By Brandon Nolta

THE SIMPSONS, “Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind”: Homer wakes up in a snow bank, hung-over and thinking there’s still time to pull one over on Marge. When he gets home, however, the house is empty and there’s no sign of his family. Heading to Moe’s for some answers, he finds that there was a domestic disturbance at his house and that Marge ended up with a black eye. Whatever happened was enough to drive Homer to take one of Moe’s forget-me shots, which is why he can’t remember crap.

In despair, Homer hits up his dad for advice, and Grandpa Simpson directs him to a guy with a memory machine, who allows Homer to explore the depths of his own mind. Bring a donut and a gun. Anyway, Homer finds that the Duff Man was sitting in his living room when he got home, and naturally, he assumed the worst. The news hits him hard, and he wanders out to Suicide Bridge to jump in the drink and end his pain. Reliving his life and last memory, Homer finds that he actually interrupted his surprise party for completing his community service, which is why he took the forget-me shot in the first place. Happy endings all around.

Nothing like a take-off on IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE filtered through ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND to give a guy warm fuzzy feelings for the holidays. It probably won’t be one of the classic episodes in years to come, but for the holidays, it’s good enough.

KING OF THE HILL, “Dream Weaver”: Dale is not holding up his end of the economic deal, as far as Nancy is concerned, and she’s tired of being broke. Since the exterminator business isn’t working out too good, Peggy convinces Hank to take Dale on a “vocation vacation.” Reluctantly, Hank agrees, but unfortunately, Hank lets Dale choose the vocation. Dale, whose obsession with baskets is part of the problem, finds basket weaving as a choice. Hank thinks about murder, but is as good as his word, and goes along.

Meanwhile, Bill is having his own obsession: hats. While trying on a cowboy hat, a gust of wind blows it off Bill’s head and deposits it squarely on Kahn’s head. Kahn, who had been demeaning Hank’s friends, suddenly decides the boys are his ticket to Internet fame, and tries to recreate the fortuitous accident. The wind fails to cooperate, so Peggy gets involved.

Meanwhile, Dale turns out to really suck at basket weaving, whereas Hank is a natural. Dale is too stupid to catch on at how bad he is, but when he overhears a conversation where the professional weavers, who have brought Hank onboard, deride Dale’s work in a way to make Hank laugh, the betrayal is too much. Dale snaps and takes out his anger on baskets, then Hank, using a forklift as his weapon. Fortunately, Hank fails to die.

Back at the ranch, Peggy creates a magnum opus of overtly fake hat flying, which everyone thinks is idiotic … until the hits start arriving. Hank, who doesn’t want to continue in the basket industry, comes up with a plan to restore Dale’s self-esteem, and manufactures a beetle emergency for Dale to address. Despite the use of fire, things work out OK, and Dale figures out a way to add a little income to his life. Not as satirical as recent episodes, it still manages to capture the good sense and loyalty Hank embodies in the life of his friends. Hank still rocks.

FAMILY GUY, “Believe It or Not Joe’s Walking on Air”: Rerun time! Tonight, Fox is reaching back to the beginning of the season for this sensitive look at the travails of the handicapped. No, really. Anyway, the women of Spooner Street have moved into the Drunken Clam, and the men are seriously weirded out. So, Peter does what any reasonable drunken moron would do: tear a chunk of his house and build a men’s club in his yard. Unfortunately, the women follow out there as well, irritating Peter no end. There’s another issue, though: Joe’s inability to walk, and thus dance with Bonnie, finally gets to him. Joe’s a man of action, so what does he do?

Well, he does what anybody in his situation would do, of course. He gets a leg transplant, and as would be expected in the cartoon universe, it works great. Joe’s a new man, and promptly goes out to do all the things he hadn’t been able to do for so long. You know, rock climbing, tae kwan do, dancing to “Good Morning” from SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN. All too soon, though, the boys are worn out, and Joe dumps them for more able-bodied pals.

Viewers can always count on FAMILY GUY to up the tasteless quotient on the back side of the evening. Lots of handicapped jokes, a few scatological digs, and a couple of Nazi digs here and there. Not much family in this one; just a whole lot of guy. If that works for you, saddle up and ride it home, pilgrim.

AMERICAN DAD, “The Most Adequate Christmas Ever”: It’s Christmas Eve, and Stan’s in full jackass mode. Despite the Smiths’ efforts at decorating the home and breaking out the holiday spirit, Stan is less than pleased, and forces the family to head into the woods to find the perfect tree. Roger doesn’t mind, because he’s drunker than hell, but the rest of the family is pissed off. Anyway, Stan heads off to find the perfect tree, despite the fact that even woodland creatures are frozen solid. After climbing a mountain and risking his life, Stan cuts down the perfect tree, which promptly falls on him.

Stan wakes up in an ice cream shop, whereupon the proprietor informs him he’s dead. Isn’t this a surprise. Ever notice how many Christmas films involve the characters dying? Because, after all, what says holidays more than corpses piling up all around? Ah well, moving on with the show.  After getting his ice cream, the proprietor tells Stan that he’s in Limbo, and that he’ll get his final assignment in a couple of weeks. Stan isn’t happy with this, and demands a second chance. Sadly, Stan’s lawyer is incompetent, so things don’t look so hot for our favorite CIA idiot.

So, there’s a trial, and to say the evidence that Stan is an arrogant, moronic turd of a human is overwhelming would be putting it lightly. To say that Stan loses would also be an understatement, but when his lawyer lets slip that Stan’s idiocy is about to kill his family (they’re freezing to death in the car, the only keys to which are in Stan’s pocket), Stan takes action. Did you know that bailiffs in Heaven carry guns that can kill anything? Me neither, but Stan rolls with it, and hostage-takes his way to meet the Big Guy.

Anyway, Stan bluffs his way into God’s office, and ends up pulling the Heaven gun on God. This makes Stan the ballsiest cartoon character ever, which ought to be worth something. Anyway, God, being omnipotent, isn’t too worried, so Stan finally has to show a little humility, which is of course all the Creator of the Universe wanted. Thus chastened, Stan gets his wish, and is transported to the beginning of the evening, where he smartly revises his behavior and has a good Christmas after all. Awww. Despite, the schmaltz, I laughed the whole way through, though the devout might have a different perspective. Consider yourself warned.