By Curt Schleier
I know people who no longer go to the cinema. These are people who used to go at least once a week and sometimes more often. They considered movies an art form and went to see everything from the most obscure foreign film to SPIDERMAN.
But that’s not true any longer. Now if there’s a film they want to see, they wait for it to come out on DVD and rent it. They sacrifice the experience of seeing it on a big screen because they don’t want to go through the hassle of what goes on in theaters today.
Going for a night out at the movies today is increasingly expensive. In major urban areas, the price of admission is about 12 bucks. But it’s not the high cost of tickets that ticks them off. No, they’re upset about what happens after they plunk their rear ends on the seat. It used to be going to a movie was a pleasant experience, a night out on the town; now it’s a night filled with annoyance. We movie goers are entitled to enjoy the evening and not be assaulted. So I hereby proclaim a MOVIE GOERS BILL OF RIGHTS.
Movie goers unite! We’re fed up and we’re not going to take it any longer. We have a choice now, and that choice is called DVD. So here’s what we demand:
Enough with the commercials. I didn’t come here and pay money to watch ads. We promise not to buy any product or use any service that puts a commercial on the screen.
Stop serving food. You’re not a restaurant, you’re a theater. I prefer to watch movies without the scent of chicken wings wafting through the auditorium. Besides which, people spill stuff, leave greasy stains all over hand rests and seats and almost never clean up. You’re already charging 5 bucks for a bucket of popcorn as it is. Have you no shame?
If you can’t walk into the theater you can’t go to the movies. I go a lot in the late afternoon and once a month there is an infant in the theater. Crying. Once this young couple came in and sat down next to me, opened a jar of baby food and fed the baby next to me. You have no idea what fun it is watching, say, ROCKY III with the odor of carrots wafting in the air. If you can’t afford a babysitter, stay home. If you want to go to the movies and can’t afford a babysitter, don’t have children.
The movie starts, stop selling tickets. You’ve posted movie times in the local paper and by the box office. If people can’t tell time, it’s not my problem. How many times has this happened to you: coming attractions are done, the commercials are over, and then the door opens? Some old biddy yells: “It’s dark in here, Harry, hold my hand.” I’m coming Ceil, wait for me.” “Is that seat taken?” Then they grunt and groan to their seats, stand while they take off their coats and generally make a nuisance of themselves. And you’ve missed the first five minutes of the film.
Cell phone rules need to be enforced. If a person has a cell phone on, they need to be thrown out of the theater. It’s not just that people answer their phones during a movie; it’s that they receive and respond to text messages. And every time they do the little light on their phone goes on drawing your eye away from the screen. Unless you are somehow part of the highest levels of government, the messages can probably wait the hour and a half until the film is finished.
Stop talking. This seems the most obvious yet most ignored rule. You are not in your living room. If Harry needs to have every word of dialogue repeated to him, get him a hearing aid.
This may sound a little harsh, but all the problems I’ve described are indicative of a greater ailment in society. Nobody gives a crap about anyone else. Most people feel a sense of entitlement; they can do anything they want and if it creates discomfort for you, it’s not their problem. But we can stop this now!! Sign up in support of the Movie Goers Bill of Rights!!