By Curt Schleier

Let me answer the most obvious questions first: yes WRONG TURN 2 is the sequel to WRONG TURN, a film tragically overlooked by both the Oscars and the Golden Globes.  And I know why. Movie buffs sometimes have their noses so far up in the air, they refuse to recognize the educational value of these films.

For example, lesson one: You do not want to travel to Greenbrier Backcountry, W. Va.  That is where both films are set, and clearly the people in 2 ignored the learning opportunity offered by the original.  They are now mostly dead.

Second, if you must go to Greenbrier Backcountry, W. Va., invest a couple hundred bucks in a global positioning system.  Buy a Tom Tom or Garmin, because – and I want you to trust me on this – if you get lost in Greenbrier Backcountry, W. Va., you will die.

Three: Kimberly (Kimberly Caldwell), a young actress without a GPS system, gets lost on the way to a job as a contestant on Welcome to the Apocalypse.  She phones her agent but discovers she has no cell phone service.  This is what happened at the beginning of the original WRONG TURN, and we all know how that turned out.  So, if you are on a back road in Backcountry, and your cell phone does not work, immediately get to an interstate.

Four: If you are driving along and hit someone with your car, it is okay to jump out to try to help.  But look at his/her/its faces.  If you have hit a mutant, he or she may look unconscious, but they can still spring up, grab an ax and cut you in two – vertically.  That means from top to bottom. So leave them on the road, get back in your car and hightail it out of there.

Five: Do not rely on the local constabulary.  Apparently people have been disappearing in the area for 30 or 40 years and no one noticed.


Six: Just because they are mutants and can’t speak, do not think they aren’t clever.  They have devised ingenious traps to ensnare reality show contestants, are whizzes with bows and arrows and are very hungry.
 
Seven: Just because they’re mutants doesn’t mean they’re heathens.  One family says grace before they devour the remains of one of the contestants.

Eight: If you are near a deserted paper mill, presume there are mutants nearby – especially if you don’t hear the sound of animals or birds in the woods. This is because the paper mill dumped chemicals that killed all the animals and caused birth defects in humans.

Nine: Just because one family is destroyed (blown up by dynamite or fed into a meat grinder) doesn’t mean that the Wrong Turn franchise comes to an end.  At the conclusion of the film we see another mutant feeding a human finger to an infant. 


That’s why it is extremely important that you take these lessons to heart and head.  We certainly don’t want history repeating itself – not with you.