By Sabrina Cognata
Surprise, I am filling in this week because I am awesome and stuff and don’t you forget it. Not surprising, I think this show is stupid as hell. Here is a show starring Zoë Deschanel’s less talented sister, that guy that played a vampire in BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER and a ton of people I have never even seen before with an exception of Ryan O’Neil and his career is in shambles anyways.
BONES is about a frigid anthropologist or something, Dr. Temperence Brennan (Emily Deschanel), whom is boring and lame and needs to get laid and a swift kick in the pants to loosen up her buttons or something. She works with a bunch of nerds that are entirely too unattractive to be on television and I feel like I need to call up the FOX network to bitch about the fact that they’ve broken the cardinal rule of television because they failed to give me totally gorgeous actors trying to be ugly. Stupid. She also works with FBI Special Agent Seeley Boothe (David Boreanaz) and he is suppose to be hot, but his prime time has come and gone and he looks bloated and drunk and I am already bored to death.
This week someone finds the bloated rotting carcass of a man that goes by the name Chris Kringle. In case you don’t understand what I am getting at let me clarify it for you: THIS IS A MAN THAT LIVES HIS EVERYDAY LIFE LIKE HE IS THE REAL SANTA CLAUS INCLUDING LIVING ABOVE A TOY STORE AND WORKS AS A SANTA FOR HIRE AND IN HIS CLOSET HE ONLY HAS SANTA SUITS OR CHRISTMAS THEMED SWEATERS. Anyways, he is dead and the forensic dudes determine that he has some weird Chinese powder on the ass of his Santa suit so Booth end Brennan begin to narrow down where this dude may have been murdered. Eventually they realize that Dom DeLuise’s son is the other Santa that killed our awesome Santa because the REAL LIFE SANTA caught Dom DeLuise’s son mugging people and stuff while in his Santa garb.
The stupid character driven sub-plots are that Brennan decides to do something nice for her dad (Ryan O’Neil) and brother whom happen to be incarcerated for murder. To do this she has to make a deal with some prosecutor that doesn’t merit having her name mentioned. In order to get her family Christmas Brennan has to kiss Boothe under some mistletoe for like five seconds. So she does and it is a super boring kiss and I wish I could get the sixty minutes of my life back that I wasted watching this show. After she kisses Boothe, she gets her lame family Christmas and she even forgoes her trip to stupid Peru to spend it with them, only they cannot have a Christmas tree in the sex trailer converted into a Christmas trailer cause the tree and it’s ornaments are great make-shift prison shanks. Boothe wants to spend Christmas with his son, but his ex and her boyfriend are taking the brat to Vermont to ski.
Too bad that kid is a monster and he wanderers off and tells some cops his daddy is in the FBI and he’s lost so he gets to spend Christmas with his father. Boothe is elated over this and decides to give Brennan the only Christmas present she doesn’t have and he stages a Christmas tree outside the window of the sex trailer for her stupid family to enjoy. I hate this show. I am Scrooge McDuck — hate me for my wild ways and my ability to swim through the coins in my at home vault. God, that entire sentence was more entertaining and awesome than the entire episode of BONES. Sue me.