By Sabrina Cognata

Hello, your name is Samantha and now everything you cannot remember doing is suddenly a big huge deal.  I guess one of those giant, life defining moments happens to be getting your first lay on—at least it is according to Samantha.  I mean, her body knows what’s up.  Her body’s probably done it thousands of times with possibly hundres of people, judging from what we know about her prior to her amnesia the possibilities of Samantha being a whore is pretty high.  And now that she doesn’t remember sex it’s such a huge deal that she feels like she needs to figure it out & get it done.

First, Samantha goes to her mother asking about sex.  The big virginity question makes things so awkward and weird onscreen that I really wanted to turn off the television.  The virginity question sparks a debate between Samantha’s parents when her father finally realizes that he was not his mother’s first lover.  Samantha leaves her house and goes to her friends Dena (Melissa McCarthy) & Andrea (Jennifer Esposito) to talk about how she knows she’s done it, but she doesn’t know it—cause of the stupid amnesia.  Dena & Melissa try to describe it to Samantha and sound like retards.  Andrea says she should hurry up and have sex and get back to the grind.  While Dena says she should wait for someone that cares about her to show up.

Samantha goes to Todd’s (Barry Watson) apartment to collect more of her stuff and she asks him about sex—what was it like with her?  How was she in bed?  You know, the sort of questions you ask your ex after 50 margaritas and the total loss of your dignity.  Samantha on the other hand has a green light to question all this crap because she is an intellectual invalid with zero memories.  Todd says sex was great with her and she leaves the apartment while everything around her is some sort of phallic symbol.


Andrea tells Samantha to shut up about sex and that she’ll take her out and get her laid.  Andrea is a standup sort of gal.  In real life she’s probably carry the cure to AIDS and a ball gag in her purse.  While out on the prowl with Andrea Dena and Samantha’s mother show up to lend their support to Samantha’s virginity bashing.  Samantha meets Jason.  Makes out with him & leaves—with him.  Her plan is to get to his house and have him bang the living hell out of her, but HE’S A VIRGIN ALSO.  Things are almost as awkward as when she was talking to her parents about sex.  No part of this is funny and all of it is totally overacted. 

Samantha has a sexy flashback about having sex with Todd and decides to show up to his apartment and get him to screw her.  Everything would have gone as planned if Todd hadn’t been on a date.  Todd accuses Samantha of being jealous and then Samantha leaves.  When she gets home her mother tells her she wants to be able to talk to her more openly and Samantha agrees, but stipulates that she doesn’t want to talk about her having sex ever again.  Samantha tells her father her mother tried to hook her up with a man that looked just like him at the bar causing the two to patch things up.  Ugh, hey America, how is this the supposed #1 comedy on television.  Either ABC are liars or you all are idiots.