Monday, November 26, 2007 Rant Archive
HITMAN is the latest stillborn result of a popular videogame series trying to make the perilous transition to lucrative film franchise. Like its predecessors, there are some things that HITMAN gets right—most often the pulse-quickening action sequences seamlessly transplanted from its videogame origins. But again, like its predecessors, once the explosions and gunfire fall silent, there is little meat left on the bones of the film, resulting in a very mixed bag for the audience to sift through.
First launched by EIDOS Interactive in 2000, the ‘Hitman’ videogame series chronicled the covert exploits of flawless assassin ‘Agent 47.’ Raised by a secret sector of the Catholic Church, Agent 47 was bred to be the perfect killer, maintaining peace and stability in the world by ridding it of its most nefarious dictators. The game gained notoriety for its engaging premise, allowing players the freedom to dispatch targets by variable means—bloody, run-and-gun showdowns, or perhaps more guileful methods involving disguises, subterfuge, and strangulation with a piano wire.
HITMAN the film follows the game to an almost ludicrous degree. The photography tries to imitate the free-floating camerawork of the game, which is always a disaster.
Stephen King film adaptations are a dicey lot. King’s a prolific fella, with more than 50 novels under his belt and two or three times that number of short stories, and the law of averages says some of those won’t be worth the paper they’re on. Regardless, Hollywood loves to use his work, as he tends to write with a cinematic POV. Unfortunately, many of those adaptations REALLY suck. Many directors have foundered on his work; John Carpenter and Stanley Kubrick, for example, both produced crap based on King’s work, and those guys rock. There are, however, two directors who have managed high-profile success with King more than once: Rob Reiner and Frank Darabont. This brings me to Darabont’s take on King’s 1985 novella THE MIST.
A storm has just blown through a small Maine town, blowing down trees and knocking out power everywhere. David Drayton (Thomas Jane), a commercial artist, heads into town with his son Billy (Nathan Gamble) and snooty attorney neighbor Brent (Andre Braugher) to pick up supplies. While in the supermarket, a strange mist blows in from the nearby lake and shrouds the town in an eerily deep fog. But it’s not just any mist; there are creatures from another world out there, things that are carnivorous and hostile to the extreme.
Disney scored its second Thanksgiving weekend record, with its animated/live-action hybrid ENCHANTED charming its way to
$50 million opening, the second best turkey-holiday debut ever, behind TOY STORY 2’s $80.1 million bow in 1999.
The impressive debut both confirms that Patrick “McDreamy” Dempsey’s (GREY’S ANATOMY) star power extends beyond the small screen, and should catapult co-star and Oscar-nominated actress Amy Adams (JUNEBUG), into the limelight where she belongs. That girl has been quietly turning in impressive work for some time now (THE OFFICE, TALLADEGA NIGHTS), and I like to see deserving people get their due.
Coming in at No. 2 was unexpected success story THIS CHRISTMAS, which took in an unimaginable $27.1 million, continuing to prove that the market for African-American cast family films is thriving quite nicely. No. 3 spot went to
BEOWULF, which scared up a nice $23.3 million in its second week. Videogame-gone-action-flick HITMAN debuted the No. 4 spot, with an impressive $21 million opening—$20.9 million of that revenue most likely from young boys.
BEE MOVIE rounded out the top 5 with $16 million, boosting it past the century mark to a cumulative domestic gross of $112.1 million.
You know, I had high hopes for this film. I actually said out loud, “How bad can it be?” Terrible. It wasn’t that the storyline sucked or the acting was bad. It was just entirely too long. Ever watch a movie where you start to self edit it about halfway though thinking to yourself, “Uh, this scene is entirely unnecessary.” This two hour flick could easily have been cut down to about an hour. I hate to admit that because I sort of thought I would enjoy Thomas Jane on the silver screen for that long, but about an hour into it I kept praying the movie would hurry up and end so I could use the bathroom.
Artist David Drayton’s (Thomas Jane) upper east coast house is ravaged during a storm. The morning after he takes his son, Billy (Nathan Gamble) and his crappy, know-it-all neighbor, Brent Norton (Andre Braugher) into town to pick up supplies to fix the mess the storm made. Once they get to the town grocery store a giant mist covers the city. A useless member of the community runs into the store screaming that the MIST has sucked up another stupid town member. AHHH, REAL MONSTERS! At first no one believes that there’re things creeping in the mist, but the bag boy gets sucked into the stupid mist by a giant tentacled monster and people have to start using their noggins.
As a quick update on our breaking story about the upcoming live-action
G.I. JOE movie a few months back, we wanted to let you know that actress Sienna Miller (FACTORY GIRL) has just been announced to be playing the role of sexy C.O.B.R.A. femme fatale the
Baroness, who will be the JOE’s central nemesis alongside the evil Destro.
Also leaking from the rumor mill is the news that the G.I. JOE force will be updated into an international anti-terrorist group, based out of Europe. This is being done to broaden the film’s appeal to the international market, where the notion of a U.S. military unit, operating unilaterally across the globe, isn’t too popular right now.
Is Sienna Miller the people’s choice for the Baroness, or is she just another casting disaster? Rant back and let us know—‘because knowing is half the battle.’ In the meantime we’ll be keeping you up to date, with any updates. Yo Joe!
A week before the much touted tornado episode, tonight's DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES was anything but the calm before the storm.
Gabrielle was visited by the authorities who questioned her on the whereabouts of Victor. Ever the good actress, Gaby pretended to have no idea that Victor had gone missing or where he could be. Carlos was feeling guilty and eager to talk, so it's a good thing Gabrielle drugged him before the feds saw him. Having your ex-husband in the house while the police question you about your missing husband just screams innocent, doesn't it?
THE SIMPSONS, “Funeral for a Fiend”: Tonight marks a watershed moment in the Simpson household, a moment from which there is no going back: The Simpsons discover TiVo. Yes, thanks to Homer not paying attention on a trip to the electronics store, he finds himself the latest proud owner of life-changing technology. However, it’s Marge who finds her life changed to the greatest degree, falling asleep in front of the tube and getting hectored by Keith Olbermann for not watching commercials.
Scared straight by the devilish Olbermann, the Simpsons are persuaded to go to a rib house for dinner by a commercial seemingly designed for them. Unfortunately, once they arrive, the trap closes; the commercial actually was designed for them, all part of an ingenious snare set by Sideshow Bob (Kelsey Grammer) to destroy everyone’s favorite fellow-hued family. Of course, since this is the tenth time or so he’s tried to kill the Simpsons, place your bets on whether it will work or not, although it’s probably the first time one of his plans was countered by an exploding laptop combined with Lisa’s superior knowledge of Shakespeare.
Hey gang! Check out these sweet new pics from
BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT that came our way courtesy of
comicboomovie.com. My personal favorite is the one of the Joker (Heath Ledger) kicking Batman (Christian Bale) in the crotch while a clown henchman restrains him. The shot of the two Batmen, one aiming a rifle at an unseen target, also raises some questions.
Unfortunately answers won’t be coming until June 18, 2008, when THE DARK KNIGHT hits theaters. Until then, take a gander at the latest pics and rant back to us about what you think.
Charlie Brown and Snoopy were my favorite cartoon characters growing up, and they still hold a special place in my heart. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING, but I’ll never forget it.
"Charlie Brown, oh, Charlie Brown," Lucy tempts. She tells good ol’ Chuck that she'll hold the football, and he can kick it. Will Charlie really fall for this again? Of course not! But Lucy swears she’ll hold the ball because of the Thanksgiving tradition. Charlie gives in, gets a running start, pulls back his foot to kick, and falls flat on his back for the umpteenth time. Lucy says, "Isn't it peculiar, Charlie Brown, how some traditions just slowly fade away."
Classic PEANUTS. It never gets old.