By Sabrina Cognata
Ok, so maybe you’re not embarrassed to watch any film. Maybe you’re proud to admit that you watch POKEMON, THE MOVIE twice a week. I on the other hand have a modicum of self respect and would like to go to my death without the entire world knowing that I get Van Damme fever because his movies maintain a level of hilarious that never gets old.
Regardless of the fact that these are some of the most entertaining movies around they’re not movie titles you throw around when you are around your posh film buff friends for fear of them shunning you for your terrible taste. These people are usually boring and worthless friends anyways. Here I’ve compiled a list of 6 movies that can stop me in my tracks and make me late for work if I see they’re on. Amazing.
OVER THE TOP – Sylvester Stallone, perhaps he is the crowned prince of super bad movies I love to watch. He stars in this movie as Lincoln Hawk all around good guy, truck driver and recently single dad. After the death of his ex-wife he regains custody of his son & spends the entire movie trying to regain his trust. The only logical way to do this is to win AN ARM WRESTLING CONTEST. Nothing says good parenting and great times like arm wrestling. Each time I catch this movie on cable time stops and I shamefully watch it.
ROAD HOUSE – This movie is guilty pleasure galore. At the height of his career, Patrick Swayze plays James Dolton, all around badass & mega bouncer. He’s hired to come defend the Double Deuce (not just a name for giant breasted women) from the local riff-raff while not getting killed in the process. This movie gets mega cheese points because it has absolutely no point and gratuitous violence. I consider ROADHOUSE to be the great American movie based on the sub-par dialogue. At the end of the movie local badguy Jimmy (Marshall Teague) looks at Dolton as they’re engaged in a battle royal and says, “I used to f**c guys like you in prison!” That my friend isn’t even a threat. That’s pathetic & comedy gold.
BLOODSPORT – Jean-Claude Van Damme uses his best Borat English & does tons of his signature ultimate kicks all over this movie. In fact, I wish I could tell you more of what happens in this film with total continuity. Bloodsport is a movie about the ultimate fighting tournament. Van Damme plays Frank W. Dux, a man invited to fight in this secret tournament. Most of the film is what you’d expect, typical cheese ball fight scenes and bad dialogue. Truly, the crowning glory of this film is at the end when the reigning champion of the tournament realizes Dux is the better fighter and throws salt in Dux’s eyes. Although Dux is blinded he uses a combination of all his senses to defeat his opponent. Turns out, even the best fighters in the world would probably get their ass beat if they were blinded in a fight. The cheese factor alone in this film makes it total awesome.
PROBLEM CHILD – John Ritter plays Little Ben Healey & proves to be comedic gold in this film about a barren couple that decides to adopt and end up taking home the devil and naming him Junior. Every single part of this film is hilarious. The worse Junior acts the more love Little Ben gives him. At some point in the film, Junior wants to prove he’s worthy at a little league game & runs around the baseball field beating everyone that gets in his way with a baseball bat. I should be ashamed to love this movie but I’m not. Mainly because the idea of burning down my parent’s house or becoming pen pals with a notorious serial killer are all things I want to be when I grow up.
POINT BREAK – Is the ultimate poorly acted surfing movie. Keanu Reeves doesn’t even have to act—he merely has to show up on screen and look vacant. He plays Johnny Utah, a washed up football player and FBI agent looking to solve a string of mysterious bank robberies know only as the Ex Presidents (because they wear masks with faces of former presidents) in the Los Angeles area. He’s partnered with Angelo Pappas (Gary Busey) who proves to be just as wildly insane onscreen as he is in real life. The robberies are being done by a group of surfers so Utah infiltrates the surfing community and becomes best compadres with the banditos. The film earns extra cheese points because it is pointless and in the end the leader of the Ex Presidents, Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) shows up in Australia and Utah catches him only to let him go to be eaten up by the swell of the ultimate wave. Every time I catch this stupid movie on cable I know I will be two hours late to whatever I have to do, that includes going to work.
JASON X – I’ll admit it. Jason X is probably the worst movie of all time. We’re in the future and Jason ends up in outer space. Yea, read that one again—OUTER SPACE. It was the height of the MATRIX excitement and Jason and the outer space “campers” get to use MATRIX type moves while they battle out to the death. At one point a simulation machine recreates Camp Crystal Lake and it is probably one of the most hilarious scenes in a movie that is so disastrously awesome that I get excited just thinking about it. Besides, being in space bends the horror movie rules due to the sci-fi factor and things can justifiably be that much weirder. Awesome.