By Sabrina Cognata

Dear Duke Collins, you come in to MacNamara and Troy with a wonderful Christmas story of hope and devotion.  And you say, last year, you were playing Santa to make extra Christmas cash and some diluted homicidal child with a vengeance for the Claus shot you in the face with a 9mm.  And this warms stupid Sean’s (Dylan Walsh) heart full of joy because Duke decides not to press charges against the mini Scrooge, but wants the terrible reminder scar removed from his face.  Seems like a simple request, but nothing at MacNamara & Troy is ever simple, is it?

While Sean is busy saving faces and being a doctor Christian (Julian McMahanon) and Julia (Joely Richardson) are screwing all over the place.  By all over the place, I mean in the house Sean and Christian share.  Sean shows up and is like, “Hey faux-gay lover Christian, how about we go Christmas tree shopping together?”  Christian makes up some excuse about how he needs to keep masturbating and cuddling himself to get rid of Sean because Julia is hiding in the stupid closet.  Basically all signs point to Sean figuring out that Christian and Julia are boning.  Probably because Christian and Julia talk the whole time they are together about telling Olivia (Portia de Rossi) and Sean about their love.  

This happens right in the middle of Julia, Christian and Sean’s secret Santa exchange when Christian’s gift to Julia includes mega expensive diamond earrings.  Score one for team Julia.  Sean sees this and is like OH MY GOD, THE TWO OF YOU ARE SEXING!!!  Then he throws a fit and Christian has to talk him into coming to Christmas dinner by saying he will discontinue his relationship with Julia if she’s going to come between Sean and Christian. 


Speaking of showing up for Christmas, monster of the year, Eden, decides to make Julia some very special fruitcake that makes her dizzy and light headed.  I am not even sure what she put in that cake, but the allusions to the Snow White’s wicked stepmother making and delivering that apple are so hilarious.  After Eden offers the moron some fruitcake, Julia decides to make nice and invite Eden to Christmas with the rest of the family.  YEA EDEN, COME TO CHRISTMAS SO THAT SEAN CAN BE THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE MAN IN THE HISTORY OF FAMILY GET TOGETHERS AND I CAN FLIRT WITH HIS BEST FRIEND SECRETLY WHILE MY GIRLFRIEND, YOUR MOTHER WATCHES.  God, someone give me a Christmas like that

Last week, Matt (John Hensley) catches on fire while cooking up some meth, mourning for Kimber and acting lame.  This week he gets to hear that Sean hates him for being a lying loser and Kimber plans to fight him for custody of their daughter and she will probably win.  Christian and Sean save Matt’s skin, literally and Matt decides he wants to spend the rest of his life sulking until some burn victim tells him he should be pretty excited about being alive and not a total pussy.  Thank god for people with melted off faces with a message to spread or nothing would ever get done.

Oh, and back to stupid Duke, it turns out he isn’t such a great guy at all.  His wife shows up after he has his operation and tells Sean that Duke is actually shot in the face because he made his SON do it, rather than commit suicide.  Duke is a brilliant and upstanding human being, obviously.  The wife flips out and takes a gun out of her purse and tries to kill Duke, but Sean saves the day by pushing the wife and causing her to shoot some stupid carolers and finally shut them up.  Amen.