Christian Clemenson) have been paired together again on a case involving a women whose husband has committed suicide.
That’s the beauty of BOSTON LEGAL; it doesn’t take itself too seriously, but it doesn’t avoid the heavy subjects either. Yes, now and again the writers have Alan jump up on his soap box and wax poetically about how poorly our country is being run, but even those tirades are balanced by the conservative slant of Denny Crane. That’s why I feel like I’ve watched three shows in one, when I tune in to this show. Not to mention the diversity of the their cases, which can run the gamut from serious cases of murder to the silliness of cockfighting. And speaking of that cockfighting case, Denny and Carl have a much bigger problem on their hands than just trying to defend a wretched human being who pits dog against dog from going to jail, they have to try and get him to speak English during his trial. That’s because, thus far, he only seems to be able to tell his story in Spanish. But you know Denny Crane will do whatever it takes to keep his perfect record.
The big twist last week was that THE BIGGEST LOSER campus was shutting down. This week we learn it was so the remaining contestants could go to Jamaica. Some were excited but most probably felt like Julie did, “I would rather chew my own arm off…than put on a bathing suit.” Of course this isn’t a vacation per se so back off that feeling that the morbidly obese catch all the breaks. The trainers came too, and Crazy Jillian- trainer of the team Black, seemed pissed at the whole island nation. Grrr! Flex!! NOSTRIL FLARE!!!
Oh and Bryan had chest pains before the trip and had to undergo a complete medical work up to look for heart conditions.
He’s fine except for the obesity. He made it back to his team in time for the reward challenge. He missed the open bar and buffet, scene of the biggest tiff during their stay at the Grand Lido Spa and Resort. Jez got in trouble with Crazy Jillian for asking if he could have a drink…after working out for five weeks…while he was in Jamaica. Jillian nearly chewed through three silver chaffing dishes, she was so mad. Mad that he would EVEN ASK! “Why do I want this more than you?!” She berated him.
Jez didn’t get the drink.
The Farrelly Brothers are known for their raunchy comedy movies (SOMETHING ABOUT MARY.) But the project nearest and dearest to their hearts may involve characters of the slapstick persuasion. Do the names Moe, Larry and Curly ring a bell?
Filmmakers Bobby and Peter Farelly recently opened up to MTV news about their ongoing mission to get a THREE STOOGES movie into theaters, a goal they’ve been trying to reach the turn of the century. With the opening of their latest film THE HEARTBREAK KID this past weekend, the Farrellys had a timely opportunity to reaffirm for fans that the Stooges film has not been forgotten:
“It is happening, but we don’t know when,” Pter Farrelly said of the controversial comedy relaunch… “It’s been the hardest thing to get made.”
The Farrellys assured that they plan to avoid the mistakes of other classic TV “updates” (like the reprehensible HONEYMOONERS,) by keeping the Stooges the exact same way we love them: loveable loons always digging themselves deeper and deeper into holes of chaos.
As we move slowly to the formation of House’s new team, this week we got three storylines. As much as we may have come to like/love or hate these characters, too many story lines usually means little progress in the overall story arc. One patient suffering from Spinal Muscular Atrophy passes out and can’t eat anymore. Another patient sticks a knife into an electrical outlet because he is addicted to afterlife visions. And we see Dr. Forman leading his own team in a comfy, cuddly Un-House way. Can they all converge and deliver on a theme central to the foundation of what makes HOUSE compelling?
There is plenty of fun with the prospective team members, whether it be their jaunty nicknames House gives them (Fat Twin, Cutthroat Bitch, 13, Grumpy, Big Love), or the mock tribal council with Bunsen burners signifying their life in the game. They are divided along genital lines (“Dangling or attractive”). The diagnoses flow for the SMA patient and none of them stick. His condition has rendered him immobile and dependant on an assist dog, yet he comes off as adjusted to his plight and even a little upbeat. He is the foil to House’s cynical and narcissistic nature especially in relation to physical limitations.
Another patient genuinely surprises House during his rounds in the dreaded clinic. The man is bruised and in a neck-brace and as House starts the witty banter the guy pulls a switch blade and heads for the electricity. When he recovers from being dead, he tells House he was in a car accident and his heart was stopped for quite a while. He saw the after life and it was the most amazing high he has ever felt. There is so much here to pique House’s interest it’s hard to find a starting place but basically House is hooked. Is it because he must disprove this vision to square his own nihilism? Is it tempting and soul filling to embrace the hereafter and does this mean ultimate redemption for House? Could he just be a junkie who was told about the most amazing drug ever?
The brother’s Caffee continue to indulge us with their tangled web of deceit, scandal & family values. This week their cousin Colin Carr (Brian F. O’Byrne) shows up at the State House in search of Tom. Tom welcomes him with open arms, hooks him up with a job & gives him a place to stay. Rose, Tom & Michael’s (Jason Clarke & Jason Issacs) mother says that Colin is a bad seed and she wants nothing to do with him while he is in Providence. Tom has his hands full with his failing marriage, the election and his cousin.
Michael on the other hand finds himself equally in trouble. He’s in deep water for taking it upon himself to kill Nozzoli’s sister’s brother to collect a debt for Freddie Cork. Turns out Nozzoli does not take kindly to this offense and Freddie sends Michael & Moe Riley (Billy Smith) to right their wrong. Nozzoli tells Michael he needs him to hijack a truck filled with Play Station3s. Michael & Moe get ready for the takedown. As they get out of Moe’s car Michel tells Moe to let him do the talking. Of course this sort of foreshadowing only means that Moe is going to screw things up, which is exactly what happens. Michael starts the heist out very calmly explaining to the truck driver that nothing will happen to him if he hands over the keys, walks away, counts to a thousand and then calls anyone he wants for help. At this point Moe decides it’s a good idea to throw himself into the mix and he grabs the truck driver, rips him out of the truck and begins to wail on him. It is the sort of thing that should be an option if necessary, but it wasn’t necessary and the truck driver ends up having a heart attack. Moe is a moron and Michael is screwed. Michael tells Moe to take the truck driver to the hospital and make sure he survives. He doesn’t survive.