By Brandon Nolta

THE SIMPSONS, “I Don’t Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”: We’re not even three minutes into the episode, and Steve Buscemi robs a bank. That’s awesome! Although, if Harvey Keitel had been around, it would have been twice as awesome. No, four times as awesome, as long as it wasn’t the Keitel from BAD LIEUTENANT. Jesus, was he whacked out in that or what? Great acting, though.

Anyway, Marge is one of the patrons in the bank at the time, so she tries to talk Buscemi (well, the character’s name is Dwight, but it’s Buscemi playing him, so I’ll just continue referring to him that way, ‘cause Buscemi is cool) down and ends up promising him that she’ll visit him in the joint if he gives up. Unfortunately for Marge, the cops fail to plug the hell out of him, so now she’s got to visit Buscemi in the pen. She’s already feeling guilty about missing Lisa’s big award ceremony, the one thing Homer’s actually made it to for the first time … ever, probably.

So, to make up for it, Marge finds new and inventive ways to avoid visiting, driving Buscemi ever closer to the edge until the fiendish actor escapes. Now, Buscemi’s stalking the hell out of Marge, to the tune of “Who Can It Be Now,” the unofficial theme song of stalkers everywhere. But, Marge’s influence turns out to be beneficial in the end, though somewhat painful for Buscemi. I should tell you about what was good in the episode and what wasn’t, but who gives a rat’s ass? It had Steve Buscemi in it, and that makes it a classic. That’s all you need to know.

KING OF THE HILL, “Four Wave Intersection”: Surfing and Texas; that usually goes together like metal shavings and hollandaise sauce, which must be why somebody put a water park up near Arlen. I guess. Anyway, Bobby and Joseph convince Hank to take them to Big Water, where they run afoul of a group of park bullies. Bobby stands up to them, with mixed results. Whilst all this is transpiring, Dauterive turns a breakdown on the side of the road into a moment of fame as a guy waving to motorists dubbed the Heat-Waver, and Boomhauer seems to be suffering from an identity crisis that Hank and the boys try to talk him out of by having him go to Big Water to intervene for Bobby and Joseph.

As usual, everybody screws things up. Bobby and his friends get picked on worse than before, Dauterive goes from being the Heat-Waver to being well-done, and Boomhauer’s first attempt at rescuing the kids goes sour. Time for Hank to ride to the rescue, with a little well-timed assistance from Boomhauer’s returned confidence. And, surprisingly, Dauterive turns out to have a purpose after all.

The more I watch this show, the more I like Hank Hill. Superficially, he may come across as just one step ahead of his dimwitted friends, but despite that, he’s a decent, caring man, ready to step up for his family and friends even if he doesn’t understand or agree with them. Part of that is the writing, which is unusually nuanced for prime-time network TV, and part of that is the voice characterizations. Anyway, it’s another solid job from Judge and his crew … although I wouldn’t mind if they upped the quality of the animation a little.

FAMILY GUY, “Boys Do Cry”: It’s rerun night for FAMILY GUY, reaching back to April for this one. Lois gets a job as church organist, which she uses as leverage to get the Griffins back to church on a regular basis. Struck by hunger, Stewie chows down on communion wafers and wine and makes himself sick, which the congregation takes as a sign that Stewie is possessed by the Devil. This should be considered as proof that none of the characters actually listen to the dialogue, as this conclusion should have been reached in the first season.

Anyway, when the requisite angry mob shows up, the Griffins pursue the better part of valor and get the hell out of Dodge. Where do they go to hide out and find religious tolerance? Texas. Let the jokes begin. Anyway, Lois really likes Texas, Brian doesn’t, and the rest of the family just fits in as best they can. Even Brian starts to adjust, managing to protect Texans everywhere by accidentally killing the Superdevil. If that doesn’t make sense … ah, just go with it. Anyway, Stewie’s drag disguise works a little too well, to the point where he gets into the Little Miss Texas pageant. Just imagine where it goes from there.

S&M cows, a really tasteless JonBenet joke, and enough Bush insults to make up the keynote address at the Democrat National Convention next year: There’s a lot to laugh at, and by the end, it’s too much. I love jokes at the expense of authority, but you go too far and it stops being funny. This episode manages to go that far, unfortunately. Still, better to have a show that takes that risk and occasionally oversteps than not dare to go far enough. Better luck next time.

AMERICAN DAD, “Dope & Faith”: Stan makes a stunning realization: He has no friends, and nobody really likes him. Actually, I could really care less about the plot, because this episode contains the quirky joy of hearing Patrick Stewart do an intentionally bad Mexican accent. I laughed so hard I had to rewind it two or three times, then twice more to catch all the stuff I missed. Thank you, TiVo; how did I ever live without you?

All right, I suppose I’ll go on with the review now. Steve and Roger head off to the carnival and meet a withered old drunken fortuneteller, which inspires an evil scheme on Roger’s part, while Stan heads off to church to speak with God. Apparently, that’s the only place Stan has a clear line upstairs. Anyway, Stan meets a new friend named Brett, who shares nearly all of Stan’s reactionary ideas and beliefs, except for one minor difference: Brett is an atheist. Since Stan is a progressive, open-minded fellow, this presents no problems for him. Stop laughing, you. Stan goes about trying to prove God’s existence, while Roger’s scheme leads Steve to a crack house, which Steve stupidly thinks is the American campus of Hogwarts.

Anyway, Stan decides it’s his Christian duty to destroy Brett’s life so that he’ll turn to God, and goes right to work, destroying his house, ruining his restaurant and turning his wife gay with an experimental beam. Betcha didn’t know the CIA could do that. Anyway, Brett’s problems overwhelm him, but he ends up trying to commit suicide instead of turning to God, thereby exposing a rather large flaw in Stan’s plan. Unfortunately, Brett’s actions allow him to meet Satan, with whom he makes a deal to come back to life, exposing yet another major flaw in Stan’s plan. Happy endings abound.

Just in case you didn’t get it, there is zero political or non-offensive content in this episode. Bless you, Seth MacFarlane. As a survivor of these kind of religious battles (well, not the part with suicide and Satan), I was totally into this episode, and laughed all the way through. Roger’s gun battle with Steve’s “professors” while cranked out of his little gray head was the highlight of the show. Oh, did I forget to mention that part? It was that kind of episode. Great stuff.