By Curt Schleier

I’m old enough to remember when Christmas movies were sweet.  Every December, they’d gather us all in the school auditorium to view MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET on a projector set up by the AV squad.  By the way, I mean the 1947 original starring Maureen O’Hara, John Payne and a very young Natalie Wood.

We’ve come a long way since then when it comes to Holiday fare.  But DECK THE HALLS goes too far – even for a Grinch like me.

Steve Finch is the to popular town optometrist in Cloverdale, Mass.  Beloved by all, he is the town’s Mr. Christmas.  He’s in charge of the annual Winterfest, the one who gathers singers to go caroling and is consulted on town Christmas tree decorations.  Each year his family gets dressed in the matching sweaters for the Christmas card photo.  Everything is done at the same time every year, as noted on his Special Holiday Calendar.

Sure Finch acts like he has a stick up his, uh, behind, but it’s hard to blame him.  When his wife Kelly (Kristin Davis) suggests that the Holidays might be more fun if they were a bit less programmed, he explains:

“My dad dragged me from one Air Force base to another. We didn’t even have a tree.  I want my children to have traditions they can look forward to.” By children he means a daughter who is a loner ands a 10-year-old boy going through a mid-life crisis.


Finch’s neat and orderly world gets turned upside down when Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito) moves in across the street – in the middle of the night.  Hall is a loser, a self-described great salesman who can’t seem to hold a job.  As a result, his family moves frequently, though his lovely wife Tia (Kristin Chenoweth) and dim-witted twin daughters, Emily (Sabrina Aldridge) and Ashley (Kelly Aldridge) don’t seem to mind.

The problems start when one of the twins discovers you can get a satellite view of your neighborhood from the computer.  Unfortunately, the Halls’ home can’t be seen.  “I’m invisible,” Buddy says, and sets out to deck the Halls’ home with enough lights that it can be seen from outer space.

But Buddy is something of an a-hole.  He starts noisily putting up lights in the middle of the night, unmindful of their affect on the Finch home.  And when his first set of lights still leaves him invisible from outer space, he adds, more and more and more.  Buddy always thought he would do something “monumental” and he thinks lighting up the heavens is it.

The decked-out Hall house becomes a tourist attraction, further inconveniencing Finch.  Finch, of course, seeks retribution, including shorting out the Halls’ electricity.  The battle between the two escalates, ultimately forcing the women and children to leave them.  Only then do the men actually get the Christmas spirit.

Considering it’s a comedy, the film is very un-funny.  To give you an idea, not even the bloopers special feature will give you a laugh.  The jokes are lame, stupid or in terrible taste.  At one point, Buddy and Steve admire the rear ends of three Winterfest dancers in short Santa outfits only to discover when they turn around that the girls are their daughters.  They rush to church to wash their eyes out with Holy Water.  I’m sorry I didn’t think of that.


Much worse than bad jokes, the tone of the picture is mean spirited.  I know even Holiday movies need to have bad guys, but they do really have to be bad and tasteless?

Here’s your first Christmas gift: skip this film.  See, I’ve just given you an extra 90 minutes of your life.  Put that under your tree.