By Buzz Byrne

Howdy, you can call me Buzz and I’ll be you writer for this quick look back through the best and worst of network reality TV for the year 2007. But first let me tell you a bit about myself. I am a part-time writer/actor, a full time father of two and devoted husband (sorry Ladies, this one is spoken for). My take on writing and reviewing is that who I am and what I experience while I review is just as important and valid as the traditional unbiased journalistic approach. Objectivity is an unattainable goal so I try to be honest about my own quirks and foibles as I attempt to deconstruct the loud nonsense from my beloved idiot box. Plus I am far more interesting than any of the reality TV contestants so you have that going for you when you read my work.

For this year I have covered AMERICAN IDOL, HELL’S KITCHEN, THE NEXT BEST THING, BIG BROTHER 8, SURVIVOR: CHINA, THE EX-WIVES CLUB and THE BIGGEST LOSER. The best reality TV is consistently on Bravo with TOP CHEF and PROJECT RUNWAY leading the pack. But those shows put a premium on creativity and following an impossible-to-understand drive that fuels and inspires the artist. Who needs that crap? Give me faux outrage and ridiculous conceits. Give me fame seeking, empty vessels with ripped abs that are willing to embarrass themselves and their family to do the most important thing a human could ever do- be on TV. With this as our measuring stick, how can one choose a best or worst? Aren’t they the same thing? You bet!

THE WORST:

Had the EX-WIVES CLUB lasted more than two episodes it may have taken this top honor although it was more of a make-over show than reality. HELL’S KITCHEN came close to being the worst simply because the winner of the show is too easily predicted and it’s not really about cooking but more about Chef Gordon Ramsay finding some poor lackey who will cook Pea Risotto exactly the way he wants it. No, the winner here is SURVIVOR: CHINA. The show has done the unforgivable- it has become stale. Every challenge is a silly obstacle course that looks the same. Every new season there is a new, more worthless-than-the-last, twist to the game: “A hidden immunity idol!” “Kidnapping!” “TWO hidden immunity idols!” “Wake up, viewer!...Wake up!” This season the villains weren’t mean enough, the heroes weren’t smart enough and the underdog turned out to be an inarticulate shyster who gives mullet wearers everywhere a bad name and that seems tough to do. This was the most well-fed, uninspired cast ever and the game seems simply tired. It may have inspired my single best review when I declared personal war on the state of New Hampshire but the show still needs to be overhauled. Make the prize ten million dollars, starve these people and make at least one challenge last over two days. Let’s see some blood in the water.

THE BEST:

I can’t believe I’m going to say this. I can only imagine the same thing that makes women forget how painful childbirth was so they will have more children is at work with me now. The best network reality show of 2007 was BIG BROTHER 8. At first I thought my impulses were driven by the Scandinavian fetish pornographer the show clearly hired to design sets and games but I think it ultimately came down to the talent on screen. Let’s take a quick look at my view of the cast after three episodes:

“this may be the lowest functioning, best groomed mass of human tissue BIG BROTHER has ever cast. This group is dumb. This group is slow. This group communicates clearest with their tee shirts that say things like, “I’m too pretty to work” and “Life is better blonde.” I believe the first quote is from Camus and the second is from Goethe, but it could be the other way around, like Jessica I get these two confused.”

I was so committed to shooting the fish in this barrel that I pulled over on my way home from vacation, outside of Buffalo, to review this show. There were thirty three episodes aired on CBS this summer and I watched and wrote about every stinking single one of them. My sister-in-law would give me updates on the SHOWTIME afterhours live feed and I would plead with her to get some sort of counseling. Unlike SURVIVOR, BIG BROTHER has acknowledged its own vapidness. Hell, it has taken an eight summer soak in it. Remember that Joe said Dustin gave him Gonorrhea? Remember when Amber didn’t know the definition of words like “definition?” Remember when Nick tried growing a mustache? Remember when Eval Dick thought he was the coolest thing ever for winning the uncoolest gameshow in the history of everything? Remember how Jen tried to break up my happy home? It was all great, stupid fun. And I bet I’ll be begging my bosses to write about it again.