By Matthew Wood

Midway through Wednesday’s episode of DIRTY SEXY MONEY, Brian Darling (Glenn Fitzgerald) declares, “I’ve made a mess of everything. What the hell am I going to do?” Do you think the writers of this schlocky soap opera, which had high expectations that have yet to be met, might be thinking the same thing?

Brian makes his confession to Nick George (Peter Krause) after his wife tells him she wants a divorce upon learning that their recently adopted “orphan” is actually his son from a different woman. Here’s a little tip, Brian: If you don’t want your wife finding out about the kid, might not want to name him Brian Jr.

He’s not the only Darling child having trouble. The twins, Jeremy and Juliet (Seth Gabel and Samare Armstrong), decide they want separate 25th birthday parties. But they just can’t bear to split the $1 million allotted them, so they learn some harsh lessons in rich-kid economics. Well, actually they don’t. They just end up spending whatever and leaving Daddy (Donald Sutherland) with the bill.


And what do they come up with for 2 mill-plus? A French-themed party for Juliet -- where only a select few are dressed as French royalty and the rest of the normal guests just kinda wear whatever, which is really weird – and Jeremy’s party on top of the Brooklyn Bridge, where, apparently, traffic is still speeding by below.

I just don’t understand the logistics of this. Wouldn’t it be really loud? And really dirty? Are there excessive electrical outlets lying around on the Brooklyn Bridge? And did I miss something during the party scenes? One minute, Jeremy was yelling at his girlfriend for faking a pregnancy. The next he’s stripped down to his underwear, singing “All By Myself” while almost falling off the bridge. It’s almost as if there was a scene in the middle of him getting drunk and taking off his clothes that got cut out in the editing room and they just decided to let it ride without explanation. Nice work guys.

In other Darling news, Karen wants Patrick to get her newest hubby a membership at the country club. But really, who cares about either of these guys?

And, of course, Nick’s still searching for his father’s killer, while at the same time managing the Darlings’ legal affairs and having random dinners with Simon Elder (Blair Underwood). So, to recap, he’s basically becoming closer and closer with the two people he suspects most in his father’s death. Which would be rather coy, I guess, except he keeps telling both of them everything he knows. Way to be slick, Nick.


Plot Prediction #1: Nick gets Jeremy to run his charitable organization and give away all the Darling money he’s owed for representing them. If there’s one thing Jeremy knows how to do, it’s give away the Darlings’ money.

Plot Prediction #2: Jeremy and Juliet find out that one of them is actually the illegitimate Darling child, and they become lovers, a la Luke Wilson and Gwyneth Paltrow in THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS. Come on, admit you were thinking it too.