Friday, November 30, 2007 Rant Archive
Blow the roof off the Nakatomi
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la
Hans tells Karl to “Shoot the glass!”
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la
John McCla-ane saves the da-ay
Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la
We’re gonna need some more FBI guys
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la
I’m not a holiday crank. I don’t bark at good will and snow that’s picture perfect. I’d even argue that MIRACLE ON 34th STREET is the best Christmas movie ever. But when the assignment came down to pick a holiday classic, I felt duty-bound to represent the original DIE HARD. It has been a few years since my last uninterrupted viewing and I was shocked that the movie was close to twenty years old and it still holds up so well. It is a fantastic action movie and yes, I consider it a holiday classic. As Hans Gruber says to his hacker/tech geek, “It’s Christmas, Theo, the time of year for miracles!”
Seems that just a day or two ago we were reporting on a great new picture of Heath Ledger as the Joker, which was shot for the cover of
EMPIRE MAGAZINE. In fact, that was just a day or two ago. What can we say? The laughs just seem to keep on coming.
Not to be outdone by EMPIRE, WIZARD MAGAZINE, the official go-to guide for comic geeks everywhere, has released its own cover shot of Ledger’s Joker, which was snapped during a visit the magazine made to the set of
BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT. Unlike the EMPIRE cover, the WIZARD shot seems to be taken directly from the film, and it shows Ledger looking as demented and frightening as the rumor mill (and even the actor
himself) have been hyping.
I bring good news for some of you, but sadly bad news for many.
On the Thursday before Thanksgiving, 6.5 million of you gave 30 ROCK its best ratings since the season premiere. My plan to make the show the highest-rated comedy is now well under way. And I owe it all to you. I’d go on singing your praises, but I’m overcome with emotion. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now the bad news: many have not listened to me. I can’t do this by myself any more; I am forced to report you. On Thursday Dec. 6, I’ll be attending a special event honoring the stars of 30 ROCK in New York City. It’s sponsored by the Television Academy and the cast will be there. I’m going to use that opportunity to turn over your names. It’s time they knew who wasn’t watching.
And don’t think for a minute I’m going to give the info to Tina Fey. She’s too nice. She’ll just say, “Oh, they’re entitled to watch what ever they want.” Blah, blah, blah.
In response to fervent pleas from fans worldwide, the official
website for HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY recently released artwork that will soon be displayed on theater promotional posters across the
country.
The first release was a picture of Selma Blair as pyrokinetic hottie Liz Sherman, the second, a shot of Doug Jones as merman Abe Sapien, and the third, a shot of “big red” himself. While Academy Award-nominated director Guillermo Del Toro is known for his impeccable makeup and special effects (especially for mythical or supernatural characters,) these latest shots prove the famed Mexican auteur is only getting better with time. You can almost feel the scales on Abe’s skin.
In enjoyed the original HELLBOY, so this sequel, with its impeccable cast and visionary director, should be pretty cool. Take a gander at the pics inside and rant back to let us know if HELLBOY II is lighting a fire under your bum-bum yet.
Silly Earl (Jason Lee), tricks are for kids. Seriously, this week Earl talks about how all the things he’s done to help the warden (Craig T. Nelson) has substantially diminished the time he has to serve behind bars. Now he’s left with about six-months and ten days left. Miraculously, the warden needs his help implementing some crazy new program that he accidentally brought up while being grilled by a really tough reporter about the massive failure of the programs he implements in the state prisons. The warden retorts saying he’s currently working on a program he likes to call the SUPER DOOPER, SUPER PROGRAM. Which becomes a program about reconciliation for the inmates.
The warden tells Earl if he can make the program look like a success he will take ANOTHER six-months off Earl’s sentence. If things workout the way Earl wants he’ll have only 10 days left in the clink. Earl accepts this mission and goes about trying to figure out which inmate’s situation would work best for this situation. After carefully reviewing the inmate’s personnel files Earl finds his candidate, John the Artist.
The names of two additional cast members from the upcoming JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA movie hit the Web today. The first
announcement was that 32-year-old Australian supermodel Megan Gale would be taking on the much-coveted role of
Wonder Woman. Though I’m not really familiar with her, Gale is a stunning, leggy beauty—every bit the Amazonian goddess she will be playing. So kudos to you, casting executives, the Outlaw approves of your choice.
The second
announcement was that 21-year-old actor Armie Hammer (VERONICA MARS, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES) would be donning the iconic cowl of Batman for the film. Don’t everybody groan at once. Hammer does have a slightly brooding look to him, but nothing on his résumé suggests that he will do any kind of justice to the role. No pressure Armie.
When last we left the Survivors, I was calling CBS head honcho Leslie Moonves a pinheaded nosepicker whose respect for his viewers can only be compared to the common mans respect for toilet paper for the way he LIED to us and said last week’s show was “All New” when it was just a highlight reel of the season so far.
Two weeks ago, the last time an actual “All New” show aired, Frosti had just been sent to the jury and the tribal council was told to hold there places. An under-the-weather Jeff Probst told them, “We have more business to attend to.”
Some movie geeks remember movie quotes. I remember movie deaths. Bloody, gory, unusual or just plain memorable—there have been a plethora of great deaths on screen dating all the way back to THE PASSION OF JOAN OF ARC in 1928.
What better way to get your mind off your crazy family and the holiday headaches then thinking about how people meet their demise! I’m a gruesome kind of person, I know. But you’ve got to admit to yourself there are times when you’ve seen a character bite the big one, and you couldn’t help but think, “Wow, that’s the way to go.”
Please remember that a great death in a movie doesn’t necessarily make for a great movie. In fact, some of the best deaths are usually seen in some of the worst movies. This list, though, is a pretty eclectic collection.
Oh, and just in case you didn’t figure it out already, there are many spoilers ahead. You’ve been warned.