By Brandon Nolta
There are lots of holiday films, good and bad, for the discerning viewer to enjoy beside a roaring fire with some eggnog this holiday season. A select few—DIE HARD, THE REF, SCROOGED, a passel of others—have been given the Critics Rant treatment, but I hadn’t seen any mention of one of my favorites, a perennial classic that I made sure to give my son this year for Christmas. I’m speaking, of course, of GREMLINS, the Steven Spielberg-produced classic of sick and twisted measure that remains the only proof that Chris Columbus was ever anything more than the Rick Astley of directors.
It’s Christmas in Kingston Falls, a little town that looks like Norman Rockwell and Frank Capra were in charge of planning. Rand Peltzer (Hoyt Axton), a local inventor of intermittent ability and thorn in the side of rich miserly crank Mrs. Deagle (Polly Holliday), is out shopping for the season. He wants the perfect gift for his son Billy (Zach Galligan), the only Peltzer holding down a real job, and he finds it in a Chinatown basement shop. But it’s not a toy; it’s a cute little fuzzy thing called a Mogwai that answers to Gizmo (voice by Howie Mandel) which looks like the mating of ET and a panda. Of course, with anything seemingly harmless and cute, there are a few rules to follow: 1) Keep it away from bright light, 2) Don’t ever get it wet, and 3) Never, ever feed it after midnight.
Since there are rules that must be followed, inevitably, the Peltzers fail to do so, and soon there’s a bunch of Mogwai. Unfortunately, the new ones aren’t of the same sweet temperament as Gizmo, and soon enough, Billy and his best friend/girlfriend Kate (Phoebe Cates), as well as their hometown of Kingston Falls, are battling a horde of malevolent little monsters. Christmas goes to hell in a hurry when the gremlins are in town, and nobody, from the evil Mrs. Deagle to hapless plow driver and town drunk Mr. Futterman (Dick Miller), is safe.
It’s no wonder this movie caused such a hue and cry when it came out in the summer of 1984. Columbus’ script displays a real streak of hard-edged mischief, best displayed in the gremlins’ violent pranks and a monologue that Kate delivers in explaining why she doesn’t like Christmas. Having Spielberg’s name on the movie is a marketing bait-and-switch; to get a grip on the film, look no further than seeing Joe Dante listed as director. Dante, the man behind the mostly great werewolf satire THE HOWLING and the zombie political broadsides of the “Homecoming” episode of MASTERS OF HORROR, has a razorblade smile sense of humor, and he takes Columbus’ script and runs with it.
A lot of people thought Dante ran a little too far; GREMLINS was one of the reasons behind the formation of the PG-13 rating, as some of the violence (involving blenders and stair lifts, among other things) was too hardcore for PG. There’s no denying this is a dark film, and though it is quite funny, many of the characters meet fates that aren’t. In fact, Dante kept things from going too far: the original script was darker yet, with a higher body count than what made it to theaters. Even now, GREMLINS might be a little strong for the very young. Still, for those of you who are tired of excessive Yuletide cheer and like your Christmas season salted with blood and black humor, GREMLINS is a pretty good Noel treat. Merry Christmas, and remember, kids, no snacks after midnight.