By Faith McQuinn

Parents do not take your children to see THE GOLDEN COMPASS. It has nothing to do with the apparent sacrilegious content (all the religious tones have been stripped away by the way). It has everything to do with THE GOLDEN COMPASS possibly being the most boring movie I’ve seen all year. If I were an 11-year old kid, I’m sure it would be more delightful to spend the day at the dentist’s office. Honestly, the only thing this movie has going for it is pretty pictures and good casting.

I say it has good casting solely based on my reading Philip Pullman’s books. The movie versions of these people are but a fraction of the in-depth people on the page. Nicole Kidman has the most standout performance as Ms. Coulter. She’s flawlessly beautiful yet crazy and ruthless. Watching her interact with Lyra (Dakota Blue Richards) made me feel a bit icky all over, and that’s exactly how it should be.

Daniel Craig only gets about ten minutes of screen time, which is a shame, but he did have a rather decent ten minutes.

Dakota Blue Richards is a bit too spunky and too expressive when she’s acting with the CGI characters. But seeing as how this is her first acting role, I’ll cut her some slack.

Sam Elliot, what can I say? He’s playing a cowboy type who flies hot air balloons. It was either him or Tommy Lee Jones, and I think he fits the fantasy storyline better. Even though his character is flat and generic, he pulls it off better than most.


The most disappointing role came from Eva Green’s Serafina Pekkala. When I read the book, Serafina always seemed like a very strong, fascinating magical person. The film has reduced her to a flying woman with a cool voice effect.

Besides the pretty people, there are very pretty images. Granted, most of them are computer-generated, but I was still visually entertained even if I was bored out of my mind in the process. The cityscapes as well as the ice-covered mountains and vast plains are beautiful and just surreal enough to titillate without looking like a backdrop in a George Lucas film. The interior shots (which I assume are physical sets) are equally eye-catching. Nothing is lavish, but everything is beautiful.

I wish the same could be said about the story. Writer/director Chris Weitz should really stick to movies that involve private parts in apple pies and stay far, far away from the epic fantasy tales. The first thing I learned in my screenwriting class was to show, not tell. Obviously Weitz missed that day of school. His script is slow and dry and far too telling. In the first five minutes, everything the audience needs to know is revealed through monologue. Instead of learning about Dust and the Magisterium and the Goblers through--I don’t know--exciting scenes, we’re spoon-fed the information through rigid dialogue and very little action.


And let me spend a minute talking about the ending. For anyone who is a fan of Philip Pullman’s books, you will be personally offended by the upbeat, Disney-esque ending.  For those who have never read the book, you’ll simply be disappointed and possibly confused as you hear half the theatre yell “bullshit” at the screen.

Maybe Chris Weitz should’ve been less concerned about keeping out the religious allegory and worried more about keeping an interesting story intact.

Skip THE GOLDEN COMPASS in theatres. Stop by your local bookstore and read the book instead. For those who get hives from the written word, check out the audio books—a far more satisfying way to spend your time.