By Buzz Byrne

First a big shout out to Leslie Moonves, President of CBS, for ruining Thanksgiving. I don’t know whether it was you or one of your gorgonzola munching, rump sniffing underlings who made the decision to LIE about tonight’s episode of SURVIVOR: CHINA and call it “All New!” but I am holding you personally responsible. Had I known this was going to be a clip show, I could have sat down this morning, between bastings, and put together a fully comprehensive rundown of the contestants and their chances to win the big prize. Then I could have gorged myself on the holiday foods and been nipple deep in Saranac Pumpkin Ale. Right now I would be expelling the gentle snoring sounds of a contented man and maybe a few beer farts. But, no. I take my job seriously so I stayed stonecold sober to watch the show and write this review.

Since this show is circling the drain, let me point out one major thing, Leslie. Lying to the last few mental cases that watch this dumb show every week is not how you soothe your base audience. I know, being one of those mental cases. Your flunkies are letting you down. The kidnapping gimmick was a flop. The WWE diva casting was a flop. And the professional poker player as a villain was a complete flop. Everything you’ve tried to reinvigorate this show has failed. So while you may crow about beating better shows in the ratings, remember this: your target demo is the first generation raised on microwave-cooked food, that does something to the brain, I am sure of it. So we are kinda slow but we do catch on eventually.


You want your show to be better? Up the prize to five million, get rid of the immunity idols and stop coddling the contestants! Starve them, burn them in the sun and make them tell embarrassing family secrets! I want to see some pain and suffering, and NO, that doesn’t mean an hour long episode of TWO AND A HALF MEN.

Also, “Leslie” is a girl’s name.

Was there new material tonight? Sure. There were edited fights and previously unseen food choices (worms, “sea celery” and fire roasted frogs). Did the game move forward at all? Nope.

So who do we have left and what is this expert handicapper’s prediction on their chances for winning? Let’s have a quick, sober look. (I’m making a gesture at my TV that is tuned to CBS right now that I can’t rightfully describe and keep it clean.)

Courtney- Odds of winning 2500-1
She has no shot. Whining doesn’t score points with the jury. Making faces, doing nothing and being skinny only helps to become a trophy wife…That’s how you found yours, right Leslie?

Denise- Odds of winning: 500-1
I like the mulleted lunch lady from the hinterland known as New Hampshire but the only way she wins is if she serves up six plates of tainted “stuff” on a shingle.

Peih-Gee- Odds of winning: 75-1
She has a shot, despite being on the outs with this group, because she might be able to flip the game if she could muscle out James. A tall order and not likely.

Erik- Odds of winning: 25-1
He has caught the eye of Amanda and might be able to ingratiate himself with this tribe to stick it out. I doubt it though.

The Stewardess (Todd)- Odds of winning: 3-1
He has been put forward as the schemer but I’m not buying it. His alliance has been the muscle in the game but he is flaky. I think he’s also been seen as a leader of that alliance which makes him vulnerable.

James- Odds of winning: even
He looks tough to beat with two immunity idols and his clear physical dominance so he could run the board but I think quicker than he knows the game will be James versus the rest. That makes it tougher. That makes him not the favorite.

Amanda- Odds of winning: 6-5
She is my favorite because she is strong, smart and flying under everybody’s radar. James is the body, The Stewardess is the brain but Amanda is both. I think she has been running things for awhile anyway. Look for her to upset this season.

There you have it. And Leslie? If you ruin one more of my holidays I’ll get mean about it.