By Sabrina Cognata

Everyone is super excited this week because there’s a special guest judge that’s described as a fashion maven so I m secretly DYING because I know it has to be someone BIGGER than Michael Kors, right?  WRONG.  This week’s special guest judge is horse faced killer aka. Sarah Jessica Parker.  I am thoroughly disappointed and now I need a drink.  SJP says she’s looking for a design for her clothing line BITTEN.  It must be fashion forward, fun, and have the ability to work on different types of people.  Tim Gunn provides the actual challenge.  It must also cost less than FIFTEEN DOLLARS and be a two-piece ensemble.  After looking at their sketches, SJP picks the seven she believes mesh best with her own vision and then people have to start pairing up.  The last person to pick is Elisa the psycho that sews dresses onto her own person and she’s stuck with Sweet P who looks like someone just asked her to drink Jim Jones’s kool-aid. 

Interestingly enough, the Elisa/Sweet P pairing works out nicely as Sweet P has something called common sense and can wrangle in the far out ideas of stupid Elisa who I have decided is an idiot savant.  The team’s visions go like this:

Elisa/Sweet P – cute turquoise fashion forward dress that is “polymorphic”.  It comes with a really sweet grey cape.  The dress is actually fantastic because it would look good on anyone.  Young.  Old.  Fat.  Anorexic.  I would buy this stupid dress.
Rami/Jullian – They present SJP with some tiresome, boring army greenish man-type shirt that is pulled in with a belt and paired with a pair of leggings.  This is something I came up with when I was playing dress up at 7-years-old.
Christian/Carmen – Christian takes a good idea and then decides he wants to make his model look like she has to visit the people from Total Recall.  The jacket is terrible and the outfit makes me want to get an 8-ball and visit Robert Downey Jr. in 1986.
Marion/Steve – They present the judges with a rain poncho that is so big it could fit Ricki Lake back in 1989.  They try to wrangle it in with a giant belt, but that makes it look so entirely ridiculous that I want to slap them both for thinking they could pull this off at all.  Sorry guys, but your Wal-Mart inspired outfit is disgusting and I hope they send you both home for being stupid.


Victorya/Kevin – They make a what might be a cute grey dress that sort of looks like it will make almost anyone with look like they’re trying to hide the baby they need to abort and they paired it with a cute little racer back vest with a red plaid design.
Kit/Chris – These idiots come up with a really tight fitting sweater and I keep wondering what fat suburban soccer mom would wear this out.  The best part of it was the creepy beret and that’s because I own my own. 
Ricky/Jack – I actually loved this dress.  It was magenta and paired with the hottest pair of black boots that side of the Mississippi.  Ricky totally rectified himself from the monstrosity that was last week’s boring lingerie dress.  I guess credit for this outfit should be handed to gayface Jack.
Now it’s time to judge.  Christian keeps saying things like the judges are going to pick his outer space design unless they want to go with something boring—I guess by boring he means something the people of Earth would want to wear.  The designs walk the runway and poor Marion’s stupid hobo-chic poncho starts to grow on his model while she walks and I want to scream at the television RUN HOME BEFORE NINA YELLS AT YOU.  Surprisingly, the other space cadet, Elisa, has one of the best outfits and I want her to win because I bet she’s be the most interesting to watch do drugs and try to speak English.  The designers go backstage and the judges talk.  SJP does not like all the badmouthing Nina and Michael are doing.  SJP looks scared and it is hilarious.  Michael gets all outwardly bitchy and I keep waiting for him to scream SNAP. 


They bring the designers back out.  The Ricky/Jack, Kit/Chris, and Rami/Julian teams are told they’re safe and can go backstage.  That leave the best and the worst teams on stage.  Christian beams, that is until the judges are like WHO WOULD WEAR YOUR ROCKETEER OUTFIT?  Then Carmen starts crying and says it was Christian’s design and he should go home and not her.  Christian just looks like the members from Flock of Seagulls came by and beat his stupid haircut off of him.  The judges then ask Marion what the hell happened to his outfit and he isn’t even sure.  Sorry Marion, looks like your trash bag style isn’t going to win any awards.  Heidi asks Elisa what planet she’s from because they hear that she marks her outfits with SPIT, but they like her creepy design and say that it would work on anyone.  In the end SJP gets to make the decision and she likes Victorya’s design bestest.  Too bad cause I think it is sort of terrible.  Elisa and Christian are safe, but poor Marion gets the auf wiedersehen from Heidi and I want to be like I GUESS YOU SHOULD TRY NOT TO DESIGN OUTFITS FOR THE STUPID HOMELESS IF YOU WANT TO STAY ON PROJECT RUNWAY, you fool.