Thursday, October 18, 2007 Rant Archive
Apparently, if the writers of SMALLVILLE have their way, Kansas will be the home of the future Justice League, because every superpowered guy and girl in the region hangs out there. Within the first few minutes of this week’s episode, we see Clark (Tom Welling), Kara (Laura Vandervoort) and the Martian Manhunter (Phil Morris) swooping around. The fact that this doesn’t freak Lana (Kristin Kreuk) in the slightest tells you something about Kansas in this universe.
This week, Lex (Michael Rosenbaum) has found himself a new playmate, one Dr. Curtis Knox (Dean Cain), a brilliant neurosurgeon who has developed a cure for the meteor-infected that involves glowing tubes, old-fashioned surgical tools and kryptonite. Unfortunately, Dr. Knox also has a predilection for killing some of his patients and removing vital organs, a tendency Lex feels violates Lexcorp HR policy. After confronting Dr. Knox about this egregious practice, the bad doctor tells Lex to piss off, which Lex answers with a lead salad. Tough boss.
This, however, is where Lex discovers that Knox is immortal, and Knox answers Lex’s lead salad with a good old-fashioned skull-thumping. It turns out that Knox doesn’t like being immortal alone, and has decided to Frankenstein his beloved into eternal life using assorted meteor-infected spare parts. Chloe, who has heard about the procedure but not about Knox’s other activities, turns out to have the last piece: a meteor-infected heart. Ms. Sullivan has no interest in being a meteor freak any longer, so she’s all too willing to sign up until she finds out about the stuff Knox failed to mention.
As I’ve remarked before, part of what differentiates the American OFFICE from its British predecessor is that the comedy is often balanced by a tender sensibility. The creators avoid the original’s nastier humor in an effort to provide their version with an emotional center. The characters are more likeable – including Carell’s Michael Scott and Wilson’s Dwight Schrute – which goes a long way towards winning fans over. In Thursday’s episode, the audience sympathizes with Michael and Dwight as they deal with their separate issues and it never feels unnatural.
Michael’s girlfriend Jan is redecorating their condo and it puts a serious strain on their finances. Jan hasn’t worked since being fired last season and doesn’t look about to start anytime soon. It doesn’t help that Michael is prone to senseless purchases himself. He picks up a second job as a telemarketer to supplant his income, but it isn’t long before his new job starts to impede on his time at Dunder-Mifflin. Meanwhile, Dwight has opened a bed and breakfast at the Shrute family beet farm where he lives. Pam and Jim hear Dwight taking reservations at work and immediately call to book a night. Dwight, fearing a poor review online, accepts. A romance seems to be blossoming between Ryan’s old squeeze Kelly and warehouse worker Darryl. But Kelly is only affectionate towards him when Ryan is around, which seems to bother both men. He tells Kelly that he likes her but she better figure out what she wants; she’s taken aback by someone who actually says exactly what he feels.
Every season or so SURVIVOR makes an arbitrary twist in the game that serves to whack one of the strongest players or even up lopsided teams. It can be fun if an unlikable player is the victim; it is aggravating when it hits someone with a legitimate chance of going deep in the game. Tonight it was the latter.
The teaser for tonight’s episode was about a budding romance and the above mentioned twist. I was down right giddy when I saw gravedigger powerhouse James making friends with mulleted lunchlady Denise. That would a romance for the reality TV ages. Instead it was Erik and Jaime, two of the most lifeless, bland contestants ever. As they confessed their little crushes to each other, Erik also declared he was a virgin. Jaime looked like she had swallowed a bug, but later realized it only meant she could really trust him.
Or he might have lied and you’re a gigantic dummy, Jaime. But I don’t think so (about the lying part, not the dummy part).
Before the immunity challenge, the twist was announced. Fei Long got a message that they had to select two warriors from the other tribe that would help them win the next challenge. Immediately they asked what the catch was and figured out they would probably have to send two of their players over to Zhan Hu. They selected Frosti and Sherea and knew they would say goodbye to James and probably Aaron.
Are there any films made in the last ten years with as much action, smarts and plain ol’ testosterone-driven style as HEAT? The 1995 magnum opus from Michael Mann is one of the legendary crime films of the last twenty years, if not the last fifty, and there’s no shortage of reasons why. Pick whichever one you like: the phenomenal cast, of which Pacino and De Niro are just the icing on the cake; the intelligent and snappy script; the brilliant editing and location work (Mann shot at 65 locations in Los Angeles, and not one of them was a soundstage); the intense action, including the famous bank robbery … shall I go on? Mann has always been a slick visual stylist and purveyor of smart, character-driven drama, but with HEAT, he topped himself.
What’s it all about? I’m glad you asked. It’s the mid-1990s, and Neil McCauley (Robert De Niro) is looking to retire. One of the best thieves around, McCauley is focused, meticulous, smart and ruthless, and staying away from the law keeps him that way. His crew, despite their personal foibles, is as professional and smart as he is, and their capers usually go off like clockwork. Unfortunately, their latest one has gone a little south thanks to the new guy Waingro (Kevin Gage), and Waingro’s itchy trigger finger has called in a big dog: Det. Vincent Hanna (Al Pacino), a suit-wearing shark in the law enforcement pool. Hanna’s a bulldog for catching bad guys, and McCauley is one of those challenges that Hanna loves, even more than being a family with his latest wife (Diane Venora) and step-daughter (Natalie Portman). With the heat on, and his personal life thrown for a loop by a pretty clerk (Amy Brenneman), McCauley decides to go for the mythical big score, a daylight bank robbery with millions at stake. But Hanna and his equally professional crew are closing in, and a lead salad is going to be on the menu for somebody.
Storyline wise, GOSSIP GIRL has to be the most overrated thing on television since the last crappy, big deal on television. The dialogue is trite and overdone. Moreover the storyline is the same high school crap we dealt with in DAWSON’S CREEK, FELEICTY & BEVERLY HILLS 91210. The ultimate sense of fashion & wardrobe changes going on with each & every character would be the one and only redeeming quality of this show. Fashionistas unite! I cannot even begin to tell you how impressed I was with the ultimate sense of attire flashing before my very eyes. It was like Christmas for the style inclined.
Anyways, this episode reads exactly like anything ever written or depicted about high school. The narrator is anonymous (Kristin Bell) and known as Gossip Girl. God, that’s brilliant, why didn’t I think of it? So the shoe’s about this clan of ridiculously social elite high school students that do whatever they want and use their parent’s money and power to stay out of trouble. It sounds exactly like my high school experience. I guess that is why I am writing reviews of television shows nightly and not a power lawyer, or is it because I like to spend all my other waking hours partying? WHO KNOWS FOR SURE.
This week, Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgley) casts his lifestyle of simple means away and finally asks glamorous Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively) on a date. Dan makes a big deal out of it, telling his dad, Rufus (Matthew Settle) that he’s going to spend every last penny he has to make this the sort of date worthy of Serena. Too bad Dan didn’t get the memo that Serena doesn’t want the five star service.
LIFE’s quickly becoming my favorite new drama on television. I love the fact that Charlie Crews (Damian Lewis) is both a good guy cop with a heart of gold & a complete and total insane jerk when it comes to investigating his own case, on his own time. Oh duality, how you give a character the actual perspective they need to actually seem real and relatable!
Let’s get down to brass taxes, Crews & Dani Reese (Sarah Shahi) show up to a murder scene in a super rich and elite Los Angeles neighborhood. A gay man has been shot in the head and his blood and brains are splattered all over his bedroom. Crews uses his third eye to detect someone in the shadows, below the property line. WELL IF IT ISN’T A CRAZY VAGRANT, Holt Easley (William Sanderson), THAT SAW EVERYTHING GO DOWN. I guess being a crazy homeless dude means you also don’t tell the whole truth as Easley slowly gives bits and pieces of what he saw happen to Crews & Reese.
Initially, Easley tells the detectives he saw the dead man’s gay lover, James, come into the bedroom and shoot the dead man point blank in the head. Then he says that James went outside and threw his lover’s wedding ring into some weeds where he fished it out of. Easley’s story doesn’t have exact continuity to it, but neither does anyone else’s. Crews keeps Easley in lockup until he can finish interviewing the neighbors.
The neighbor across the street, Gina Borns, says she saw her husband, Drew, emerge from the house immediately after she heard a gunshot. She says she suspects her husband was the dead man’s gay lover, but never said anything because he treated her right and loved her. Although she indicates she is not ok with her husband being a murderer. She then tells detectives that she wants to help them and if she can do anything in her power she will.
On tonight’s menu at KITCHEN NIGHTMARES, we get a serving of sub-par food and lackluster service at the Olde Stone Mill in Tuckahoe, N.Y. Wow, there’s a shocker for you, a failing restaurant that has bad food and service, who’d a thunk it? Right off the bat, we hear the owner, Dean, call his consistent clientele a bunch of blue hairs. Now that’s not a nice way to describe the elderly, especially when they are the only ones frequenting your establishment. But help arrives quickly, in the form of one Chef Ramsey, who rides in on his motorcycle like a knight charging in on his trusty steed. As usual, he dubiously eyes the menu and chooses the least offensive offerings he can find. But he’s immediately put off by a wait staff that does just that … makes him wait; not too mention chomping on gum when he finally does arrive. Gordon was even less impressed with his first taste of the restaurant’s food, but that’s just par for the course on this show. And the owner was more than just a little annoyed, when Gordon began attacking his restaurant. I’ve said it time and time again; if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Ok I didn’t say it, but seriously, these owners act as if they have no idea what’s coming when they invite Chef Ramsey into their lives. But as we know, that doesn’t stop this perfectionist from giving these owners the best advice he can, even if it means he has to beat it into them.
While Gordon doesn’t actually physically beat anything into people, he comes close with his acid tongue. Actually, I think some of these people would rather have a good pounding than hear the brutal truth of what they are doing to screw up their business. But this owner will lose everything, if he doesn’t listen to and put into practice everything Gordon tells him to. He has a family and a home to protect, so it’s not just a matter of being able to keep his restaurant open. What I can’t understand is why these owners and managers never seem to know what’s going on in the most important part of the restaurant, the kitchen. While the owner is out in the front schmoozing with the customers, the head chef is in the weeds in the back. Pressured by the owner, the head chef, Mike, has been sending food out too quickly, knowing that it isn’t up to par. Uh oh, that’s a big no no in the world of Gordon Ramsey, but the fault really lies with the Dean, and this leads to a nasty battle of words between him and Ramsey. Hey, this wouldn’t be KITCHEN NIGHTMARES if there weren’t a good fight.
I don’t think Jaime Sommers (Michelle Ryan) knows how lucky she is. Here she is, survivor of a car accident that would have killed virtually anybody else, but in her case, opened the door on a whole new career. Now, thanks to the bionic technology developed by her late boyfriend Will Anthros (Chris Bowers), she’s a $50 million living weapon who gets to travel to exotic locales like Paraguay for work. How awesome is that?
Anyway, Jaime and her trainer Antonio (Isaiah Washington) are in that South American paradise to try and rescue an American doctor. Oddly enough, though, her trainer purposely sets off an alarm and gets them both captured, meaning either there’s something else going on or … well, there’s obviously something else going on. Ooh, there’s going to be violence. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Sarah Corvus (Katee Sackhoff) is in custody, tied up and pissed off. Jonas (Miguel Ferrer) tells her he can fix her tremors and anxiety issues, if she gives up Daddy Anthros. Needless to say, after the lead salad she got the last time, she’s not particularly trusting.
This week on the hour I like to call a total waste of time that you probably call PRIVATE PRACTICE I was utterly bored again. Not a surprise. Addison’s throwing a small party at her house and no one has RSVP’d. I guess it sucks to be a boring, whiney & patetic doctor. Sam (Taye Diggs) goes on television and sells his idea of medicine that basically says your body tells you what is wrong. DUH. After his segment airs on television this pregnant nut job shows up to Oceanside Wellness Group up and becomes the combined problem of Addison (Kate Walsh) & Sam.
Poor Violet (Amy Brenneman) continues to be haunted by her ex when his new wife shows up for an appointment with Naomi (Audra McDonald). Violet begins obsessing over why her arch nemesis would show up at her place of employment. She tries to ask Naomi, but then tells Naomi not to tell her at all because she needs to get over her past and practice letting go. Doing this only serves to drive Violet crazier and she eventually asks Addison what to do & Addison tells her to read the woman’s file and find out. She eventually realizes that the woman came there to be treated for sexually induced bladder infections. BURN—I GUESS VIOLET KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CURIOUS CAT. Anyways, at the end of the episode Violet confronts her nemesis and realizes that the new wife came to size her up and still considers Violet a threat to her marriage.
Oh sweet justice, it appears that the town-council members can be replaced, and with the way in which little Taylor has been throwing her weight around, something tells me there may be change in the air. This is a good lesson for Taylor to learn because she obviously hasn’t heard the saying “the fingers you step on, on your way up, will be the hands that pull you on your way down,” or something like that. This is one hardheaded girl, because even after being called out in the past two town council meetings, she continues to bark orders at the rest of the kids. She has to be an only child or the oldest one in her family, because anybody with an older sibling would get the snot kicked out of him or her for treating people they way she does. Not that I’m encouraging snot kicking, I’m just saying you learn really fast what not to say, when you have an older brother or sister around to check you on it. But everything comes in good time, because now Taylor has 38 other kids to teach her the ways in which to get along positively in the world. Or at the very least, she will learn a lesson in humility, which appears to be sorely lacking in her DNA.
But Taylor isn’t the only town-council member in fear of losing their position. All four of the kids in charge are second-guessing the decisions they’ve been making, and how the rest of the town feels about them. Many people claim they don’t want that kind of power and control, but just try and take it away and you’ll see how fast their true feelings emerge. That being said, they other three council members have done a fairly good job of running the place. Sure the kids didn’t appreciate being told how their religious services were going to be run, in last week’s episode, nor did they enjoy being put on a 9 p.m. curfew, but all tings considered, I think they’re doing as good a job as can be expected of children so young. That doesn’t mean the town couldn’t stand for a changing of the guard though, and considering the fact that this should be a learning experience for each of the kids, maybe a shift in leadership is best for everybody. I know I would certainly want my child to get a taste of running things, if I were ever stupid enough to allow him or her to be left to fend for themselves in a ghost town.
If you saw any of the numerous ads for this week’s episode of CANE, you knew going in (as I did) that it was going to be an over-the-top soap opera of family hardship. I can say this much: the advertisers didn’t mislead.
The episode started with Isabel confronting Alex about the gun she found at the end of last week’s episode. Needless to say she was not happy. At the same time, a body was being dragged out of the Everglades. Though the crocodiles had snacked on it, Detective Grasso still recognized the corpse as the man Alex had complained was threatening his family. Before alerting anyone else, Grasso called Alex and had him come I.D. the body, just to be sure. Alex did so, but the sight of the mutilated corpse haunted him for the rest of the day.
Meanwhile, the Vega’s hated rivals the Samuels conferred with their private investigator, who had yet to dig up any real dirt on Alex. In a not so subtle threat, Ellis Samuels suggested that the private dick “make his own luck” and get them something to use against the Vegas.
Oh Darlings, just when we were making some great progress, you go and drop a big fat turd in this week’s episode.
Last week, I gushed about how much I enjoyed the family and their vapid travails as the most rich and famous clan in town. But just a week later, the whole act is starting to feel tired and played out. Here’s what we had this week (that we amazingly had last week as well): Jeremy is still hooking up with the hated Natalie, much to the chagrin of his twin sister. Karen is still in love with Nick, and she follows him (current hubby in tow) all the way to Italy to crash his romantic getaway to tell him so. And, again, we end the show with a veiled Simon Elder plot twist. This time, Elder himself (Blair Underwood) makes an appearance, and sends the show out on another twist.
Sigh. Didn’t we already do all of this last week? Haven’t we been doing this all year? As we watch the inept Nick George (Peter Krause) bumble his way through an investigation into his father’s death, you can’t help but want to scream at him to quit telling everyone everything. Keep some secrets for yourself, Nick! God knows everyone is keeping things from you. But yet here he is again, spilling his guts to Tripp Darling, who sends him on a wild goose chase to Italy to track down some spy who might know something about someone who might be involved with the murder.
We are now deep into this season of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, and a couple of things are becoming clear. The girls are all trying to play strategically. It’s the ninth season, and with between one and two seasons a year, that means some of these girls were fourteen and younger when they started watching ANTM. They’ve studied and they know that practicing and committing are part of the homework. They know they have to smile at the judges, and that Tyra is their god. Yet unlike seasons past, there is no obvious front-runner. No girl that wants it the most. No girl that is most likely making it to the finals. There are beautiful girls and there are smart girls but there aren’t a ton of standouts. The result is a weird flatness to the episode tonight. And is it me, or are a few of the girls just not that bright?
Ebony, Ebony, Ebony. She has absolutely no depth whatsoever, and she is hopelessly self-conscious. I once worked with a woman who was obsessed with her hairline; every week she would have it waxed and plucked. I had never even thought about my hairline until I met her. Ebony is the sort who would wax her hairline. Stupid and self conscious makes for painful T.V. Tonight she pulls off a beautiful picture, but Tyra calls her on the fact that she hates to smile. Ebony’s reasoning? Her gums are too big! Wha?
If you don’t already know the premise of PUSHING DAISIES it is thus: Ned, the pie maker, has a special gift. He can bring the dead back to life. He discovers this gift, given by no one in particular, at the age of ten. He also discovers two significant aspects of this gift. The first is that if the re-lifed live longer than a minute, death must come to someone else. The second consequence is, “First touch is life, second touch is dead forever.” If he touches them again, they die for good.
Since he saved his childhood sweetheart, a girl named Chuck, this has been hanging over them. First that they cannot touch and second, she is alive and because of that a grave-robbing funeral director is not. When Ned gave Chuck life, it was robbed of Lawrence Schatz of his. This week Chuck discovers this fact and she is not happy that her Prince Charming is essentially a killer. And as the narrator tells us, “This wasn’t the only storm brewing in the Pie Hole. A low pressure system was building to a hurricane.” This was of course Pie Hole employee Olive Snook who has loved Ned from afar and hates Chuck’s presence and tendency to kiss Ned through Saran Wrap.
Ned’s business partner, PI Emerson Cod, has not been a fan of Chuck’s either. Largely he doesn’t want a new partner but also he resents how cavalierly Ned brought her back and kept her alive with Emerson so close by. He could have been the one to buy it instead of Lawrence Schatz. Plus he has been hired by Louis Schatz to find his brother’s killer.
The truth hurts. I know somewhere along the lines the American public got it in there heads that the truth will set them free, but that is a total crock. I’m sure if Don Henley knew about carpooling it wouldn’t have been The Boys of Summer, but rather, The Boys of the Carpool Lane. This week we catch the guys playing an all time favorite game of mine, Who Would You Do? Mostly, this is the sort of game you play on long road trips or while drinking so you can take back any of your prior, loose tongued admissions.
The rules of Who Would You Do?are simple. Basically, you are confronted with two equally unappealing choices to choose as your sexual partner. The point is that it shouldn’t take you a lot of thought to come to a decision—it is a split second decision making game, which is the part that makes it fun and time consuming. After a few rounds of the game and still a ways to get to work Gracen (Fred Goss) tells the guys that his wife says his particular sex ritual is too boring for words. Dougie (Tim Pepper) chimes in that he keeps things fresh and exciting, even though he is a newly wed, by keeping a date night with his wife. Laird (Jerry O’Connell) says this is a ridiculously stupid idea, but since he’s the divorced guy within the group everyone takes this as a sign that he has no idea what he’s talking about and Aubrey (Jerry Minor) and Gracen decide to take Dougie’s advice.
One thing I never expected THE UNIT to tackle so well was the psychological aspect of being in a life-or-death combat situation. It’s the kind of deep, probing examination I pretty much figured to be reserved for documentaries and Oliver Stone films. However in this week’s episode that examination was the central theme of a well-plotted, well-acted and generally pleasing bit of TV.
Bob, Mack and Hector were on assignment in the war-torn African city of Abidjan, tasked with guiding a U.S. Diplomat, his family and colleagues from an embassy to an extraction point where they would be picked up by U.S. Soldiers. With rebel insurgents on patrol, and the city being shelled with mortars, time was short. Bob broke off to locate a young U.S. official, his wife and infant child, while Mack and Hector inadvertently led their charges into the middle of a mine field—a fact they realized only after one of the charges, stricken with panic, got himself blown up real good. Mack and Hector were faced with a serious dilemma: take the time to slowly, properly navigate the mine filed and risk getting shot by rebels; or hightail it through the field and risk getting blown to bits. Opting for safety, our heroes tried to take things a step at the time, without losing control of their panicked charges.