By Buzz Byrne
16 castaways, 2 tribes, 39 days…ONE SURVIVOR! It all comes down to this.
The grand dame of reality shows has taken some lumps. Ratings have lagged, the game has become static and every new complication feels forced. This season has done nothing to turn this trend around. The final four left to compete tonight are not personalities that anyone will remember in two weeks and the location has been practically useless. Even the stupid bonfire where they traditionally burn down their camp was as intense as a lazy wet belch. This has been the least strenuous, least challenging season of SURVIVOR. Every other day someone was winning a feast. On day 37 Amanda says, “I’ve been in a funk because I haven’t eaten in a couple of days.” Couple of days?? The first seasons of this show, players were so starved by day ten that they would wake up in the morning and then pass out from exhaustion. Not great drama but at least we got to see some suffering.
But none of the pampering has dampened the bravado. Denise, our mulleted lunch lady from New Hampshire proudly proclaimed, “I can survive anything.” Sure, just not a rancid, fertilized duck egg that made you give up during two challenges.
The first challenge of tonight’s show was a reward challenge. They were playing for pizza and beer and the challenge was building a bridge, carrying puzzle blocks and then assembling the puzzle in a make-believe Great Wall. The set looked like it was designed by the geniuses that assemble Chuck E Cheese restaurants. Amanda won and then was told she could eat all the pizza herself or share it with one or two other players. She chose The Stewardess to eat with in the vein of “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”
A finale staple happened right before the immunity challenge. This was the trail of broken hearts where the remaining players “honor” the players who came before them in this game. Lots of somber, awkward posing in this, guaranteed. And lots of comments like, “I wish I got to know him better…” and “He sure was…crazy…what can you say?” I think that says it all.
The final immunity challenge is always a feat of endurance. Standing on a narrow log in the hot sun for hours or holding weights on a log in a swamp for hours in the hot sun. This season? Balancing plates and bowls on a handheld lever in the hot sun for what looked like almost an hour! Now if you think this segment lacked drama then you have forgotten about intrepid host Jeff Probst who was on hand to pump up the intensity. If there was ever a time for Probst to use the phrase, “If there was ever a time,” several times in a row, this was it. Wow did that make it intense!
And Amanda won. This gave her one last chance to take out the biggest threat to her, The Stewardess. But for some reason I don’t get, Amanda went with Courtney and The Stewardess and voted out Denise. I was expecting Denise to wail, “But I need that money to find my lost brother Sinjin!” But alas, she packed up the mullet and headed to the jury. Courtney made the most compelling argument against Denise, saying “She doesn’t deserve it because she, like, sucks at life…This isn’t welfare!” Courtney may not win SURVIVOR but she will get strong consideration for VP on the Republican Presidential ticket come fall.
Going into the final jury vote I felt Amanda had the game in hand. I put her as the odds on favorite weeks ago and she proved herself by winning the last two immunity challenges and dominating when she had to. But The Stewardess was sly. Courtney was even persuasive in arguing her own case. Amanda got called out for too much apologizing and looking at the jury with “doe eyes.” Bad move. You need some swagger and some respect and a little bit of honesty. Amanda was lacking all of that. She only got one vote. Courtney got two and I can’t believe it, but The Stewardess got four.
Todd Herzog wins SURVIVOR: CHINA, and a nation yawns.